I choose to live in my own little world rather than to compare myself to a world full of people. What good did that ever do? Either you give up feeling you're not good enough or you settle that for merely being better at something rather than striving for the most out of yourself.

If I should compare, let it be on my own scale.

Someone once wrote to me and said, "There's something I can't pinpoint. You seem troubled, sad, almost like you've given up, yet you're contradictingly optimistic at the same time. I don't even get how that works, but that's what you are."

Well, maybe that's just exactly what it is? :')

The darkness is so comforting to me once again. I bask in its protective warmth where my thoughts can see no truth and feel no harm. Only in darkness do I feel such reassurance in exploring my thoughts, even those that are of the most despicable. It judges me not for it cannot see, it can only reach and feel from where I come from.

I hear that familiar whisper again, "Don't let it all go."

I once craved for the crowds, for the laughter and for the noise to aid in distracting myself. But all I want now is to be left alone. I don't fit.

I've fallen again, in a depression that threatens to rip the remainder of my soul from my body. I am soon to become nothing but a dead shell, destined to listen to the echos of what was once there, what once claimed me. For now, it seems the only time my soul shows itself is when it is in the presence of pain; otherwise, it remains utterly silent even in the moments when there is a smile upon my face.

Perhaps it has never forgiven me for letting go so many years ago; of my dreams, my goals, my aspirations. I have deprived it of it's nourishment, feeding it only tears of reassurance and promises that one day, there will only be an option to chase what is desired and no longer a wait.

They say they know me, but really what do they know? What can they make sense of in what I've given to them? It's not as if I am of any importance to be understood, but I rather not be said to be understood if that is not the case. If I were truly understood, I reckon I would not feel so alone.

to be continued... Unfortunately.

Many times I find myself sitting here just starring.

I know there's something I want to write, but I don't know what to say.
I know there's something I need to say, but I don't know what to write.

My words never seem to measure up to the emotions I feel. Emotions are whole while words have the tendency of being incomplete and lacking in its message.

How can I try when the effort itself ruins the beauty in expression. I believe the most beautiful forms of expressions are ones that can be expressed with ease. Only then is the emotion revealed in its purest form.

So why try? For now, I suppose, for now, my emotions will only remain understood within me.

"Making the simple complicated is easy.
Making the complicated simple is brilliant."
- off the wrapper on a bar of Ivory soap.

Hockey!

Went to the canucks pre season game... And even though it doesn't count for the season, it was a friggen good game!!

We were behind the bench so we got to see them close up along with their facial expressions, from frustrations to glory.

Discussion in the background with whether the goal counted

The Sedin twins!!

My absolute favorite is seeing the players take off onto the ice when other players returned. Passionate and full of determination and energy. No doubt my favorite. In fact, many times I watched that instead of the game. :P

Hahah Look at the calgary player, he's like, "oh crap, the sedin twins!" :P

With 10 seconds left and one goal behind in making it into overtime, our goalie left the net and all went rushing towards their end. A shot was taken... But missed. Everyone sighed a breath of disappointment and was about to sit down thinking it was about over... When suddenly Daniel Sedin did a refire and got the shot with only 0.02 seconds left!!!!! How friggen crazy is that?! It kind of made me feel sad that we gave up before they did and we're not even playing!! hahah

Overtime came with no scores from either side. Each team was giving their all.

So it was time for the shootout. We scored one, they scored one, we missed two, they missed two. Then Daniel Sedin came up again, got a great shot, scored it and they missed theirs!

We win!! Yay!!!! Ultimate finish to what was already a great game.

"What's the purpose of life?"

"Why do you bother asking. It's like if someone gave you a present and instead of unwrapping and enjoying it, you busy yourself wondering why so much that it defeats the purpose of the gift, itself."

"But if I fail to understand what I hold, how can I truly enjoy it. It's like if I were a kid getting a new complex, computerized toy. If I'm not sure as to what I'm suppose to do with it, how can I make the most of it... How would I know the purpose of it."

"Well, if you play around with it, somewhere along the way, you'll probably catch on to its full potential and thus, purpose. That's just like the purpose of life... You wouldn't know until you test it out."

I've been lost within a depression set forth with my own mind. I locked myself within, not wanting to step out, not wanting to be with mindless individuals carrying conversation as if it really matters what they talk about.

I feel like most things now is just practice before I can really live.

Okay, I'm going to try to sound a little less depressing...!

I've only been trying to distract myself lately. I've been obsessively learning, watching documentaries about the universe, aliens and religion, to even prisons around the world. I'm pretty sure you guys are wondering what Fredalyn was wondering: "And WHY are you learning about prisons?"

"You never know dude, you never know."
hahaha :P

I also went on a cleaning rampage that lasted for days:







(that deodorant on the right makes it smell like a glade plug in just went off every time I lift my arms. -____-)





I even went so far as to move this type of closet around on carpet, even with a bit of lifting to get it over cords! I'm stronger than I look, rawr! -___- hahaha I did that by myself resulting in extremely sore muscles but I just wanted immediate change, I wanted to stop the thoughts attacking me.


Okay, no more sad talk. =X

Now for some intellectual talk... Yay!! hahaha

So I was watching the prison documentary showing the man who murdered his ex girlfriend and her mom, cut their heads off and microwaved it.

The man suffered from paranoid schizophrenia since at a young age. He would hear a negative voice telling him he's bad and tormenting him to do things. He started cutting himself cause he couldn't stand what they were calling him and telling him to do. He suffered through that ordeal and tried to manage it on his own. You could see how hard it was on him when he talks about it and breaksdown. He brought himself up, paying for his own car, having his own place and also had 30g on the side.

That's when his girlfriend at the time broke up with him and tried to steal his money. She threatened him and when he went to her house to get the money, her mom and her held a gun to his head. He said he just lost it, he couldn't control the voices, he was so angry at what they were doing to him, he let go of everything, didn't care about anything and just listened to what the voices told him to do... Which was to cut off their heads and microwave it.

Hearing him speak, you can tell a portion of his logical side is gone. It almost seems like... His body is not there to think, but to feel what he's told to feel.

He has life in prison now and has to see the psychiatrist to control the voices.

I don't know about you, but I felt more angry at what that girl did. He had a nagging voice tormenting him since he was young and he tried to achieve a normal life regardless... Nobody was there to help him and yet they just made things worse for him, taking things from him as if they were more helpless than he was. It wasn't right what he did of course, but it makes me wonder how much of him was there when he did it. If a health problem replaces you, how much of you still exists. Enough to suffer but not to choose? It angers me that because of selfish people, such ugly outcomes are encouraged. It's a sad ending for both.

---

Random conversation:

T: "Yeah, I'm not into tae yang anymore. He looks too young to me at times."
F: "Oh really? I'm actually looking at his pictures right now." T: "Yeah, I'm done with that." F: "Oh... Wow, he's friggen RIPPED eh." T: "Yeah, he is. haha" F: "DAMN, he looks so hot when he poses." T: "Haha yeah he knows how to take pictures well." F: "Shit, he ---" T: "STOP F*CKING LOOKING AT PICTURES OF MY TAE YANG YOU STUPID B*TCH!! I'M GOING TO F*CKEN KILL YOU!!!" F: ".........." T: "I mean, yeah... He's hot."

It is hard having to chase a dream,
but it is even harder to not have a dream to chase.

It's what makes one fear of growing old; it's what makes one reluctant to sleep; it's what makes one see just how superficial they are... That the simple is not enough. Suddenly life is to prove something to yourself. You'd go so far for that reassuring whisper at the very end that says, "you've existed."

How did man first know the need to eat? Was it a simple craving that led him to seek food? And how did he know which food was acceptable? I have a craving I cannot fathom and nothing seems to fit.

They say friends and family is the only thing that matters... But in the many times when I am alone, it is my abilities and inabilities that speak to me, not them.