"By the time it came to the edge of the forest, the stream had grown up so that it was almost a river, and being grown up, it did not run and jump and sparkle along as it used to do when it was younger, but instead, moved slowly. For it knew now where it was going, and it said to itself, 'There is no hurry. We shall get there some day.' But all the little streams higher up in the forest went this way and that, quickly, eagerly, having so much to find out before it was too late."

(Yah, this is the type of books I read. I kid you not!
Hey, maybe I just don't need as much to provoke my thoughts okay? :P )

Do we hold dreams so that we may conquer them or do we hold them so that we may eventually realize there is more to life than we can manage to capture in one "whimsy" goal?

It just seems to brutal to think the loss of a dream is the end of one's happiness.





If tears were blood: Don't cry yourself to death, just enough to know you're human.


3:41am / So many times at night, I feel undeserving of rest. Subconsciously, I believe I keep myself up...

Too late for yesterday, too tired for today.

I only found out about half a year ago what "emo" meant. I know, I'm behind, but I never really did care for things that didn't have any immediate purpose to me. For those of you who don't know, emo = emotional. Well, a bit more drastic than mere emotional. It's almost like a lifestyle for them. They seem to think it's "cool" to walk around sporting dark nail polish and acting as if they've gone through the most pain any one of us has ever dealt with.

Before I get started on my little story with my encounter of an emo "kid" (I will call him a kid despite his age because his intellect and personality reflects that of a kid's), I'd like to point out one thing: I do not find anyone who is depressed to be emo nor do I find every emo ( or even many at all ) to be depressed. There is hardly any correlation if you ask me. Many people bash on them with only the reasoning that they are annoying. Granted they are, but let me really get into the core reason of why I cannot stand them.

I find that they hardly seem to bother fighting any pain whatsoever. It angers me to see someone who indulges in what they call "pain" for a lifestyle while others who are truly fighting depression are losing the battle. They want us to believe that they really understand the true definition of sadness when in reality, they take quiet pleasure in painting their nails, decorating themselves in black and getting the most ugly hairstyles possible on themselves. Those who are truly depressed, don't even have the motive to do that.

Not only do they not understand the true extent of pain, they're so spoiled by a lack of it that they must try to create what they believe is pain to amuse themselves.



So here is the story of my first encounter with an emo kid:

I was at a friends work dinner party where I was in the hall for the washrooms. He comes out of the washroom talking loudly and right off the bat, you can tell he's a dork. Normally, as you grow older, the term dork and geek is no longer used, at least I don't seem to think that of many people. Those with the same qualities as a "nerd" back then will be deemed as smart and a hard worker. But this guy... He seemed as if he was trying too hard.

He shows us his black nails in which we responded negatively too. He seemed to shake it off so I thought, okay, he's chill enough. I don't care what if he likes to paint his nails as long as he's nice and respectful. He added that he likes to paint his nails black in the winter because he gets depressed during this time. He also added that he would be wearing black eyeliner if he knew how. He asked me again later on whether I liked his nails in black in which I replied, "no, I don't really like it, I'm not a fan of black nails on guys." Why is he asking me if he was doing it because he truly felt depressed anyway? From that point on, he seemed bitter towards me. We made a quick stop at a gas station after dinner in which I got locked in the washroom (but tht's another story). As I got back in the car, I told them that I got locked inside and that the janitor had to let me out. In the midst of my telling them, mr. emo douchebag interrupts and loudly says "DRIVE." You may think it was because he wanted to get going soon, but that wasn't the case. My friend was taking some of them clubbing because they're not from here. We waited an hour for them as they sorted themselves out, including mr emo kid. Then he had to drive them out as snow was falling heavily, if the car should crash, they won't be responsible for any of it. Yet, despite these circumstances, none of them, including the emo retard had any consideration for it.

We get to the parking lot for the club when one of the girls realized she didn't bring a jacket. So I lent her my trench coat and borrowed my friends jacket cause he had a long sleeve. I had to be carried to the pavement though cause he parked in fresh snow and I was wearing open toe sandals with a skirt. As he was carrying me, mr emo kid opens his mouth and says: "WHY... are you carrying her. Can she like... Not walk ... Or something?" Everyone jumped to my defense cause its was understandable ( at least for someone with sufficient amount of intellect to understand why this was necessary). He kept talking as if he was so considerate for others, then we step up to the bouncers and he puts himself FIRST while all the girls are in dresses. As if that weren't enough, he goes, "I don't DO searches." The capitalization marks the emphasizes in his speech. He tries to act all cool as the bouncer tells him to step aside. We finally get in and he questions the ID scan and shit as well. We get in all the way and the first thing he says is, "I CANNOT be here", imagine a dramatic scene with a bomb in the room and him as a private detector that whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. "I cannot FUCKEN be here. I need to LEAVE NOW. DO you understand?" He starts rocking his body back and forth, "We need to leave NOW." When asked why, he had no response, just "I CANNOT FUCKEN BE HERE."

But everyone ignored him lol Everyone had a drink, everyone was just trying to have fun. Then he leaves putting a scene up, nobody stops him. He didn't drive, he didn't have the key. He came back half an hour later covered in snow. This time he tried the I'm so sad, pity me approach. He sat speechless on the stool with his head down. Nobody asked him what's wrong. Normally, I would sympathetize but in this case, he was pissing me off. The bouncer thought he was drunk and tried to kick him out. He didnt bother to say he didn't drink, just like them kick him out with a "sigh, how sad for me" attitude. The older guy had to go save him. So annoying. He was being a fucken attention whore.

Later on I found out that he apparently gets anxiety attacks in those situations. Right, so then why did he choose to come? Apparently he didn't expect the club to be like that. He expected something more laid back and less crowded and loud... You mean a LOUNGE? Seriously though, if you get anxiety attacks in those types of situations, you would take more precaution to avoid placing yourself in such a situation. I would know.

Fuck, emo kids just piss me off. They don't "not" try because they're depressed, but because they want it as a reason to seek attention for the wrong reasons. Thus, they use every little factor that they can, even when it's manageable.

My attempt at a "normal" post; you know one in which there is no actual point to conclude.

t&t upgraded their shopping baskets! Sweet! :P


I look so stout here 0_o




So good.

Tina says: "I don't get it... Why did she eat the doll for?"

Material things may not translate to happiness, but it sure does help as a distractive measure.



I bought another pair of boots as well, my camera (I got the Canon SD880is) and I'm going on my third pair of boots soon. I don't even have anywhere to wear them to, nor have I been going anywhere worth taking pictures for. I just don't want to feel sad...

Though it doesn't always help, sometimes is still better than never in this case.



mango was sent in the mail for me.

Here's a good example of how untrusting I am.
I never really liked getting stuffed animals from people because
a) I find them quite unuseful and not really that cute (except for a selected few)
and b) I for some reason suspect people of sneaking cameras in them so I everytime I look at it in the face, I feel uneasy hahaha

I probably just made you think I'm crazy.






There are many different styles of ethics, being selfish or immoral is not one.
- I said it before and I'll say it again.


Whether you know it or not, I'm taking my first true break ever from school and skipping a semester. I begun to feel so unmotivated seeing how slow my progress was... But suddenly now, I feel as if I'm yearning for it again. I feel safer when I'm around knowledge. I'm not so good with emotions, that's why everytime I feel an abundance of pain, I feel the need to write so I can transform them into factual fragments of thought.=/
Dec.18 2008

I just wish to be for myself right now in what I am entitled to. I'm merely asking for my own care. There is not many who understand the mental knots entangled in my mind with the mixture of my physical weakness that are at a battle with my personality. I have started to feel desperately alone in that no one will take as much precaution as I with the fragile nature of it all. If they were to experience the torturous state of it in full strength for one day, I am certain they were be so scarred as to never forget. But because they do not need to, they continue to walk around spoiled with health and confidence and as if that isn't enough, they open their mouth to criticize what they don't understand whatsoever.

---

I can hear the sound of background music echo in my ears while the chatter of meaningless conversations follow to flood my ears. This is what they deem as happiness, this is what I deem as emptyness. I can feel the warmth of my thoughts leave as uncertainity and weakness take over.

I need to find "my" world.

---

At times I wonder why some people can be so confident, especially when I cannot see what they can be proud of. They cannot argue with reason, do not have substance to their words and lack respect for others. Then I realize that they are confident not because they hold more than others, but because they lack even the wit that grants the acknowledge of what they lack. They lack the intellect to see their own flaws, to understand their inabilities and the need to truly reflect upon themselves to become more.

And you see those who aren't even good looking yet are overconfident, it makes you think how bad they would be if they really were good looking.

No character, no beauty, but a lack of intellect that allows them to miscontrue it all to be truth that's on their side.

:Avoiding those mental mirrors.

---

No such thing as complicated, things are only as complicated as your mind allows for it to be.

---

3:02am :

As the clock ticks down to 12 and the glasses are raised for cheers, I will be standing in the thick of my anxiety and confusion. It's quite ironic actually... For I've always been the one who has difficulty seeing the promise of change the new year has to offer. I see it as a picture filled of wishful thinking... It is in reality a day like every other day, holding the baggage and mess of the days before it. I never quite understood how people will suddenly feel like superman/woman, giving themselves a list of "to do's" they suddenly believe they can conquer. Tomorrow is, in fact, worth no less than today... But people will always continue to want what they don't hold and so they will continue to reach for the days that aren't at their feet. This day, however, will in fact mark a day of change for me. The thoughts boil in my mind, screaming for attention, seeking a conclusion in which I cannot give. But regardless of what I think, I feel forced and without choice. Plucked from that which has always been dear to me, into the hands of which I am not sure whether or not to trust. But in all certainty, they are hands which have yet to understand me to such a depth that allows for me to feel clarity.

At the back of my head, I cannot help but think that I am abandoning those which have stood by me... To help those who have not.

It is really not about you anymore, just me.

Expressive/Reflective:
I feel so empty.

I wake up wondering why every sight seems almost surreal, lacking such depth that one can't help but to feel certain there is nothing beyond the here and now... Nothing seems to hold the value it claims, nothing seems to be worth its weight, everything is but a sad story waiting to be unfold. There is no longer truth that I can grasp, an understanding I can hold, nor a reason I can express. All that is clear is that there is a mistake present: That mistake is me.

---

Opinionated Thought:


7:33pm / Why do girls with implants always act so proud to be demeaned? Moreover, they do half the job themselves. If a guy goes up to a girl with natural breasts and say, "nice boobs," the girl will get offended and most likely slap him. If a guy goes up to a girl with fake breats and says the same thing, she would giggle and smile. Half of them even promote themselves to be known by such a degrading reputation by advertising their breasts and even promoting (not just allowing) demeaning nicknames.