We're exposed to opportunities everyday to further our skills and abilities at even the most mundane tasks. We pick up on things, we learn and we become quicker and better at doing things we once found difficult.

Thus, from the basics to the difficult tasks, we learn. It's in our nature to do so...

The question is, however, how many realize the opportunities to learn and how much time does one require in order to learn. The faster one learns, the more time one has to work on perfecting it and less on the basics... It transforms it from an ability to a skill.

The sky was a growing blue, the color of reassurance as it promised of a new day. The birds had yet to start chirping and all that could be heard was the echo of my freedom as my feet stomped about and peace of mind screamed before me. The air, fresh, whilst carrying the scent of newborn flowers and showered blades of grass with it. It was the only time of day I would feel safe while tucked away from the judging eyes of human kind.

I could hear whispers of immortality surround me, for no matter what I had endured the previous day, I felt as if peace of mind was always still there for me soon after... No matter what happened it would be okay. The sky had told me so.

But it wasn't as I had remembered on this particular day. I was in a world where deceit was strong, even from ones that we knew so dear. They chased us... Seeking to have us killed. So we ran and we ran underneath the comforting blue that had once promised me such wonderous things... And just before I awoke, I cried into the skies, unable to understand, "Why does it still hurt?" I feared my reason for reassurance was to be taken from me... But it was in this moment when I realized that I was no longer referring to the blue that stood above my head, but rather, the one who ran beside me.

Nice does not equate to Good-hearted

A lot of people use the word, "nice" when describing someone as if it makes them a good person. My opinion? I don't care if someone is nice, it doesn't mean they have high morales. On the contrary, nice could just be another way of saying deceitful when describing certain individuals.

Simply put, there's a fine line between just keeping it polite and using it to deceive others so one can do harm and still feel like they are decent beings.

I don't mind if someone is fake to protect themselves just to keep things light (polite), but I hate it when someone tries to reach over and harm you while acting nice to try to fool you.  When confrontation occurs, that's the first thing they say in defence, "But I'm nice!"  That's like me budging in front of someone in a line with a polite smile and saying excuse me while expecting the fact that I'm being nice about it to justify what I'm doing.

Our place is filled with junk food:

But I don't like touching any of them! Except perhaps, orange crush every now and then... Which I realized afterward that that is what my mom likes to drink too! Otherwise, it's usually just water. I never touch the ice cream, all the sugar in the cupboards makes me feel disgusted, and the only cereal I touch is those healthy kind!

I don't even like snacking, I like whole meals:

Have I become boring?

---

Another day at the lake:

Doesn't that look like a little isolated island?

How many animals can say they've been on a dock (well, other than dogs). :P

Someone came walking by with a dog so we picked up midnite. The dog starts trying to smell her and begins barking at her while midnite merely stared down, swinging her tail casually without even tensing a muscle. The owner was impressed and said, "Wow, I have never seen a cat so calm in the presence of a dog."

 "Yeah, she takes after her owner, bitches don't faze her."

hahaha, jj :P

Me and bb ...And yes, I'm wearing a winter jacket... I'm old remember. Still cold for me.

The days of growing up...

Are not over?

Spontaneous Ramblings
If you can't remember, this is NOT a recent picture of me. Though it's not extremely old or anything, I just do not have the skin, mood or even the motivation to look like anything other than a tired and crazed girl.

The other day, I took Midnite to the lake again. As I was standing on the pathway, this man in about his late 20's comes along to access his boat. Startled, I turned around and made eye contact with him. He responds by saying hi to be polite, just as something flew into my face and I smacked myself in the face thinking it was a bug as he watched unsure of what just happened. He hurried away after.

Later on, I placed midnite on the steps and began bending over her to take pictures of her from the front. I couldn't see so I was just guessing and obviously didn't always get her in them. Thus, I took quite a number of pictures... When I stood up straight again, I saw a woman on the top near the gym starring at me as if I was mental. I'm not even being sarcastic. She grabs her stuff and goes inside and locks it. She thought I was taking pictures of my pants or the stairs and looking extremely happy while doing so. The big, red bump on my face didn't help either... Oh yeah, apparently it WAS a bug that hit my face.

As I was leaving the apartment today, I see my neighbour two doors away leaving too. He turns around, sees me and begins picking up his pace. He turns for the elevator, waits a couple seconds and decides to walk to the end of the hall to take the stairs instead even though the elevators here are fast... Just to avoid being in the same one as me.

Sometimes I feel relieved that I'm small and can pass as a teenager at times cause then they don't expect much from me. They'll just think, oh, she's just a young girl that doesn't have any friends, give her a break... Instead of, wtf is that woman doing? No wonder only a cat is willing to go anywhere with her. I guess these weren't one of those times.

Maybe I just look really scary lately... The other day, I jumped in front of my bb and asked him if he knows where my red birth mark is just as a test. He secretly tries to study my face to find it (fyi, it's not even ON my face!) He points to my pimple scar and says "HERE!" Obviously, I was not too impressed, so he pretends he was joking, looks again and goes, "HERE!" and points to a rash on my face. sitenote: he's okay, I didn't hurt him that bad. That's how sweet I am. And in case you're wondering, it's on my finger and looks like a dim sum bun mark.





I've also been kissing midnite so much to comfort her that I got an allergic reaction and my skin started stinging and became red and dry and my eye got infected (but it's worth it. :)

So there you have it, odd marks and swellings on my face, each with it's own story.

Sometimes I wonder why my bb still thinks I look so "beautiful" as he says. I even wear lame pj's that are not sexy at all... One of my most worn ones has ultraman on it.

I can't sleep naked or even wear shorts to bed cause I get arthritis. So I wear pants WITH my long gowns. Seriously, even grannies wear less clothes than me to bed.

One time I opened the door for my friend in my pjs and he burst out laughing after realizing it was me and he said: "OMGOSH YOU LOOK LIKE A FOB. CAN'T YOU AT LEAST BUY SOME CUTE PJS IF YOU'RE GONNA DRESS LIKE A KID?!"

(maybe one day, I'll show you my collection of mismatched pjs.)

And it doesn't help that I don't act like the sweetest girl. Sometimes when I'm sleeping next to my bb and I get cold still despite my layered on pjs and heavy blanket, I will roll over, grab his arm while half dazed and pull him over to cover me. And apparently when I get too hot, I will turn around push him away and smack him in the face. Sometimes in the morning, if I wake up half dazed and he's starring at me (you know in that "i love you" sort of way), I will immediately respond by hitting him in the face and turning the other way and going back to bed. He use to respond by saying wth!! In which I apparenly yell back, "Shut up! You're so noisy!!"

And then there's also my nightmares I get at night...

I use to punch the wall when having them... Guess what I hit now ?

Midnite is feeling better :')
we still need to get her teeth done soon.

I took midnite to the lake at our apartment:



Midnite witnessing the masterpiece of nature





She watched the little boat go by



She watched the many seagulls swoop into the lake and fight



She did some bench posing



She smelled some flowers



Then we went home where she pulled her "sophisticated" pose... She actually took it to another level and pulled her arms farther than I've seen her do yet! :)!



Her fur is even softer and shinier than before!! And it was already impressive before as it was! And her injected fluids and shots have dissolved into her now... No more carrying bags of stuff on her!

I love her so much :')



Don't worry Kinju, I love you too :')

May 19 / Sleepless.

I am so worried and upset.

My baby stays up with me when I'm up. She sleeps when I sleep and watches when I wake up to join me. She sleeps with me every night and knows to go to the litter box before going to sleep in my room so as to not to wake me. She rings the bell on her collar to let me know she's outside and if I don't open it, she waits outside patiently, sleeping on the floor until I do. She checks up on me occasionally when she doesn't see me and cries when I'm not there. She holds on to me reassuringly when I take her to new places, hides when she doesn't see my face when unsure and becomes happy and speaks to greet me when she does. She sleeps with her back to me all the time but never to others. I realized it was in her instinct to be alert to the surroundings which means she trusts me to not have to and to know that I will watch her back. She carries a little monkey toy that she had since she was a little girl that I got for her. When I'm not there she will carry it in her mouth and begin calling for me. She likes to follow me to places like the washroom or hide under the sheets with me cause she feels safe in the small places with me. She likes it when I talk to her. She tries to be outgoing to me even when she's not feeling well. Nobody in my family gives her much attention. They always favored the smaller one and though he is also unique and of course loving as well, I just didn't understand why nobody saw it in her.

One time I had left her home for 2 days to return and find her extremely fatigued and weak. Nobody had watched her well enough. I nursed her back to health and that's when I decided that she always had to be with me. Not just for her, but for me as well.

During one of the nights in the other apartment, she had forgotten to go to the litter box. I woke up feeling a gentle tap to my arm. It continued as if uncertain of the outcome. I pulled off my sleeping eye shades to find her sitting in front of me, head lowered, face forward with big cautioned eyes as she opened her mouth to say meow in the most timid way. She had to go to the litter box but was scared I'd get mad.

I feel a lot of hatred towards myself... For not seeing the importance and absorbing enough knowledge of a cat's health. In a big way, I wanted to protect myself from worries. It was a lose-lose situation because either way I would have to confront it and the problems would only get worse.

I watch her now as she comes to me with shaky legs, an extremely skinny and frail body and still lies next to me to purr. I recall always being sensitive about her weight for her before this. I took offence when people said she was big, because she wasn't. It was due to her spaying surgery that affected her metabolism and body proportion. I assumed she cared but now, all I can think about is how beautiful she looked when she had more weight. To her, I can only care. To me, I have failed to and had selfishly put myself first before to protect myself with denial.


We both like places where we can cut off the world and make it feel as if it's our own. With others, I always feel like they will suddenly leave me... But even when she's sick she tries to show me that she's still here for me.

I just brought Midnite in to the vet clinic near here. The doctor was much more thorough in checking her. He even said, "what? The hospital didn't weigh her or check her blood?" In other words, so what was the 63$ for? They couldn't even compare weight or see if there was some else wrong with her because of that.

So basically we wasted 100$ there and made her worse.

We got her fluid injections so that she's hydrated. She still has a fever which the doctor found odd, since when you're dehydrated your temperature normally will go down... Which means if she were hydrated it would be a higher fever so something is really going on in her. :(

But since we don't know what it is, we have to do things one by one.

First, treat her gum infection... This time they administered her antibiotics through a shot. It lasts 2 weeks and she shouldn't have any allergic reactions they said. They also gave her a anti-nausea drug. They said that she should have stopped vomiting long after we stopped the medicine, so they don't know what's going on. :(

When the lady took her from me to do the last shots, Midnite came back crying and lost so much fur. She didnt do that for other shots when I was there. After she wouldn't stop holding on to me... I didn't realize how much I reassured her. :'(

She didn't cry at all on the way home as long as I held on to her.

Poor baby. :(

may 16 / I don't have the mood to write until Midnite is okay again. :(

*edit, she stopped puking! And she started drinking water on her own now! A lot of it!! She started eating as well! Her stomach is no longer bloated and she's getting stronger progressively!! She tries to do more stuff now too!

My friend drew this for me in a sketch which I converted into better quality and posted it for my blog... When I suddenly realized... Wtf? This cat looks like me when I was a kid.


Seriously guys... Seriously.




I am so mad right now.

Since I've been here, I've done more than my share of housework and cooking. Even when the girl got sick, I would go out of my way and make separate meals for her whenever she was hungry. Cleaning is a lot with them... They would carelessly toss things about with little consideration for who's to clean it. For example, knife with peanut butter on it constantly dumped on the counter when the sink is just a few steps away. How lazy are you!? But see, I didn't mind too much cleaning. I mind though, WHEN PEOPLE ARE SO DAMN UNAPPRECIATIVE.

I haven't been feeling well lately as you guys should know. I feel nauseated and weak but I've still got up to make breakfast, pack lunch for HIM and even iron shirt after shirt, vacuum, mop, wash dishes, even pick out clothes for him so he can sleep in a bit longer. I did this all with the thought that it was appreciated, giving the benefit of the doubt. Today, I fell asleep for a short nap (obviously short, I have INSOMNIA), awoke to find that all they left me for dinner was a piece of chicken. They took all the rice and didn't even bother to make me any veggies. Even if I were sleeping, WHY COULDN'T THEY LEAVE IT IN THE FRIDGE SO I CAN JUST HEAT IT UP? I'VE DONE IT FOR THEM SO MANY TIMES, EVEN HEATED IT UP FOR THEM SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO. And do they realistically want me to believe that they thought I'd be asleep the whole night? Because the piece of chicken was left out of the fridge.

What made it worse was having to wash their stupid dishes, INCLUDING THE RICE POT that they left me no rice in, AND they took more than they could eat that I had to throw it away for them!! So selfish.

< insert mad kitty face here. >=( >





may 12

My gosh, you are such a brat!! She thinks the world should stop turning for her when she's upset, but when another is, she acts like they're overeacting like they don't deserve even the smallest amount of courtesy despite all they've done.

She began praising herself ("If that were me, I wouldn't have gotten mad, but that's just me. I'm easy going like that"), when just that very day she cried because the boss told her what to do, "Can you say this on the phone instead cause people arent getting what you mean." She says, "No, I don't want to have to change what I say, that's not me! If I had to, I wouldn't be happy with this job!" The next day he comes in, apologizes and buys her a booster juice.

I shit you not.

Keep in mind, the first time she blew up on him (for telling her what to do and making her feel UNAPPRECIATED), she insulted him, dissed him and still got her job back later on. Yet, she still continues to cry in front of him instead of telling him maturely when she's unhappy... Which is pretty much with anything he changes with her. Sooo what? When you feel unappreciated it's validated but mine is not? She complains of doing more than she needs to just for the sake of doing it and he doesn't acknowledge due to his inconsiderate actions!! Well, same as well me! Except she's so unreasonable now, she will cry about anything things so easily instead of just listening.

Oh, and btw... I had the same job as her with the same boss.

I've done so much extra shit for her and she's so damn inconsiderate and hypocritical and always friggen praising herself!!

"It's okay to have a kid's body (referring to mine), I would rather have that than big boobs. I hate my big boobs!"

-_____- Sigh. What to do with people like that?

The Power of Eyebrows

Eyebrows is what frames the face and can make a huge difference on people by strengthening or softening your features.

Well, especially for me, it makes a world of difference! I can look older or younger depending on how dark I choose to fill in my eyebrows. Of course the way I pose for pictures or smile also contributes to how old I look... And people have also said that I've changed, meaning I've become more mature so I guess actual maturation also does add to it as well. :P

BUT a large part of it is due to my eyebrows! 

Light eyebrows vs darkened eyebrows (I wasn't naked, I was wearing a strapless dress!)

Light eyebrows with dark eyeshadow (just to show it's not as much due to the eyeshadow as you would think!) vs light eyebrows with light makeup

Light eyebrows vs dark eyebrows with higher arch

Granted this is an older photo but it still shows my point :P And don't mind my gross smile, my lip disappeared from smiling too hard hahah

Super light AND thin eyebrows vs fuller and darkened eyebrows.

The general idea is that thinner eyebrows make a person look older whereas thicker make a person look younger.

I feel...

Ugly
Stupid
Useless
Lost
Purposeless
Alone
Forgotten
Unmotivated
Troubled
Weak
Guilty
Bothered
Nervous

...Depressed.

I'm trying to distract myself until it rides over... I learned the hard way that thinking while depressed, especially depressions that are not mentally triggered, only forces you to fall deeper in it. How can you use your mind to overcome it when it has control of your mind?

It's never about what you went through, only what you feel and how you came out as.

May05 / It's faded :)

---

May 04 - Northern Lights



While others have set their destinations to Las Vegas, Miami or Mexico, I have mine set on seeing the Northern Lights. When I was a kid I use to sit on my rooftop gazing up at the stars. I found them to be so quiet yet alive as they glittered before me. I'd imagine that that was what peace of mind must feel like.

If only one day I could train my mind to shine with such brilliance while still possessing such serenity that it soothes even those that stand nearby.

When I learned of the northern lights, I thought, "If stars can leave me in such amazement... What can this do?!" I just want to lie under it and feel the security in my thoughts again.

Maybe one day...

---

I miss my friends







Even though I'm so near them, I hardly see them anymore.
Sad. :( FYI, by friends I don't mean that dude... I actually have no idea who he is. He just jumped in the picture with us and we started taking several random shots with him hahahah What can I say? I love easy going and fun people :P




If you didn't know, my sister does nails and makeup... Though I don't get her to do my makeup or nails, she does provide me with discounts to professional brand makeup and nail polish! Ones that are 10$, she gets for $3! Blush that is high quality, with 3 colors, for 4$!! It's like being in a candy store! Anyway, I asked her to get me more pastel, warm, beige tone colors... And then I realized... That is the only color I really wear other than clear!



But I think it's a sophisticated and elegant color. So what if I'm boring. :(

May 02 - 5:11pm

Struggling with depression again.

After the flus, colds, infections have taken its toll on my body, I find my mood dropping drastically again, spontaneously. I guess there isn't enough energy left to sustain my mood again. It's frustrating... I find myself starring away not realizing that I'm sitting there til a while goes by.

I had a dream today that I died with a bunch of others. I was shot numerous times and then one final time that killed me. I got up and saw myself amongst other souls... Some innocent, some not. But the thing that got me was that it didn't matter whether they were good or bad. We all ended up with the same destiny. We weren't allowed to go beyond a certain area from our deaths... There were "guards" that would appear to tell you to go back and if you continue, your soul will die.

I realized that it was because we are only alive through our own memory of ourselves and that venturing beyond what we will know will destroy us. It made sense when you think about why hauntings remain in the same place or why spirits see what they remember and not what really is now. But that thought is just... Sad.

Spending my night hanging out with Michelle yesterday made me realize how crucial and valuable memories are becoming. It's as if when we're young, memories occur everyday, every moment, that its abundance leave us somewhat spoiled and unappreciative. Now it's sort of withered into a every other month sort of thing... If even.


"When I first saw Michelle, I thought she was a witch. She wore all black and had on only black eyeliner."

"When I first saw Tina, she was wearing baggy overalls with a tiny back pack that she couldn't fit sh*t in. She'll hold all her books and binder in her arms and use the bag to carry a pencil."

Wait, wtf, I still do that to this day and age and Michelle still always wears black hahahah