Hi!  Long time no talk.  If you've been reading my twitter you'd know that I've been very stressed and haven't been able to get the pleasure of writing about nonsense in my blog to entertain myself.  My computer also has contracted a virus and I'm unable to use my awesome meitu program to do that cool effect I like on my pictures.  :(  Grr...  I know, that's like my main concern, wtf.

I'm sure you guys miss my drama,

Hahaha, I had to!  It was cover material :P

I haven't had time to finish the last story so you'll have to wait.

However, here are pictures from the recent Friday.

Back in and out within 3 hours, which was all the amount of time I could spare!

Why does my left hand look so big in this picture?!

Me modeling an "incredible hulk" t-shirt.

It's like a totem pole!  lol

As for now...

This isn't how I look when I'm lovesick.

It's how I actually look when I really want a burger.

*drool*

Err, it looks like my head is a burger.

I don't know why I love food so much.  It's almost like the antidote for my pain.  The fact that you have food means you can survive, thus whatever pain you're facing it's sort of telling you:  You'll live.

Sadly, I don't feel that rush in my heart enough to fathom that kinda response in myself when it comes to guys.  Perhaps it's because I'm such a masculine type of girl... Okay, that didn't sound good.  But underneath the long hair and timid frame lies a mean girl that just can't be easily charmed... Though that's not to say it's impossible.  It got thinking about how hard it is for other masculine girls to fall for guys... So here I've composed a list of things one must do to get a masculine girl... sounds so attractive huh? 

How to get a tomboy:

The trick is to convince them that they're a girl.

1.  NEVER GET MAD, it shows that they're more important than what angers you.  Say I do something to frustrate a guy... Perhaps I scratched his car or I don't know, broke his table (wtf)?  When I apologize and ask if he's mad, I'm already expecting him to yell at me... But when he only responds with a deep breath, a reassuring look and words like:  "That's okay, I can never be mad at you.  Don't worry about it", I can't help but *MELT*  I tend to be really mean towards guys... So when they overlook it and still find such patience with me, I can't help but feel touched.



2.  Open doors!!  Yes, nothing like being traditional to remind them of their femininity!  The best thing about this to me is they assume you don't expect them to care about these things because they act so boyish, yet when you still do it just cause, they feel touched.


3.  No, letting her "win" at arcade games or pool does not work...  Don't ever tell them you "let" them win.  If you can't admit defeat than she can't give you respect!  But if she doesn't think you're much of a challenge, that's pretty bad for you too... She'll think she's the man amongst you two.


4.  Tom boys love to eat.  They love to hear, "Just get whatever you like."  Personally, I wouldn't order the most expensive thing on the menu, it's just the thought that's sweet.


5.  Never partake in actually trying to play wrestle with them no matter how much they're punching you.  I know you think it's a good way to flirt, but when it comes to tomboys, they will take your act as a challenge and attempt to take you down for real.  Only exception is if you have already charmed them enough to remind them they're a girl again so they may play wrestle back.  Otherwise, not a good idea.  It's a lose-lose situation.  If you fight back, you're not a man, if you surrender you're not a man.



6.  When going through a crowd, PROTECT her, make sure guys don't bump into her.  Help her avoid it at ALL costs.  Because if someone pushes into her she's going turn into a man and push them.  That's only going to make her act more manly around you and make your trying to charm her, useless!



7.  Stare at her.  The first times you'll do it, she'll probably reply with:

"What?!  WTF are you looking at?  You wanna die?!"
Just smile sweetly, shake your head and then look deep in thought.
After a few occasions of you doing that, she'll feel shy.  Voila, you made her feel like a girl.


8.  Tomboys hardly cry.  If you made her cry, you're an official asshole.  Never make her cry.  If you see her tearing, you better do something QUICK to fix it hahaha

9.  Tomboys are super playful... Therefore lift them up to remind them how small and NOT a man they are.  Just make sure to carry them in a way that encourages the idea that she's a girl or once again, you just initiated a challenge to fight.

10.  Last thing?  DON'T GET TOUCHY TOUCHY with her if she hasn't shown any response to you!!  No trying to "see if she's ticklish" just to touch her, yes... We know that trick.  Tomboys feel uncomfortable with being touched.



Okay, now I need to just to rant about something specific...
The following gets quite lengthy so just a heads up!

My Apology

I apologize to those of you who've experienced my short-temper, lack of attention span, restlessness and mood swings for the past while...  I know I'm not the type to confide and complain so it may seem as if I just don't care or that I have an attitude and not that I'm stressed or struggling.  So many things, even a mere conversation can strike up so much anxiety within me.  I am acting irrational, awkward and loud because I am emotionally fragile yet its during this time that situations seem to demand the utmost in emotions out of me.

I'm a strange girl.  I'll admit. 

I spent my adolescent years trying to catch up to everyone... And now, I just want to separate.  I don't want anyone beside me because I can't bear to feel as though I own an explanation to anyone.  

The mind is a powerful thing.  It had proven itself to me once before and it's proving itself to me once again upon realizing that there is nothing worse, nothing my body could do to me that was worse than what I felt with reality.  It is what I need to make all those symptoms seem almost non-existent... Well, perhaps not non-existent but not important.  I may slow, I may struggle, I may crash... But this fear sits at the back of my head that surpasses all that.

The climb up may be hard, but what lays at the bottom is even harsher. 

I'm living life the way I want to now, not what is asked of me by my health or by anyone else.

Saturday Night's Reunion

Candy:  "I partied so hard, my earring fell off and I can't find it."

Tina:  "I lost my makeup."

Priscilla:  "My camera battery is gone.  It fell out of my camera"

I love how it is absolutely necessary that at least one person 

is doing peace signs throughout the pictures :P

We partied til 5am, it was a fun night.  Those guys are still the same, which isn't a bad thing.  They're still fun and very sweet.  For the first time, despite drinking a shot AND a half (a lot for me who doesn't drink often, okay!)... I was not the one who was smashed.  I know my girls are proud of me hehehe.

I actually felt really down that night though.  :(  I still feel down for that matter.  But that's a whole other thing...

Though I do have to ask you guys something.

If someone doesn't like you because of something you did or your personality...  Should you continue attempting to apologize to them when they are fine, without hatred and just carrying on without you in their life?  Or do you have to feel like you're being the bigger person by constantly reaching out to them to wish them happy birthday, sending them random emails or texting them to say "nice seeing you" when you guys don't even talk in person?  I mean at what point, can you say it's enough?  I know some people will say, "Well, it takes a lot of pride to do that so as long as the person is willing to demean themselves to constantly to do that, it's their call."  I, on the other hand, think that their pride from feeling like the bigger person is what makes them do it and not their consideration for what the other person is showing that they want.  Does being the bigger person always have to mean swallowing your pride to keep reaching out to someone or can it be something quieter, like just respecting someone from a distant?

Believe it or not,

not everything is about relationships.

This isn't suppose to represent a couple fighting, but rather my attempt 

to throw up peace signs even when getting bitched at.

... Because there's more to life than just seeing the negative.

This is coming from someone who hasn't experienced much in life due to her health and the hassles it imposed upon her life.  If you see me smiling, laughing and indulging in life, know it's with reason.

What do I want?

I want to have FUN when I'm having fun, does anyone know how to do that?  Cause honestly, it's so much more fun when you party with those are carefree and have fun without losing their self worth!   I can't be bothered with guys who try to get me to sit at a nice dinner table and chat.  I rather be sitting on the floor, munching on take out and playing video games.

I feel like people force too many things that it strips it of the happiness it can offer.

I have no patience for people who lie and self-pity to stir up drama.  Why?  Because the fact that they do that shows they've little appreciation for the true worth of happiness.  Life already holds so many tangles of hardship, those who contribute by choice are nothing but brats.

I haven't the time to risk my priorities and when it's time to have fun, I can't risk not having fun!   Every time I smile meaningfully, I'm appreciative of the fact that I even have that smile.  I don't know about the future, but I know memories are in the making, every day and every moment if we can give it reason enough to be remembered.

Who knows of the future, perhaps the world will end... What is existence for that matter?  If you think about it, the fact that you can smile, say for this moment of time, already makes it worth it's while.  Who cares if we shall perish one day, it's enough to say we existed and that we were happy if even for a mere moment.  

The question is not whether life is worthwhile for us, but if we are worthwhile to life.

the Rant

Since I was young, people have chosen me to be the one they lean on psychologically when they need help.  It's either "you're a good listener", "you give good insight," or "I know you can relate" as the reason behind being why they call... Or maybe I'm the only one available and they use say that to please me hahaha  I used to feel good that I could help them... But now, I should be the last person they call.  I am not trying to be mean, but honestly, I am one of the most unsympathetic people right now.  I can tolerate someone who is expressing their pain but never those who call me to self pity themselves.  I know there are many girls who lend sympathy, but for me, I'm just very cold with reason.

Yes, I have gone through stuff, which is the reason why I am not tolerate of whining... I went through it and I'm going through it which is why I don't have time for self pity.  I'm not trying to make myself sound like a superhero that's beaming with strength.  The problem is I haven't much enough strength which is why I have none to lend to others.

Let me show you what I mean:
On a typical day, I am trying to stay positive and to busy myself.  I've a lot of anxiety and worries on my mind...  Then I'll get a phone call.

Let me tell you true examples of things I've been told and my responses:


"My girlfriend left me.  She treated me so bad, I did so much for her... And even though she's seeing another guy, I'm still doing things for her."
my response:  "I understand if you're sad that she left you, but why encourage her to treat you like shit."
him:  "Because I want her to know I'm still there for her.  Sigh, everything's so bad for me."
my response:  "Oh, trust me, she already knows that.  She knows it so well she's not afraid to disrespect you like this.  If you want her back, the most you can do is step back and let her learn to appreciate you."
him:  "But it's hard... I just want her back right now.  A-And, I've done things to her too so it's not all her fault."


my response:  Sorry.  I've no sympathy.  You  guys both need to get yourselves straightened out.  Stop talking around it.  If you guys want a true relationship, learn to respect one another.  People always say they want something yet act the opposite towards it.  Don't pull all this shit on each other and then come to me to vent.  I dedicated my all when I was in a relationship... It wasn't easy.  I don't feel it's fair for you to come to me and tell me how hard something and therefore why you chose not to discipline yourself when I invested into that "hardship," so why should I have to deal with your lack of investment and self-pity? My health is messed, I'm struggling just to lead a normal life and to give myself a future... Yet, I'm suppose to spend the little energy I have throughout a day to tell you how your life doesn't suck?


NO THANKS.


The worst part is, when I do manage to restrain my anger and grumpiness to hear them out, they often tell me that they feel better...  I, however, will feel like crap after feeling their negativity.  

So contrary to what many believe, it is not always best to talk to someone who can relate.  Why would that person want to go through episodes of the same emotions again and reminders?

I am not trying to be mean... I honestly, just cannot control it and to be frank, it is what I feel inside.  
I can tolerate someone who is sad and attempting to process it by venting, I can listen to that as hard as it is...  But never SELF PITY.  I understand things are hard and even though I may not be the type that likes to talk, I understand that some others need to.  Even if someone makes a mistake, recognizes it and talks only to try to process the consequence of their mistake, I can attempt to handle that.  Just never call me attempting to self pity, EVER.  Actually, it's not the fact that someone self-pities... Sometimes you just do feel like you were handed bad cards in life.  It's the fact that you self pity to ME when you have more than me!!  How's that suppose to make me feel?  How am I suppose to stay positive?!


What do you think?  Am I being too mean?


Sigh, who am I kidding... No matter what, I still feel obligated to be there for someone.
JUST DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE NICE ABOUT IT.
... Because I can't :(




I'm not a fan of lipgloss but Lancome got these super cute lipglosses made with NATURAL ingredients!!  Honey and some other crap.  <-- This is why I'd never make it in advertising.