Heatwave!

Much too hot to write!!

---

July 29

It's not about how high you reach, 

but how far you can take it.

In my younger years, I was shy towards those whom I wasn't close to... Now, I am quiet towards those others. Despite the seemingly lack of difference in my behavior, they derive from two opposing factors.

I was once shy because I did not know myself;

I am now quiet because I do.

At age 14 I had once said that,
I never, ever, ever want to feel like I'm not good enough again for anything by anybody."

This statement echoed within me throughout all these years while I strived to become better and better. Granted, I doubt myself a lot, but I can never take it when another doubts me. Despite the barriers that were left by my health, I never truly felt like I couldn't have done something if it weren't present. I am still capable underneath it all and it's going to shine through.

---

The only other highlight of the past few days is...

This huge bran flake I found in my cereal. Exciting I know!! (I know you think I'm being sarcastic, but I'm not. I saved that thing for another day to eat hahaha)

Deep in thought.

A sudden flood of thoughts and emotions have rushed upon me.

I, for some reason, feel like "now's the time," whatever that means. It's been screaming at me for the past while... During the time of which I wanted to withdrawl. Though, I can't say for sure what it refers to... I feel a confrontation coming up with my emotions.


Have you ever felt like you changed so suddenly that you don't even know where the cause came from? I've been a person of logic and reason... But suddenly I have nothing to offer myself in explanations.


I'm in a frantic search for comfort and familiarity.

A mind of intellect reflected through act rather than speech

Do you remember the story of one of the individuals that I worked with (we didn't have the same position, his was higher) in Victoria? I told you that there many more remarkable people, each with their own touching story that worked there and that I would tell you more later.

Well, I thought I'd just tell you how brilliant and hard working I find the owner of the company. He was poor growing up, living in a trailer park with his mother and siblings while his father had abandoned them. He loved his mom but hated his siblings who had opposite personalities than him. At age 19, he didn't finish school but worked and saved enough money to buy a car and literally drove all the way across Canada looking for a job. He came here, to Vancouver and found one starting from the bottom. He worked hard, didn't give up while others quit out of stress and he had become exceptionally good at selling. Each sale offers a lot of commission but it can be hard to sell. He sold so much that he became the manager, pushing everyone under him to sell and do better. From their sales he got a percentage of the commission and at this point he had already become wealthy.

At age 23 (last year) he moved to Victoria, opened up his own company and is reaching even higher.


Despite his lack of education, I would never call him stupid. Like I had once said, school is not a place to develop wits, merely one of the places you can go to practice it. Knowledge is memorization, wisdom is developed on one's own.

Can I talk about eyebrows again?

I love thick eyebrows on girls... Providing they can pull it off that is! I find it gives the face character. If you show me a pretty girl with thin eyebrows, I'd probably agree that she's pretty. If she could pull of thick eyebrows though, I'd probably find her to be suddenly even better!

Example 1:

Kim Kardasian

She is GORGEOUS... 

I think if she had thin eyebrows I wouldn't think as much of her though.

Example 2:

Megan Fox

Have you seen her with thin eyebrows? 

She looked extremely boring and plain.

She almost looks like a cheap pornstar

Example 3:

Whoever this girl is.

Not everyone looks better with thick eyebrows though,

... She looks much better with thin eyebrows. 

 And just to let you know, it's not that I don't think any girls with thin eyebrows aren't gorgeous!

Take Cheryl Cole for instance, GORGEOUS!

I closed my eyes...
For it seems I see best with them closed at times like these.

I felt a cringe from within, begging of me to withdrawl back. I shriveled for warmth so that the cold winds of insecurities had less to touch upon.

Had I been trying to be someone I'm not or had I failed at becoming who I should be? The punishment for both was one and the same. My need to exist was not deriving from a need for attention, but rather, from the need to feel that what I choose to touch upon, can be moved. I wished to grow the confidence I need so that I may use my strength whenever I willed. I did not want to possess such confidence only when it was granted from others.

But suddenly, I found myself feeling alone and uncertain of anything I held. The dreadful fears fled back, seeping within my dreams as I slept. My only weapon was you. My mind had never forgotten the way you made me feel understood with such an effortless touch. It seems correct to say that when one truly understands something in its entirety, it requires no effort at all. I did not feel the need to write, to create or explain to lure the tangles of my emotions and thoughts out. None was necessary to feel a sense of validation when around you.

I ran up the flight of stairs with you as you tried to get me away from the misery I found myself in. You held my hand as you reassured me in that promising voice you do that "it will be okay." As stairs hit upon floors and floors continued to stairs, the sights began to grow more harsh. We passed people fighting, a man bleeding, another near death, and a nest of angry wasps. I held tighter, afraid to lose you after going through so much. Your forced smile told me that it will get worse before it gets better. We ran higher and higher til I felt as if I had only jailed myself to what I wanted to get away from...

It was then that I realized that reaching higher did not always mean that you were getting farther.

In other words, sometimes setting goals too high achieves nothing.

Innocent-minded? I think not.

First of, this is not a post about the movie to the side. I just used the picture for my topic.

Here's a scenario that actually happened.

A girl has a sister who is clearly overweight while she's skinnier and even prettier. They go rollerblading together where they take pictures; one of them being of the overweight sister trying to hop on a short and wide pole to sit on. Obviously with her rollerblades it made it difficult.

So the skinny sister takes a picture of her sister struggling to hop on to no avail cause she sucks on rollerblades. She finds it hilarious and posts with the whole album of pictures from that day and captions it with laughter and "she can't get on!" In the previous photos she has pictures showing how bad her sister is on rollerblades.

So some person comes along and writes (probably while finding himself very proud and good hearted), "Wow. That is pretty mean. How can you treat her like that." I didn't get it. I kept reading it over and over, not understanding why he was so serious and why it was so mean. Then I realized that what he saw was not two sisters having fun and one teasing another for sucking at rollerblading. What he saw was an overweight girl unable to life her weight on to a small pole. F* that shit. People and their ego feeding attempt at feeling "good."

While on the topic,

I recall seeing an ad once on the skytrain when I was younger.

It showed a caption reading, "That black man is very articulate," followed by, "racism, stop it in its tracks."

I just thought, "There goes another person trying to declare how 'good' they are." If it were me, I would still describe him as a black man. Why? Because that's what he is! The only reason it's bad is if the person receiving it has a secret negative attitude towards blacks. For example, when I say it, I don't mean it in a way where I'm subjecting him towards a different standard when rating him on his ability to speak or what not. Like, "Wow, he's pretty good for a black person." No, I just mean he's black and there's no reason to feel afraid to say that he is. A person that's secretly racist will think, "That's so mean, why do you have to state the fact that he's black and yet still good at English?!" Um, no I wasn't thinking that. You were.

Formal Dress

The chosen formal dress for Anna's formal dinner & dance grad for nursing.

I didn't want to spend any money for a gown dress which is about 200$+...

So I pulled out an old dress I wore to a friend's prom (which is decades ago!! haha) and altered it a bit, making it low cut for a more mature style. Bb offered to buy one for me but too cheap to even spend his money. hahah There's some minor flaws with it, but whatever. The bottom drapes on the floor behind.


Now what to do with my hair?

Hmm.

My hair has grown back after the time I cut it to the shortest that I had it for years. It grows quite fast but after I cut it, I realized how "off" I felt without long hair.


Republic.

Me & some of the close gfs

Yes, I wore my hot pink (it's not actually red) dress! The difficulty with this dress is that it's so bright that you can't wear it again without people noticing. It's only my second time wearing it and I already feel as if I wore it too many times which is bad cause I love that dress! Well, whatever, prepare to see it more.

Stupid Girl:

We saw one girl that was so drunk that she fell straight down. She was clearly drunk beyond the point where she can even have fun anymore.

Well, then that stupid girl steps on my foot with her heel at full pressure causing her heel to scrape deeply down my foot with all her weight on it. Needless to say, it was bleeding (I will post a better picture perhaps later). I shoved the girl off just as a reflex and her friend wanders over to help her. She says casually, "Oh, I'm so sorry! She's drunk! :)" This was the same girl that left her standing by herself when she couldn't. I didn't accept it... I would accept that type of apology if she had just bumped into me by mistake... But my foot is BLEEDING! I continued frowning, then saying outloud while she went off to the side, "But YOU'RE not drunk right? So why the f* are you letting her stay. YOU should be able to think right!?" Is it not true though? I don't blame your friend, I blame you. If you keep her in the club like that then clearly you're standing behind the fact that you think she's okay enough. I'm not talking about being buzzed and having fun. She was WASTED. I hate how people think everything can be excused with alcohol. I'm usually easy going but some people are just ridiculous. If she had at least said, I'm so sorry, she's so drunk... I'm taking her home right now. That's okay... But she just said a very emphasized apology with a happy attitude then watched from the side as I tried to clean the blood of my foot. Er...

The security saw and kicked them out though... So that was good. Don't let their selfish selves try to ruin other people's night.

Yeah, I know. I get realllyyyyyy pissed off when people "get in my way" and hinder my life in any way with only a bad excuse to offer.

Fairy Tales

In our youth, we are taught to believe of such innocence and beauty in this world: Sugar coated words and promises, fairy tales of endless joy and happy endings. "We are special, miracles are for those who are special, thus we will be granted with one true happiness, if not many." If something should occur that does not fit in our ideal world, we begin the prcoess of blinding our souls - We no longer identify ourselves as a part of this world, but find ourselves peering in while by our lonesome. We are unable to understand, yet the torture of lonelieness has us pretending we do simply so that we may return within the company of others once again. We begin to forget the meaning of a smile but continue to stand by it. We forget to live and attempt to merely survive....


I can't help but to wonder why parents fill kids with such wonderous expectations of this world. Perhaps they aim to fill us with as much as they can so that we may have a little more than the next person and thus, will be safe from the hands of bitterness a little longer as we believe a little harder. However, this only makes a person fall twice as hard and feel twice as alone. It's rare to find a life that tells like a fairy tale, one which fits in a 10 page book equipped with adored images that has never been touched with a shade of gray. In reality, many of the people who are beautiful are ugly within and many images fail to speculate of the complexity within.

Which brings me to the reasoning behind the design of my page. It was to emphasize the irony that greets us early on and also to write of my own stories and thoughts while in the working progress towards my own happy ending like those that exist in fairy tales... Though it seems nothing like one so far, is it not possible for it to end in one still?

...

Psst... So FYI, it's not because I think of myself to be a princess! *pukes a little*

IT IS SO HOT!!


I can't even get myself to do much... I'm just sitting here with my head pounding while sweating so much.

Which reminds me,

Danny: Hey, you smell good!

me: Huh? Oh thanks, that's my deodorant.

Danny: ...So I'm smelling your armpits right now?

me: ...Yep.

Danny: ...Sweeeeet!

I went to a small last minute BBQ last night with Lily... Seriously, the only thing that can encourage me to go out in this heat seems to be food.

Michelle's overpacked fridge, wtf.

And while I remember, I came across this photo of michelle trying to work my sewing machine.

michelle: "WTF is this?! I've never seen a sewing machine that small!!"

me: "Isn't it cute?!?"

michelle: "It's a sewing machine, it's not SUPPOSE to look cute!"

And then there's this:

Us out for a quick lunch from before. She's smiling like that cause...
We ordered the same thing... Yet they gave me a fork and spoon rather than just chopsticks. WTF do I look that white-washed?!

People always say things like, "One day they'll mess with the wrong people." Well, why can't "you" be that wrong person? Is it because you're suppose to be "too good?" The way I see it, if you're secretly thinking that they'll get what's coming to them and wishing for it to come sooner, you most likely do not have the heart that you think you do. On the contrary, you're probably just as bad, you take delight in other's pain,you believe in revenge... You're just too much of a coward to do it yourself. Just because one doesn't do it in act does not mean they're good hearted, it could just mean that they're bad hearted whilst also a coward.

Don't try to make yourself feel better with reassurance that you're just too good of a person and then wait in the dark til something happens.

I don't believe in revenge that takes more time out of your life. Why turn around and chase that person down to show them how much you hate them when it only makes you be around them even more? However, I do believe in getting a person out of your way. By this I mean any time someone tries to harm or disrespect me and prevent me from living my life, I respond during that immediate act.

I already have so many other things keeping me from life already. I have no patience.

Food!

I came back on the ferry yesterday...
And my nausea had been BAD. Particularly off motion sickness, more from cars than the ferry though.

On top of that, my appetite has been HUGE. Once I feel hungry, I have about 10 minutes to feed myself or else the nausea worsens, my body weakens dramatically and I feel so moody I want to cry... Okay, I actually did cry once cause I was hungry and had to wait a couple HOURS which made me feel hunger pains already. I threw up twice off the ferry ride. :(


BUT b was sooo sweet. He knows how much I like to eat so he took me to the buffet on the ferry! It was double the price than than the already overpriced cafe that was overcrowded and lacked taste and variety. I was sooo happy. I couldn't stop smiling while I stared at all the choices!

If only my stomach was as big as my appetite.

I still wanted to eat but stomach felt full after the 3rd serving. :(

Don't look at my stomach, it's sticking out. hahah =X

Gravol is Hardcore

After eating last night, I felt another nausea episode (which I still don't know the cause for). I decided to take a gravol in fear of throwing up the food I just ate. I found some gravol in the drawer but they weren't the ones I usually take (above). These ones were slimmer, longer and had 2 coats of color. There was no area for me to break it in half like the normal ones I usually take, so I just threw the whole thing down. Not very smart.

Maybe I should mention that on half doses of the regular one, I hallucinate. I see flashes of light lighting up a room. I haven't taken one for so long so I just thought, whatever, it'll be fine.

16 hours later I wake up from passing out, extremely drowsy, dizzy, weak, loss of muscle coordination, inability to speak with ease, and it took me a while to realize what was going on. I didn't hallucinate, but that's probably because I was passed out with the drug while at it's strongest. I felt a sharp pain in my lower back as well and tingly throughout. Basically, I was extremely high.

I recall waking up several times thirsty, walking to the washroom, seeing the door but for some reason walking right into it regardless. That was the first indication that something was wrong but I didn't know what it was.

At one point I looked on the container and had someone read the container for me (cause I was extremely dizzy!) and it read: 12 hour lasting effect!

To which I said, "whhut the crup! 12 ow-er my S! It's ben like 16 fruggen ow-er..."

Somehow though, I woke up instinctly at the times I needed to feed my cat medicine, vitamins, water and food, then crawled my way back to bed and passed out. My boyfriend came to check on me and said I was sleeping like this:




Well, now I'm wide awake at 6 in the morning, unable to sleep.
Thanks gravol... For all your help treating my nausea... By knocking me out for 16 hours and making me high enough to forget about it.


In other news, I'm returning to Van tomorrow.