I find myself lately trying desperately to be happy.  All my thought related posts had left and everything was replaced with only positive things...  Everyday I sought out to do more and not even 4 days later did I find myself with an exhausted body that triggered depression.  I moved my bed to a less comfortable position thinking it was because sleep was becoming too enjoyable and encouraging me to rest more.  Again, that was proven wrong.  My enthusiasm had left me as my violent dreams soon returned.  I saw a thousand knives descend from the sky, charging towards the ground as I stood helpless among many others.  In the dream I was always the one who was meant to protect everyone...  To take in their fear and lend them reassurance.  But for all the strength I held inside, it was not enough to protect myself from what's to come.

I saw fleshless bones on a living body.  People screaming in chaos as blood ran down their bodies...

And I can only wonder... Why do I see such things in my dreams?

I try so hard to be positive when in fact, I am actually in a worse situation than those who ask me for help.  I have kept the truly negative from them.


I can't help but ponder while looking at another "friend" and wondering where she is.  The one whom we were there for but could care less after her life got better.  I don't need any one to talk to... I just can't hold the weight of another injured person right now which she could have done.  Friends should not be competitive amongst other friends nor do they disappear when they've gotten their life together.

The most I could do before was to show to discipline and reflect principles despite the heavy load of pain on myself, but even then... Those who were more out of control than me have gotten further down the road.  I shouldn't compare, but I find it extremely hard not to.


... Taking a deep breath and trying again.
It's not the aches and tired body that stop me, it's always the depression that follows.

Back in the Day Post
Even though it wasn't that long ago...







Back when...



Fredalyn first moved out... Yet her room still looked like a 12 year old's.



...When we posed for pictures as if they were family portraits. 




When our first home made dinner together consisted of a poached egg on toast with cheese string underneath (because you didn't have any regular cheese) and instant mashed potatoes and fries. Oh, and of course canned soup.




When we used a water bottle to measure things because she didn't have a measuring cup yet.A total example of... "You know you're ghetto when..."




When I could randomly call you up for a free rave, last minute clubbing or random adventures





When Halloween involved months of planning and preparation with home made costumes
"What are you guys suppose to be?" "I'm a jungle cat from the past and she's a ninja cat from the future and we time traveled to meet in the present to battle it out because there can only be one."
"What?"

Things that make me go wtf


1. This litter box that looks like it can fly




2. These overloaded waffles ( mmm ;)






3. These awesome cupcakes!! (cookie monster!)







4. This girl who wants to look like Jessica Alba to get back her ex



She's all sad right now, but I bet after she gets the surgery she's not going to want him anyway... Cause come on, she'll look like Jessica friggen Alba! And if the real one wouldn't go for him, why would she!? :P

Making the club into a playground

Clubbing two weeks in a row?! I haven't done that since... Since like a year ago! This time it was for Fredalyn's bf's birthday! He had his name printed on the tickets and a table in the VIP section where we went to feel important. Well, me and michelle anyway hahaha :P

While most people party by intoxicating themselves with alcohol, me and the girls did it our way... Solely using our immaturity to move us through the night.

Expect displays of stupidity from here on... I think I have a new love for entertaining pictures. :D Pictures of people standing just posing is just so boring! And yes, I fixed my bangs for the night... Or they grew out... My hair grows crazy fast. 0_o Either way, I'm not for certain, I just know they just started going to the side again. hahaha



The birthday boy... Damn Fredalyn was too busy holding on to her boyfriend to do the peace sign with us... Lucky for her I did two peace signs as a reflex to make up for hers... Otherwise the picture would have been RUINED!! You hear that Fredalyn?! :P



Side profile picture... Fredalyn = FAIL.



Fredalyn holding the camera the wrong way to take a picture HAHAHA I don't mean to pick on her... She just always seems to be doing something stupid in pictures!!



I'm hugging Holly and she's hugging herself, self-absorbed much? hahah Or maybe she thinks I'm trying to grab her inappropriately. :P

Holly gets soo happy dissing stupid girls in the club. Her face pretty much lights up. hahaha

"Omgosh, what is that girl wearing?!" it was a bunch of reflective things on a skimpy piece of fabric with straps everywhere all over the back.

"We don't even need a disco ball, we can just use her." Holly: "Yeah, just attach a piece of string to her and hang her up." "Dude, you don't even need to attach a string, we can just use the ones she has."

Holly: HAHAHAHA ^______^ < such joy like you've never seen before.


From L-R: the shy one, the flirty one, the sweet one and then there's me... The random ever so unsexy one.
Fyi, the labels are based solely on the pose only... Except for mine, I am just as unsexy outside of that picture as well.

Fredalyn, this totally reminds me of those cat keychains I showed you.

Michelle is a pro with this, look at her side-back-glance seductive pose while Fredalyn's struggling to even keep the rose in her mouth hahahaha


Michelle fail.

then Fredalyn fail.




Mimicking Garrick's ever so cool pose. For some reason he looks like a cat to me... So I drew whiskers on him. :D



Michelle's a superwoman. She was carrying me on her back while throwing a peace sign!!


Okay, I saved the best for last:







the end.

sidenote: the pictures have not been added to album yet!

Anything worth dreaming for cannot be merely wished for.
We can only ask for the opportunity for it to come true, the rest is up to us.

---

Happy Birthday
to Meeee!








Thank you so much to the girls that took the time to try to make me happy in celebration for it. Sorry for my sudden withdrawal prior to it - I'm like an animal when emotionally wounded, I have to hide. But it had nothing to do with you guys! I have to say that I was really touched this year. They kept trying to look for me and refused to stop trying. They kept everything free of plans up to the very last minute!

So sweet!




Despite it being my birthday, I really wasn't for dressing up...

My hair was also a mess, I could't make it stay up enough!

I told some of the girls I'm not dressing up, but those jerks dressed up anyway!!

"Why are you girls dressed up!? Are you trying to make me look bad?! I told you guys I'm going casual!"

the girls: "What?! We didn't know!"

Michelle: "... I KNEW! She told me! :) "

the girls: "Wtf dude, you're the most dressed up."

hahaha

Michelle, who is a cake fanatic went and bought a variety of cake that all looked soo good.



Look at sweet tooth Fredalyn starring at the cakes. hahahah



She's STILL starring.



Michelle: "I went and got them for you, aren't I such a good friend?! :)"

"You do know I'm allergic to strawberries, right?"

*Silence*

Michelle: "..... Well eat around it, @#$!."

Friendship, right there. :P

We didn't drink alcohol with it. We drank tea. I was feeling damn old at this point.



Good thing my cup was the most immature. SUMO WRESTLERs! Me and Michelle knew how to do this picture RIGHT, Holly and Fredalyn is a FAIL... Especially Fredalyn who holds the bottom of her cup with her nails ahahah :P




Okay confession, we totally planned for this picture... My idea of course. If it's stupid, it's my idea. How can a picture so ugly be planned? I wanted to pretend it was a "coffee" ad. hahahah You know how they're always so natural and happy in those ads? LOL I get bored of repetitive pictures with friends, okay! :D



Here's me looking like I'm doing some sort of dance or saying happy chinese new year. I was REALLY trying to stop the flash of photos from all around. Damn mofos were blinding me with it!


After cake eating, we walked around downtown looking for a place to go.
I really wanted to go dancing... With RnB and hip hop music! Sadly, the clubs were pretty packed and I lost all my hook ups by now... Well, perhaps not the asian clubs but I dislike the "gangster wannabe" vibe in there.

We finally saw a club which none of us have checked out. We stood in line for 5 minutes when the bouncer pulled us up... Wait, I'm sorry... Pulled FREDALYN in front. :P

Okay, I don't know if this was the WRONG club for us to go to or if it's actually the BEST club for us to have chosen.

The inside of the club was full of mature looking individuals. I would say 25 and up. The girls all wore dresses, most had implants and walked around with their head high with Chanel on their side We looked the youngest without a doubt. Especially me who was wearing the most unsophisticated outfit that emphasized my small frame, further encouraging the idea that I'm underage.

Well, I definitely felt young there so it made me rethink about the whole being older idea!

The bad thing was that it was only house music :( I couldn't dance to my hearts content. It turned into a clubbing experience... Clubbing and dancing are two different things to me. Clubbing involves drinking and standing around... Dancing is well, self explanatory.

To relieve my boredom, we started taking random pictures. Yes, it was odd being so immature while everyone else was so serious... But it's us! hahaha



See the girls in the back that look like cougars? The entire crowd seemed to easily fit into stereotypical categories! There were the asians... Every one of them walked into the club like that were somebody while me and my girls stood in the corner getting pushed around by a door hahaha



(My super low rise jeans make my hips look like it's too fat to fit in my jeans! hahaha)



Okay, coming to an end of birthday post. Despite my hair being a mess, wearing an outfit that didn't really compliment my frame and not getting to dance as much as I had planned, I still had fun. It wasn't about the hair or the outfit, or music anymore... I felt so "protected" with their love. I'm not the type that needs crazy plans, I just like things to be carefree, random and fun... Which is exactly what it was. :)

Oh, and if you're wondering why I was past out for the entire day for my birthday after, it was cause I had ONE shot of jaggerbomb. I sobered up that night, but it still left it's affect on my body. :(

This is my true new year. I'm looking forward to the future for positive progressive change.




I now have to live like crazy in the next couple years so I don't have to fear getting old.

Thank you girls for everything!