5:10am

I just awoke from a dream... Though it feels quite odd to call it that.
It seems more accurate to call it a memory, a reminiscence brought on by my soul, reminding my conscious of what it very well means to be me. Mind you, not everything was represented as it was though.

I was walking back from school, taking in the sights as I do every week day. I can't tell you with certainty what age I was at, if I were still in my older elementary days or younger high school years. Though it should not ought matter. The intellect I had at those years was hardly differentiable. To me I was young through a lack of wisdom and that tells more than the number of an age.

During the walks alone, I would try to absorb myself with thoughts to detach myself from feeling as if I hardly existed in the eyes of human kind. I was a quiet girl in truth. Despite how loud I spoke or laughed in front of friends, I would never describe it as natural... For when silence came, I would hear the echo of my own sound playing back in my head... Almost like I did have not have enough in me to carry such an act of confidence that it bounced off aimlessly within me, unable to find a place to settle: I was not strong enough to believe in my own words or even my own laughter.

So my theory was simple, delude or distract myself in thoughts and I will find a sense of existent through that than having to rely on it through the opinions of others.

The heat from the sky reflected off the pavement, returning a heavy smell of what I could only describe as sweat descending from the cement.

My focus became drawned to the pavement and I deemed it to be the less fortunate one. The winds manage to miss it constantly while on its journey through the day. It would tickle the leaves of a tree, kiss to soothe the skin of a human, even pay a visit to the blades of grass that peeked from the ground. But the pavement? It was made to make lives easier for people, but did not truthfully have a place in this world that allowed it to feel accepted. Even dirt was shown welcomed by the rain.

Everyday, people would march forth upon it. Minds heavy with their own self, eyes starring upon it but constantly missing it. It never does get stronger with time, only weaker as it cracks and crumbles from daily abuse. Yet nobody cares, at least ever enough, at what it has ever offered nor done for them... Which was particularly why I noticed it.

"I'm not too much different from this paved cement am I," I thought.

I suddenly took notice of a gathering of people on the street across from where I walked. They stood there, busy with friends and as I saw them, my mind went empty of thought. There was one I particularly liked, my heart pounded as my attention became fixated on him. It was one of my better days where I felt more confident than I usually would be... Ironically, being suddenly absent of thought helped.

I wore a casual outfit, but I wore it with sudden pride because I discovered that it was similar to his style that he wore that day. I was borrowing his confidence at that point. Capri jeans and a dress shirt and tie. Who but the confident would be able to pull that off? Which was exactly my point, who BUT the confident could pull that off.

I smiled at him shyly as he returned a half grin, a weak wave, raised eyebrows and a scoff. I was able to clearly see his opinion of me, that he thought I was nothing and was pestered by all this nothingness that begs for his attention... I was most certainly not the only girl who crushed madly on him.

I was almost home. Another half block.

During the walk home, a lot had gone through my head. I was annoyed actually for the most part. That something like him would look down on me when there was nothing that made him better in terms of talent or what not. He was only blessed with confidence that made him more noticeable. It disturbs me to think that the only thing making some people who they are, is our acceptance that they are that great and nothing more. Is confidence that superficial that it merely attaches itself to just anybody without reason?  I was disgusted that something like him thought he was more than me and that I allowed him to think so. Some would say I had the confidence to see that, I, on the other hand, say it was intellect.



As I got closer to my house, I saw it in darkness for that was where my emotions were able to release themselves. But I stopped at this point and decided not to return.


I am not looking for fame or popularity...

What I want, is that even if one should not know me nor my past, they can still sense that I do stand for something and it is not a reflection of a fleeting confidence that most carry.

One may forget that even cement can be sculpted to be symbol of something great, created to be something that is remembered.


Basically, what I'm trying to say is...
I don't want to be a nobody.

I'm sure most of you have heard about the Chris Brown hitting Rihanna incident. If not, google it or something if you want cause this post isn't about explaining it or what not.

There were a lot of nonsense and crazy rumors/assumptions being thrown around about what went down. I find it funny how the media and everyone tries to blow something up to entertain themselves. I'm not saying it's not horrible that he hit her... But http://perezhilton.com/2009-02-11-chris-brown-to-rihanna-im-going-to-kill-you it was this particular part that annoyed me:

Rihanna was in such bad shape when police arrived, the officers decided not to take any chances and drove her straight to the hospital instead of taking the time to wait for an ambulance.

Give me a fucken break. How much more are they going to do to make it seem like it was dramatic enough that she was near death. Shiiiiittttt. They probably just wanted to spend more time with her. So many others have it like that or worse, yet with celebrities it's almost like they're the kings and queens of the world and anything that happens to them is 10x worse than when it is with us.


Remember that quote I so strongly despised?

"Cry and you cry alone, smile and the world smiles with you"... It's a basic translation saying, "The world is not going to stop because you're sad."

Well, it does for them.

I think CB is such a piece of crap for doing what he did, but at the same time, it annoys me how people seem to apply "morale" views and care selectively.

Keyboard cleaning:





When it's so dirty that air sprays won't work and shaking it upside down can only remove so much. The stuff was STUCK on.


This is what happens when you constantly eat above your keyboard hahaha


Each key is quite a hassle to remove. You have to turn it upside down and squeeze these things to push it out... Not as easy as it sounds. Some keys have this metal bar on it, the big keys really. I was removing it when one of them slid into my finger.


=(

I know, why do I show you this stuff? :P

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9:12pm / I've been struggling with the feeling of depression for the past while again. It seems that every I try something to ease it, I feel even more down because what once made me smile can no longer do so. What happens when your world is stripped of all the purpose you once felt, not through thought, but feeling?

I know I'm suppose to just understand it's no longer a mental thing but that it is dropping with my energy level... But it's hard not to feel what it is you're feeling and to create negative thoughts to explain it.

I'm still trying to shake it... Sometimes you have to act it in order to finally become it. But it doesn't seem to be working so well. I'm not sure what's going on, but I've been having cold sweats today.

I woke up today in the early morn and for a brief while, happiness embraced me. For no reason it choose to wrap its arms around me and allowed me to feel a sense of belonging. Soon, the same reasons that made me sad became the reasons for my happiness. But as soon as it came, it left.

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