to be continued

---

I'm not even going to get angry, for that'll be wasting even
more time that I could spend searching for what does make me happy.

Verbal apologies are said by those who wish to relieve themselves of guilt so they may enjoy what they're doing with less mental disturbance from their conscience. Thus, sorrys are selfish, extending only as far as the ear can hear, rarely touching upon either soul, the wounded or the wounder... For it is more often than not, used merely as a word, and not as a plan for change.

I feel the thoughts and emotions rewinding themselves within my mind. I cringe... For that is all I know to do. They come as mental hiccups leaving me unable to control or avoid them, but very well able to feel the emotional path of wreckage left behind.

There seems to be no trophy for my victories, nor any distinction between it and my losses.

---

Sept 23 9:00am -

"Do unto others as you wish for them to do unto you.

But what happens when this becomes the start to a never ending wishing process?

This is when my motto becomes more effective:
Do unto others what they continue to do unto you.

Time and time again, it astonishes me how my mind just simply won't shut off. Needless to say, it's preventing me from falling asleep easily nowadays... Or at all. I've now adopted the technique of purposelly starving myself of rest until that moment where I'm so exhausted that my thoughts can't find even a pinch of energy to run on. But the problem is, sometimes this can take an extra 5 hours. I'm just as amazed as you are how my mind keeps having mental hiccups every time I lay to rest.

And the thoughts? They're always negative. Ones that strip me of any peace of mind... Even when I do feel content for the moment being, I suddenly feel a sting of emptyness. It's as though I want more and so I reject that feeling of mild contentment. I know, I'm f*cked.

And forgive me if for some reason, somewhere within this text, I don't make sense.

For I'm severely sleep deprived with aches and sores lurking within me, so even when I do manage to truly sleep, I will be expecting pain upon wakening. Lame. :(

---

Opinionated Thought

People are easily nice when they have what they want. The focus should be to see how low they'll snoop to get what they want when they don't have it. Nice don't impress me, nor do you.

Expressive/Reflective

Is it my subconscious that won't allow me to fall quietly into a life of mundane days? Where my thoughts would travel no farther than my door to return with what I already know and accepted? Though my present days are in no way exciting, it is also not what I can allow myself to settle into and with that, my mind fleets and struggles to find a foundation which it trusts enough to rest upon.  It allows me to at least feel an adventure in my head... But I need more. You now greet me with an offer of safety and comfort, but the soul within me hesitates... I've stood by as I watched you live, the spotlight constantly aimed upon you... It was always when you were ready as I was kept in the dark, attempting to mold the pain into something of greater meaning. Left with only my senses to feel in this darkness, I can't guarantee you that what became of me is as grand as I strived for. My emotions have a mind of its own... And right now, it can't help but to feel confused.


I'm starting to find textbooks of comfort... I rather they teach me than the painful lessons of life... Though, if you really think about it. Life isn't exactly the teachers... We are. They offer the material... But we all guide ourselves to various conclusions. So perhaps, for those who blame life for what they've become, they should blame themselves instead, for they taught themselves wrong and for others, they have not bothered to teach themselves at all.

And I understand... Sometimes the material is so harsh that we may just never understand it.


September 12 / Opinionated Thought
The difference between learning from experience and from textbooks?

You actually LEARN in experience whereas you merely memorize from textbooks. I guess the term is used loosely in school... What do you mean I learned the history as to what happened? Um, no I didn't learn anything, I just memorized what happened.

In case you're wondering, I have not abandoned my blog. I have actually written several posts in the past several weeks that remain filed as drafts. Either l have yet to finish writing them or I am not sure it they even make any sense. In both scenarios,my lack of energy is to blame. I'm still working on finishing those thoughts. Just a heads up =)

---

A post from the pages of Candy's blog:

there's this girl..
she has one of those pictures blog entries..
she writes down what she and her bf does...
their dinners dates.. the gifts they made for each other... and the trips they took together..
she looks so happy in every single pic..
they have fights occasionally..
she complains, she apologizes.. just like any girl would do..
and this is the same girl...
who wrote about how much she still loves her ex just 2 years ago.. (that was the last time I read her page..)
when they recently broke up..

then there's this guy...
who writes about how much he misses his ex..
every day for the past year...
about how much he's suffering..
then how much he still loves her.
then how much he still misses her...
then sometimes how much he hates her..
and yet.. this is the same guy.. who's always around dating and sleeping with different girls...
at least the last time I saw him he was still complaining how he still doesn't have a gf..
and he wa still hitting on random girls...
who would've known that he still misses his ex so much?

I guess that's the difference between man and woman....

when we move on, we've moved on..
and yet for man..

you never know who's in his mind even when you're sleeping right next to him...

End of quote.

I found this simple post to reflect so much truth. But I also think that a girl's intuition can pick it up... Unless an individual can be so conceited that their confidence blinds them. A woman's intuition is a gift.

---

8/27/2008 -

I've been finding it difficult to express my underlying emotions lately, the ones which seem to only exist through complexity. It seems the repetitive state of speaking through my computer has created such a familiarity that this air of comfort has ironically caused my mental reflexes to kick in and urged me to withdraw my deeper thoughts. I've begun to smile through my blog as I tend to do in person. Only I now smile through cheap words and scattered pieces of entertainment.


Before reading further, let me clarify one thing, it is not that I am not happy necessarily, it's simply that I have begun to feel meaningless within upon welcoming this happiness. I've let it push out any other concerns or thoughts that had taken root in me prior to it.

I am just not used to experiencing even this slight bit of happiness ( actually it is slight to you, but great to me - which is a bit sad in a sense ) that I began to not want to invest anymore time in thought... Afterall, it was my sadness that encouraged me to think. But this has only caused me to feel empty still.

I need some middle ground.

---

9/05/2008 -

I guess I don't have to worry about that happy problem anymore.

And on cue as always... Here come the dreams, disrupting my sleep early on which seems to signify incoming depression on its way. The dreams are so mundane, so lacking of progression, so painfully dull that I wake while wanting to scream and cry.

I know I said I wouldn't document any of my dreams anymore... But I feel like I want to get this dream out from inside me... If that makes sense.

The dream was simple but it was the feeling, so thick and heavy, that wore me down. Sitting in the dark amongst others, too empty to even bother to see what they were doing, I passed my camera to you to show a video of you and your friends, living it up, having the time of your lives again. I watched your eyes fixated as a smile soon appeared on your face while you recalled what happened. It was always you and your constant adventures that didn't include me. And when you did join me, we didn't share the thrill you've experienced, we continued my lifeless ways, though that's not to say it was by your choice, though at the same time, it also was. I felt insane, as though I was forbidden to live, for every time there is a chance, I realize, it never was one to begin with. I let out a weak smile that was soon interrupted with the performers of the show asking us to turn the video off. We were in a theatre it turns out, up high in the rows, with the others below. I then noticed one of your enemies sitting one row below us. Disregarding it, I told you I was sleepy but thirsty, so I wandered off where I bumped into old friends. One of them who hated on me but acted in a passive aggressive way towards me. Why am I still here... So near my enemies. I used to have this plan that if I shall ever have any enemies, I will care not about them but achieve a greater life so that I feel far from them despite the distance. But I was still... So near them. She remained behind as I staggered about as if I'm drunk, flinging about a cheap smile as everyone joked and asked if I was drunk. "No, I'm just tired," I replied as if it were nothing. They brought me back to you without water and I sat beside you, unable to focus on the dull play and unable to look at anything else due to the darkness... You didn't mind so much, you simply felt at ease, but you had no clue as to how I felt... What I've gone through to make me unable to sit still, that made me want the things I wanted and sensitive to the things that I am to. I sat next to you, painfully sad as you watched this dull play... The surrounding that life has me watch every day of my life.

"When will the sun rise?" I asked while looking for any reflection of color around me. But the darkness seemed to swallow up my question before it even reached your ears. I was alone.


I suddenly awoke dehydrated with my hands dry and realizing I had only slept 2 and a half hours. Even in my sleep I felt tired. I haven't been able to sleep well for the past week. Though this dream seemed simple in it's presentation, it reflected so many levels of how I feel.