Charisse, here is an update for you especially!



The building and house at the corner of my street is GONE. They're building an apartment. 0_O No!! No more quiet block?






There's your place Charisse! :)

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July 03

Realization does not always grant solutions (or at least to guarantee further intellect to grasp a solution). At times it only grants the individual the burden of repeated thought... One which leads no where but farther down the path of agony. And yet despite knowing this, I aim to find truth... For I never can understand the point of living if we're to live in a warped world without this component; the role of dreams and nightmares would no longer be necessary if reality is as flawed or ruthless as the illusions that seep from our minds at night (at times I still question this "reality" of ours). Scientists still cannot find the actual purpose of a dream, but my take on a philosopher's view is that perhaps they are there to remind and define reality to us by showing its contrast in comparison. What can we conclude from it but this basic logic? Dreams lack sense, the world shouldn't.

I am in a game with pain... In rounds of all or nothing where my belief stands as the following:

Either you make something out of the pain or it makes something out of you.



Things I Don't Understand:

Lucky charms... They say if you lose it, your luck goes bad and until you find it again, things will continue to be bad. I hear and read stories of "confirmation" about this: "Yah, it's true! One time I lost it and everything was bad and I had the worst of luck! But then I found it again and everything went back to normal!"

So... If the source of your luck was lost and you were no longer with it... How the heck did you manage to find it again with such bad luck?


I find it hilarious when dye (hair) product companies attempt to act so caring as if they really wish for you to oblige to their warnings: "Test a small patch on skin 72 hours prior to dyeing. To fail to do so may result in serious allergy reactions" written in bold letters. So do they REALLY care and actually expect people to buy a full box of hair dye, open it, dab a small patch on their skin and then dispose the remainder of it after? Because ( if you don't know ), dyes begin to progressively lose its strength once it's open, even if it is not mixed. The air causes the chemicals to react immediately. Pretty retarded. At least offer a separate sample to waste!

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It doesn't surprise me when someone tells me that my page seems to speak from another soul than mine. I smile, I laugh, I seem uncaring in person. I go to the far opposite ends on many character traits. I am serious, yet also childish. But sometimes it is just the failure to read me right, such as how I appear to be fragile but can be quite rough. I know a lot of people interpret me as dumb and despite how wonderful it would read to say that I don't care, I do! Until I can stand closer to where I wish to be ( and ultimately to be there ), I will continue to be sensitive.

We see things as we see it for it's how we understand it. Turn it around, turn it upside down, place it in a different context, it still is what it is. It doesn't change the object, it only changes our interpretation... But we seem to mistake that as it being something totally different when it is our failure to understand that we are identifying.



"It'll be like everything I dreamed of, but better than the preview."

What can you do when you've lost your motivation?
It's like looking for your glasses when you already can't see.

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4:13am / Food keeps going in... I'm trying to rid this sense of emptyness within to revive the sense of appreciation, but all that surfaces is the realization that I feel like there's a bottomless pit within... A soul that seems doomed to starvation.

I sat in class anticipating my mark for the in-class paper we've done. I had sat through the ordeal of my period leaking through to finish this in class paper; yes, I was that determined. I wasn't sure what I was going to get but no matter how weak one could say my argument was, there was no way I can believe that my paper could get a "F", but that was exactly what I got. Pair that up with my last paper of a "P" for barely passed and you can estimate my grade average.

"F" = Student is showing great difficulty in comprehending the basics of the English language. Ideas do not link together, does not show relevance. Unable to understand the meaning student is trying to speculate. Sentences do not make sense and is unclear. > off my memory.

I'm sorry ( no, not really ), but I can't help but to believe that "you" are simply a jerk. I automatically blamed myself initially, but after some thought, there was no way you could tell me that my material was unreadable or that I am not detailed enough to the point where I deserve a "F." Even a C- I would have been more willing to accept. It also does not help when he seems to somehow forget the 2 asian girls in the class when going around to help people. It's unlikely! You're going from row to row and you somehow FORGET that there's 2 more girls at the last 2 tables before you've seen everyone? How can you when you're going through each person in order? You also forget to give sheets to the fob girl in front of me who is struggling enough that she doesnt understand what's going on? And then you have to mention during break that, "The class average is low, but don't worry, once people start withdrawing because of their mark, it'll go up... Once the bad ones get out." But believe it or not, whether it's the best decision or not, I feel like bailing without a fight.

I will never believe it even if he told me that I can't write for shit. It's not to say that I think I'm the greatest, but he, in no way, can get me to believe that I am deserving of a "F" nor can I take it seriously when he challenges how detailed I am... Why? It's not because I'm beeming with confidence... But it's because life opened that aspect in me. I went through an ordeal that lasted for years that got me writing and thinking... I learned through the best teacher, one whom I respect much more than him.

He was going around at the end of class again to help students with their new paper or to talk about the last paper. Guess what? He skipped me again as I sat there starring blankly at my paper.


But I'm not going to cry over it... I can't take anyone making me feel worthless anymore.


What's Heaven like?

My friend once told me to picture myself sitting in a white room filled with lit candles all around. The air is light and silence is all around. She asked me what I felt when imagining this. I replied, "Lonely, of no use, existing without a purpose which results in agony." She then said, "That's what Heaven's has been said to be." And truthfully... Every time I imagine heaven, without the challenges, without the constant thrive of advancing and progression and simply the enjoyments and peace of mind, I can't help but feel unsatisfied. Life should be somewhat of a long journey filled with adventures that my soul breathes for, but yet it still isn't for I haven't the energy to sustain that which I truly wish to do. Most days I have difficulty even feeling that a trait that was once present in me is still there. Like a car with no fuel, I have little desire to go anywhere, but I know within, it is my reason for my existance. Is there no place for me where I can feel contentment? Heaven is by definition a place of happiness, but if I cannot feel it if I haven't lived out my hearts desires, does it not exist for me?

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june28 / BLOG IS TO UNDERGO EXTENSIVE CLEANING!

...To remove all those junk entries of pointless blabbering.

... Falling high from a sky so blue, the ocean opens up just to swallow you.











I need to be able to master a skill to feel a sense of fulfillment. I constantly need to feel entertained... My thoughts are my weakness. I'm starting to think there is no such thing as peace of mind for me, only the absence of thoughts that can substitute for it.

I'm nearing depression... Or I may already be in it... I can't tell anymore.

"You've changed."
"No, YOU've changed."
"Perhaps nobody really changed, we just didn't know the person well enough."

Don't fret... Problems are for the unconfident. The confident see mere delays til they get to obtain what they want.


I don't want to be anybody's fool. If I must be a fool, let me be my own. Where is the sense to have to pay for somebody else's mistake(s)?




HTC touch... You are GAY. Not only does it not ring, my screen won't turn on periodically now... And since you need to access the screen to power it off... I have to manually remove the battery to restart it.
Have to go in to pick up my new one........ Sometime.

Ive been behind in everything lately and experiencing abdominal pain in the same area for 3 days now.

Not to mention I'm really behind in class, didn't do my paper yet and when I go on Wednesday I have an in class essay as well.... Oh, and my intensive math course just started.... %#*@.

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Smile baby :) You know we are.

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June 08 / A bad day is better than being without a day.



At the end of the day the same thought reoccurs in my head, "I am just a girl." That is not said as justification for any inability I hold, but rather, that that is all I currently am and have been. As my mind slips away starved for rest, I rest my eyes on one conclusion, that I have yet to understand myself at all. Somewhere within me lies a psychological battle where my reflexes strike to protect me from the fears I no longer understand. A girl who spent years analyzing the depths of her pain has turned trying into a sort of pain itself... I've grown weary from failing when I haven't even much to fail from. Life has taken on the concept of debt, reaching into my soul for more when I run dry of tears to cry. I am certain I have no more to give, yet somehow, it finds more and if it fails to, it waits... It waits for when I do manage to cling on to any notes of happiness and it strips me of it, leaving me bare once more.


Where my motivation has gone, I do not know. But if you, my energy, must go, leave enough so that you can prevent me from investing effort into dwelling as well... Leave enough so that thoughts no longer can sustain in my head... Not just so I am striped of motivation yet left with the mind to feel.




June 10/ I need a new computer.

I can see this one deterioating right before me. Just operating a simple task like an interenet windows lags like crazy.
What else? I'm craving bakery and food in general a lot lately. As usual. :P I know, this is most entertaining blog EVER.




"You want your cake and to eat it too." I really don't understand this saying... It totally doesn't make sense to me and doesn't represent the meaning well, yet people continue to use it. I'm sure you can figure out why it doesn't make sense... You SHOULD be able to eat the cake you have. That's the purpose of it.

Wouldn't it make more sense to say, "You want it to be day and night at the same time"? Meaning you want it all but obviously it contradicts one another?

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june 14 / Drunk writing:

If it begins to feel stressful it no longer holds its purpose.

Lately I haven't been very caring. Well, in other words, I've been quite absorbed with myself only and what I want. Part of it is helping me find myself... and the other? Well, I've learned that everyone is looking out for themselves and I'm tired of ANYONE thinking that I'm going to be following after them.

In a way, I've found a part of me, while at the same time, I've lost a part.

No more partying. It was okay before because I was there for the music. But now? Now I've seemed to turn to alcohol to distract myself... No more.