I've 144 published posts within my blog
I have 100 unpublished, hiding in drafts.

I'll randomly post them, as old as they are:


I crave for that melody... free of words, whose profound rhythm echos deep enough within me to find those lost threads my soul once held that kept me whole.

That night, I felt the motivation drain from me. That pinch of motivation that kept me comfort, that willed me to disillusion myself from all the frowns upon me, that aimed to protect me so that I may still crawl after my dreams. It slipped away from me as if it were never there to begin with. With it, went the promise that my soul will no longer feel empty one day, that it will no longer have to devour its own tears for fuel to keep myself going. Rather, that those tears would have led to something more concrete other than a vicious cycle that kept me going enough simply to fail again and again. That night I sat there, wondering why I still remained when I felt as even my soul had abandoned me - The passion and strength was gone.

It was the day of birthday celebrations yesterday.
I was exhausted even before we left.

We arrived extremely late (when dinner was almost over because bb ran late), got introduced, sat down amongst those that work under him (so we had to watch ourselves and act professional and mature -____-), said happy birthday to her, ordered, ate within 30 minutes, left to return back to the apartment where some friends were coming from Vancouver... Ate cake for HIS birthday, chilled a bit, went to meet up with the others again at the club, took a shot with the birthday girl, got really buzzed, got some take out, went back home and crashed.

Then the next day, meaning today, I was so tired that I feel sick, had to miss seeing transformers with EVERYONE. :( But at least I'm near midnite :).


Birthday girl


I'm starting to lower my head cause I was a bit drunk ......

-____- Again






If pictures didn't need flash, I think I would prefer the outcome. I find flash usually changes what people see, in other words, the more realistic view.

I'm quiet in speech but loud in thought.

...But when I do voice an opinion, I will take you down with it.

I'm usually perceived as the unemotional girl who doesn't care. I let others live their life but I get pissed off when they try to get in the way of mine. I dislike drama and have no respect for those who cause it through a lack of respect for others. Life already bestows so much unavoided problems upon us, I see people who run around causing problems as extremely selfish and immature.

Don't ever assume you know what I'm thinking, don't ever assume you know me upon seeing me, you won't. If you could have reached the height of my thoughts, you wouldn't have blatantly disrespected me in the first place.

Our fridge looks like a bakery store.
Cake, pies, cupcakes and we had just finished off the other cake.

Is it just me or does this one not look like white sprinkled poop on a cupcake.

Self-Made gift

The handmade card, the butterfly is 2-d.

Inside, 3d pop out of butterflies over a blooming flower

The vinelike background was made by painting over tissue-like paper with black and green and then repeatedly pasting it in there. Took soo long. -____-

The written portion was hidden in a pocket on the front cover

(don't try to read what I wrote, I blurred it... But fyi, it was super sweet hahaha)

The back, the image is related to one of the gifts...

This one :) (the two faces are the same ones on the pillowcases). Two pillowcases that I sewed an image out on. They actually had this type of thing for sale but it was 50$ (excluding the pillows) and was merely printed onto the fabric.

(that's just a loose dark thread)

Yes, I'm shown as an angel hahaha

It was to represent how I was still with him even when he had to fly to China for a week on business. Yah, I know, I'm so sweet. lol jj

I also made him this chinese paper dragon (cause he loves dragons). It was recommended to use matte photo paper but I think that was NOT a good recommendation, folding creases it and causes white areas to appear.

Cake surprise

A View Worth Seeing






T: "My muscles are aching really bad again, I hate it." K: "I like having sore muscles." T: "Why would anybody want that?" K: "...Because it feels real good when you stretch. I just lie in bed and stretch with all my might."

Instead of arguing with the differences in situation, I remained quiet and when I got home I laid on my bed and stretched with all my might...

And it did feel good.

What doesn't kill me... Can still hurt like hell.


Then & Now

Sometimes I view my younger self almost as if it were a younger sister, one that has it's own personality, but like family shares similarities that bonds an undeniable connection to me. I find it difficult to look back and feel that there is enough in "her" to say that she is me. It's ridiculous to say that since if I were not the way I was, I would not be able to grow to who I now am. But it is the part of me that has grown to this day that is angry for what the rest of me had to endure when it was not present.

When I look back I see a girl who was so considerate that she thought of others in fairness despite her pain yet was bullied, disrespected, talked over and laughed at... You know how pissed off that makes me? I feel so much pain looking at that girl. She never said a thing to others, never took revenge and yet was continuously pushed and thought of to be weak. Even to this day I agree with the actions she took. Someone that was so young did the right thing while others much older acted like disrespectful, selfish fools? She read through actions and not words. She saw many try to manipulate the situation to rid themselves of guilt and still get what they want. She was strong in her own way, but not enough. I remember seeing her hair drop til bald spots emerged, I remember seeing her crying alone with only nightmares as her company and I remember her trying her best to stand up for herself alone.

Well, I'm here now
...And I'm pissed.

Run, run, run, fall.

What's happened to my thought infested posts?

My lack of insightful posts have been replaced by ones of great simplicity, well, at least to me. It was my way of appreciating things for what it is and not what it could be... Afterall, my mind seems to never be satisfied; constantly changing, concluding and reaching for more than it can handle. Ironically, it was my search for peace of mind that led me to feel the very opposite... My thoughts had begun to consume me. After an attempt of altering my outlook, I return, unsuccessful at blinding myself from the truth. That is, the heavy emptyness that has buried me beneath... Is there anything out there for me that can offer me more than just disappointment in the aftermath?

Perhaps it's just my insistance on having eternal perfection that leaves me in such misery afterward.

There are three things I want for the future that I find fundamentally important: A defined accomplishment, a passionate and loving relationship, and, character reeking of a justified confidence. The following I want not just for the future but for the present as well. I'd like to feel that everything others invested in me was not wasted. Moreover, I'd like every being I thought of in high esteem and welcomed in my life to experience whatever happiness I can offer them. As lame as it sounds, I truly want them to feel how deserving and great they are and thus, I want to be able to spoil them until it makes them pause and ponder the question of "why them?"

So far I have been lacking in every aspect as I feel my life crumble into mundane days of numbing laughter and smiles that do not hold it's weight. It's nothingness that surrounds me. Needless to be said, my health has the most influence on my life. Initially I had struggled to find the perfect balance for my health condition. It's not as easy as it sounds as it required the constant internal struggle to rid the unexplained negative feelings it bestowed upon me as well as the ones I left for myself. Next, was the attempt to find how much I can do without making my symptoms worse. After that, I had to return to trying to soothe my "validated" emotions from falling since it was basically asking me to do next to nothing. After many, many years, I seem to be able to shake the nightmares quite successfully, battle the unexplained negative moods and watch my symptoms to know when more rest was needed. But where has my confidence and motivation gone to push for more?! My dreams of goals, my restlessness for life? It feels as if I mentally medicated myself to such a degree that I can manage to sustain but not to live.

With all those aside now, I have no reason for my low mood except for my failures before me.

The other day while cooking and I accidentally burned myself on a 425 degree pan when trying to keep it away from someone else. I didn't cry, I didn't drop the food. I just put cold water on it.

I looked at one of them and said, "I burned myself cooking," to which they replied, "Oh really?" and continued watching TV. I got upset and asked if that was their only response. They say to me, "Well, I'm not a doctor, what do you want me to do?" I then realized how useless my days were. A days end resulted in a scar that only I constantly see while it's forgotten by others.

This only translates to, "you're losing more than you're gaining."