Congratulations to Anna
for graduating from nursing!

The girls with some girl I just met that night there.
She thought I was 21... And that Lily was 20. I used to always get underage,
and then suddenly in as little as a year after my baby fat shed, I started looking closer to my age! "Hey Lily, did your baby fat shed off like crazy suddenly as you grew up?" L: "I still HAVE baby fat!!! ...Unless my face is just fat, then I don't know." hahahah Lily wearing a dress from mimi mcqueen - totally inexpensive and simple... Yet, I love her dress! Anna wearing a dress from forever 21 that had a decorative back crossing and everything! I'm wearing an old dress I just took and altered with pins. hahaha It's not called cheap, we're just thrifty! :P Cheap looks tacky okay! :P

Lily, Anna & me - Don't you just love how my hair is just all over the place?
While everyone had theirs curled and done up, mine was just... Chilling hahah

Random memory:
fredalyn: "Dude! Your hair looks sooo good today, I can't stop staring! I like it, what'd you do to it!?" tina: *says with a proud face* "I combed it. :]"



Taking a picture with everyone's flowers that were originally decorating their tables hahaha




Originally they were limited on tickets, but Anna managed to help me get my bb in.
Only problem is he only brought casual clothes back from China hahah



Us outside about to leave. He doesn't like this picture cause we're not close enough... But I like it cause I look happy... Maybe because we're not close. :P hahaha jj



But I'm a sweet girl, so I'll compromise. Here's a picture of us close AND happy . Not my fault he's doing a stupid face... But I still like it cause he looks adorable :P

friend: "Hey, I like your nail polish! What color is that?" "Uh.... Clear?"


@ science world. I was playing with a bunch of random kids there. For some reason kids like to look at me for attention. I think they sense how I like to play hahahah

FYI, I was posing with a hippo cause I like hippos... Ever since I was little and my mom wouldn't buy me the hungry, hungry hippo game. She said I'll forget about it eventually. Obviously, I still haven't.



So we tested our stretching abilities. BB was set on beating me. We're competitive like that. :P Notice his harsh bent knees?


Okay, mine are only SLIGHTLY bent okay hahaha I kept getting a consistent 28 without bending though! hahaha :P

See that kid in the back? One of the kids we were playing with.



So then we went to try the squeeze grip thingy. He got 32. I got 31 which is pretty good for a girl my size okay!


I'm not actually squeezing it anymore, he just wanted to take a picture hahah



Then we played this hammering game... Though these were not our scores. The score review went away so fast. :( I told him prior to the game, "Are you sure you want to play me on this? I'm really good. hahaha" He said, "WHATEVER, I'm better." He got 230, I got 270. Yay!! :P



Here's him hugging humping a burger.



"Hey bb, look *points to the guy on the back left*. That's you in 10 years!!"
I think the guy's wife knew exactly what I was thinking. hahaha


Exhausted after a competing time at science world. Outside in the sun.

"Hey bb, you like my lipstick?" BB: "Yes :) It's very nice." me: "Yeah, I thought you'd like it since it's pink. *cough* See look, it matches your shirt!"

I know, I seem so mean to my bb. He's mean to me too though! It's just he's not good enough at it but he still tries!! hahah We're competitive in teasing each other, arcade games, pool, whatever. We even have kung fu play fights in which I totally win okay... Sometimes hahah :P

Why am I on the right in all of the pictures? hahaha

We watched the imax show in the dome shaped theatre about beavers. It was actually pretty interesting. Did you know beavers can take down whole trees just by themselves? Or that they make a lot of random sounds that sound like babies? They're funny too!! Well... At least I thought so.


Bb came over to my house to sleep over. He always tries to talk like he's not shy and puts me down for being shy. He used to boss me around at his house all the time and tell me to go to the kitchen to get stuff for him but I felt weird. He would scold me saying who cares! This time at my house I did the same to him but showed him how "not shy" he is. -___-

"Bb, can you get my cup for me in my room and come back to the kitchen?"
b: "... Arent you coming with me?" t: "No, it's just getting a cup." b: "No, forget it! Just use another one here!" He was trying to act like he just didn't want to be bossed around but he was scared to pass the living room cause of my parents. me: "Okay fine! I'll get it myself then!." b: "Yeah, you do that! Don't be so lazy." me: "Okay, but just to let you know if someone comes in here, you're by yourself. Okay bye!" bb: "HUH! Nonono! I'll go get it, I'll go get it!!"

Random Memories & Conversations



T: "No seriously fredalyn, I think we can say whatever we want to guys and they don't take the hint cause of our smile." Guy approaches at the club and smells puke nearby... "EEEwwww, what's that smell! It must be you guys! hahaha Awww, I'm just joking." T: "Hey, I'm not mad. If that's what it take to keep you away I'll take it!" Guy stares at us as we smile... "Aww, you guys are so cute, you want a drink?" T: "See!!" F: "HAHAHAHA"


halloween designed and self made costumes

Puking in the washroom from mixing medication by mistake as you watched while eating ice cream.



Baking at Fredalyn's house:

F: "Okay, I found the recipe on my laptop. So how do you want to do this, we need the recipe in the kitchen. I can print it but I'll have to install the printer again." T: "Why don't... I take a picture of it with my camera and zoom in on it from the display." F: "Maybe I should just rewrite the whole thing." T: "We can just keep coming back to look at it when we need." *After 10 minutes* F: "OR... Or I can just take the laptop to the kitchen." ........ In my defense, I don't owe a laptop so it didn't occur to me. What's your excuse Fredalyn?


T: "That stupid $#*%& tried to pull a lame bimbo diss on me and then acted like she was the bigger person after." F: "Why do people who lack common sense always try to front like they're the bigger person just cause they don't want to deal with it." T: "...Yeah, The only way she's a bigger person is if we were comparing thighs okay."


T: "You're not wearing makeup..." F: "Yeah! I'm doing the natural look!" T: "...Maybe you should put some on." AHAHAHA How are you still friends with me!?


Almost forgot how these memories make me feel!
More to come! :)

Another summer gone.

Every summer I tell myself the same thing, "I'm going to do as much as I can this time! I'm going to top last years!" Yet it seems every summer I just do less and less. In fact, every year I only become more and more anti-social it seems.

I HATE large gatherings where everyone is to know each other and engage in constant conversation. This is especially the case with my babe's friends cause guys just like to make fun of everything... Which is fine, except when I'm tired because of my health situation and they have no clue and start making fun of it! One actually notices I have two different personalities... One which is energetic, fires back disses and that he finds very smart. The other is withdrawn, slow and out of it. He calls this one the, "retarded" me. Which totally upsets me due to the situation as you can imagine. That plus the large gatherings only make me feel pressured to be at my mental best... Which I can't always provide. One of his friends actually thought I was drunk. It didn't help that I fell asleep right at the dinner table at 10pm.

My babe used to do be so proud of me how I can take on his best friend in dissing wars when no one else can... I can only feel as if he's ashamed of me when I'm at my slow state. :( Okay, I know inside he's not, but I feel ashamed at least.



I'm STILL trying to recover from last week from exerting myself. Up until then, I really thought I was getting better. I experienced no rashes, no brain fog, no muscle aches, no nausea, no dizzyness, arthritis, you name it. Well, all except the insomnia and nightmares. Suddenly, I'm experiencing almost everything again, as well as chest pain. I can feel another lung infection growing! My rashes have even upgraded and are on the verge of becoming hives as well.

Fyi, these rashes as seen on the left come and go, staying only about half an hour and then fully disappearing. Problem is...

WHEN I GET THEM ON MY NECK THEY LOOK LIKE HICKIES!

I used to go to school and have people say to me, "Well Tina, what were YOU doing last night."

5:23pm/ Opinionated Thought

You know how people always say that confidence is beauty? I don't think that always applies. I've met a few girls who are not the prettiest, but shine with confidence and smarts and I think, "Wow, she carries a different sort of beauty that seriously makes her even prettier than those that are pretty." But then there are these other girls who are either average or below but act as if they're so pretty and I think, "Are you kidding me? Who do you think you are? You're so arrogant!" I think the problem here is that you have to be sure your personality can make up for your confidence... Otherwise you're just cocky.

I think the saying should be, "Justification is beauty." :P

Choose your path in life or it will be chosen for you.

So much for just wanting good.

I find it weird when you help a cause and they thank you. Why? Aren't you doing it for the cause? Aren't you just trying to help them like they are? In fact, they probably did way more than you did to help, yet, we have to be complimented as if we're little kids to feed our egos of "how much good" we did. They even lowered their pride so they can help the cause more. We can't even seem to do that and yet we think we are so deserving of a "thank you." It's like 50% of your money goes towards really wanting to help them, and the other 50% is so that you can feel good about yourself.

Similarly, it seems like a lot of the "regulars" that attend religious services, such as church and temple, are in it for the wrong reasons. Many of them are quite opposite of what you'd expect. I find a lot of them to be more judgemental, stuck up and intolerant. It seems like a lot of them go just to feel good about themselves and consider themselves to be "wholesome, good individuals" that can start judging others because they now think they are at a higher position to be able to. Shouldn't you go, not to stroke your ego, but to really want to seek understanding and the desire for good?

It just frustrates me how so many people don't understand why they want to do good, they just do it because they were taught it's good. Don't get me wrong though, I admire them for going so often, it shows discipline, but at the same time it shows selfishness because they are mostly going to feel good about themselves while they blatantly disregard the messages taught. I'm not speaking of the ones who make mistakes in but are trying to change it but haven't yet. I'm speaking of those who look at themselves as higher class and only share the riches of what they were taught between others that are also "higher class."

^the Worst Kinds of Beautiful
These are the consequences of having a logical mind...

      It is not that I think of myself to be intelligent... I just think of myself as having to think a lot for everything and anything. Even upon writing that I think, "but how do I know what a lot is?" My mind is like an average looking girl with a great personality, she may not be pretty, but damn it, she still tries with her personality ok! Likewise, my mind may not necessarily be smart, but it still tries to be more than wasted space. Does that not make it beautiful in it's own way?

A lot of people have said to me, "Wow, you think a lot! Your ideas are very thought provoking. I never saw it that way." Or, "Every time we engage in deep conversation, I feel thought-ridden from you and I hate it." To even, "You need to get out more." But regardless of the ever changing comments, what I feel within seems loyal.

I'm writing to express the sorrows of what my heavy mind has posed upon me. Yes, this may be the first time I actually put down the miraculous gift of a mind. Maybe it's just how I use it, maybe I'm doing it wrong, but I wonder, is thinking suppose to hurt this bad?

People look at me and think, "You look like such a happy girl, not a thought in the world. You don't seem to care about much, you're always smiling and throwing mean jokes around. You seem like a kid at heart. And also, you're like super cool. (thanks)."

Yes, I am aware I am eating a piece of my hair in the picture. Nom nom nom!
In actuality, I am tortured through thoughts. How can I put this...

Thoughts aid me, they've molded me, they created me. But it's the execution of producing such thoughts that is so torturous. Just like in child birth, the birthing of new thoughts is exasperating. They rip through my mind, stretching it to boundaries I never thought were possible or at least healthy... "How can something be right if it's hurt so damn much?!" I wonder. But once the knowledge has been concluded upon and thus born, I accept it in its whole and it makes me feel a little more complete.

But sometimes, despite how beautiful knowledge is to me, I feel overwhelmed and broken down. The torturous process of planting the many seeds of thoughts fighting to become the winning conclusion tolls my body just as much my mind. Yes, the reproductive comparison is going to go on...


They say the mind is a powerful thing as if that who is holding it is blessed with confidence, assurance and strength.

On the contrary, I am constantly guilt-ridden even when I know I have reason behind my actions. Yet, my mind keeps saying to itself, "Are you sure? Are you sure your thoughts are valid?" Repeat that like 100x. I have confirmed I am sure 100x but it will ask 100x more. I am certain yet uncertain. I have asked and answered it enough to know I am not wrong, yet my mind insists I keep going until I feel wrong. In fact, many of the situations in which I felt like this, the other person was disgustingly wrong. Disgustingly, meaning that the fact that they even dare defend their actions was unbelievably self absorbed and selfish.

But that's what thoughts do, they tell you to go where they want, force you to trample through feelings of sh*t to arrive to where they like. My thoughts are spoiled to say the least.

I am constantly thought ridden as well. The things people deem as straight forward and simple, my mind sees as complex and suspicious. My mind accepts nothing for what it is until I tear it apart and rebuild from the bottom up. It trusts nothing to such an extent that sometimes I feel as if I know nothing.

I constantly think with logic not realizing that many others don't. You tell them your reasoning, they tell you an insult or unrelated BS. Even with so much thought behind you, you can't use it, you're force to utter something like, "Yeah? Well, I know you are but what am I?"

So tell me, how can I hold self confidence when my thoughts constantly doubt itself so that it can be certain that it is certain of itself? How can I feel assurance if my thoughts require assurance more than it can provide assurance for me? How can I feel strength when others can't even compute reasoning? My thoughts are like children to me. Countless children running everywhere, yelling, screaming, crying for attention. Why am I such a slut for thoughts. Maybe I should just close my mind up for good.

Random Memories:











He told me to order whatever I wanted. I was sooo happy.
He spoils me with food, that's really how he won my heart. :)

Another time we stepped into an expensive chinese restaurant in sweats and was seated in the middle of the place with no one around us. He then tells the waiter to bring an order of "pekkin duck" (one of my favs) for only the two of us. The whole restaurant stared on as the waiter continued smiling and shaking his head.

He then looks at me and says, "One day, I'll make it so you can feel like this everyday." :')

Food makes me happy. I find it to be one of the greatest and most valuable luxuries of life.

"I try to run but I'm not that fast.
Doesn't matter though, cause I'm set to last."

---

Itchy!
I'm not trying to brag here, not like it's even something you can brag about, but mosquitos usually don't bite me. I think they sense how unhealthy my blood is that they don't want it. Either way, for the entire summer, I've been bitten free... Until yesterday when I decided to give more attention to my skin.

I replaced my 10 minute showers with a 20 minute one and used scrubbers all over my legs. Well, I think all that work on my legs only made it seem more appealing to the mosquitos cause 30 minutes later, I had 5 bites on ONE leg. That's when I caught notice of the mosquito flying around. I caught it in my hand but didn't have the heart to kill it. =/

the aftermath:

SOB!! It's soo itchy.

Meitu - Xiu Xiu

For those who know me well, I like things simple and conservative... Which isn't the best thing when you're taking photostickers. I pay $10 and avoid using any of their functions which defeats the purpose. I'm always amazed at other people's photostickers. It's filled with nice writing, cute poses, random additions of cuteness... Whereas mine at the most would just have the date. I don't really care for photostickers though, I'm just not those girly type. =/

Despite that, I still had fun with this "photoshop-like" program I got to know about through another blog! This program gives you the same effects as though you would find in a photosticker booth!

Okay, before I show you what I did with my photos, don't expect cuteness overload with flashy, sparkly stuff all over. It's EXTREMELY plain. hahaha


The program even let me change my hair color!! Too bad I forgot to change my eyebrow color. It lets you add different types of contacts too!! Which I enjoyed cause I don't get to wear that many or any at all in real life hahah There is even one function that makes it look like you're wearing those round black contacts!

They also let you add fake eyelashes, lipstick, blush, whatever! Except I only used the eyelash function cause I'm sooo boring.



This is the CLOSET to a "cute" photosticker look I can come up with hahaha I look like a bug

But it's super easy to use! It's in chinese which I can't even read cause I'm a "useless" chinese born canadian who can only speak it. But I just guessed everything out, it's pretty easy to figure out.

http://xiuxiu.meitu.com/
Download here!

---

Colored Contacts


Tried contacts the other day again. Not only did I try contacts, but COLORED ones at that! I haven't really cared for them ever since I was young. They're still drying out my eyes so much that I had to squint. Wonder if there's any brand that can actually eliminate that factor for me.

Dimming all else til all I see is what "matters"

They say love makes people into better individuals...
Frankly, I'm going to have to disagree. It can go either way.

Love gives people the courage to be who they really are, the confidence to do as they wish, and even the support to feel like they are never wrong. All these factors can support the bad in people just as much as it can for the good. It depends solely on where the individual wants to take it.

You get what you get in the end, which may not always
be what you orignally wanted but perhaps what you needed.

No More

No more travelling back and forth to and from Victoria.

No more having to cook dinner for 4

No more apt neighbours,

No more lake in the backyard

No more connected washroom in bedroom

No more large closet space and mirrors

....

Which is fine cause

I left with what matters most,

^And yes. That picture is referring to him too!

:)

Even my dreams are thought infested

I went to sleep at about 10pm on a Saturday night yesterday. Prior to that I had already taken 3 naps. I really should have found it more difficult to fall asleep but I was pestered by emotional pain and hatred.

In the middle of the night, I thought I had woke up... You know that state where you're still dreaming but have conscious awareness to think?

I thought I had opened my eyes and saw a shadow of an alien centered on my wall next to the bed. I freaked out and tried to wake up but couldn't. I dreamt they were trying to take my cats. So in my dream I reached under my bed and grabbed my cats back and punched whatever was under the bed in the face. Yeah, wtf right? It's an alien, you punch it, it'll probably do something 10x worse to you. Well, it did. It was some type of alligator alien they put under my bed with tiny little teeth. It bit my finger and although it didn't look critical, I had a feeling it was more than just a bite.

Somehow I started dreaming that I was in an apartment where the aliens continued to try to take my cats. There were military guys there trying to control the situation of the contaminated area.

But then the aliens started talking to me, this part I found intriguing. They said that they have an advantage over humans that allows them to win even before humans can even bother to try. They have no emotions. Whatever we see and experience is tainted with emotions that prevents us from seeing the truth in things or for what something really is. They already know of the meaning of life while we seek to find a meaning we feel "satisfied" about and can accept. They spend time investing in progression for their whole species rather than self diluted thoughts about what one wants to achieve in their life.

They said that the bite the alligator gave me heightened my emotions, so much that I psychologically wanted to envision an ending or even a weapon to fight back with (hence the military guys) to prevent myself from emotional overload. Whenever our emotions reach such a point, we breakdown and disillusion ourselves to feel peace of mind or accept it and find ourselves feeling dead within.

Soon after, a military guy knocked on my door, asked if I'm okay and put a bandaid on my finger. Only it didn't even touch my wound, it was merely placed next to it.

Symbolic or what.

He asked if I was disappointed, already expecting for the answer to be 'yes.' But if only I was merely disappointed, he would have had it so much easier. Disappointment requires standards, expectations, and anticipation to work... All of which my mind no longer paid much attention toward anymore. All that passed my mind was how I wished I was 21 again. Not that I was living the same life at 21, but if I could be 21 now with the knowledge I hold now. These were the years I devoted to developing understanding, patience and disciplining my emotions. It's not to say that there is little value in all of these; on the contrary, it's value is endless... However, so is my youth and the need for experience and freedom.

Freedom includes stripping oneself of the emotional burdens that clings so tightly. I felt as if I had postponed my life while another took their sweet time to learn by jeopardizing me and still, has seemingly yet to understand in full. I had once said that if a person could and is trying to learn, I cannot say that they are not deserving, even if it is at the consequence of me. But it came to a point where I felt that the morale was already held, yet the desire the enforce it was not there... Perhaps it is now, but I had lost the patience.

This was more your story than it was mine. I know because I've still yet to feel as if I've lived.