I've expressed the same problem in so many ways that my mind has finally begun to abandon this approach. It finally - after 6 years - has taken realization to the fact that it may no longer be enough to trigger the much needed change I desire. No, this has only be useful in the maintenance of my mental health... And even at that, it at times sways way too close towards a breakdown.
So if it's not my thoughts that needs changing, nor do I know what I can change exactly that's causing my health limitations... Then what else can I resort to? The one thing that is being attacked indirectly by it... My lack of actions. I no longer pay as much attention to when I should be "resting." It sounds a bit odd but I guess I think that if I don't pay any attention to it, it may go away. If I allow myself to feel weakened, it will ultimately weaken me even more from the thought itself.
As much as I found temporary relief in expressing, it has caused me another sort of pain where I experience heightened frustration from the fact that I am still writing of the same thing after so many years... It feels almost pathetic.
So if I can, I wish to speak little more of it... If I can manage to.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/04/28/austria.cellar/index.html#cnnSTCText
WTF, WTF, WTF!!!! I can't even express what I felt reading this... Let alone imagine what she felt. Such severe confinement and torture with little chance of change must have caused mental health issues. A big chunk of her life, gone. This is why I fear men who are weak and insecure yet granted with physical strength... How can you do that to anybody, let alone your own daughter.
May03 - Over the days
When food becomes one of those treasured enjoyments left. :')
The pictures are only displaying a tiny fraction of the actual food consumed. :P
All you can eat brunch @ Griffins Hotel, some hotel in dt.
Quick rant ( it seems I'm full of them today ):
There's just something about it that makes me feel uncomfortable or extremely annoyed... when I feel as though some "people" simply take other people's true miseries to list as their own to receive sympathy from others. For example, if you tell me something that happened to someone that is close to your friend, whom you're far less close with... I would feel for your friend. But you can tell when some people are trying to make it about themselves. "I'm doing so bad. My friend's blah blah blah got in an accident." There's not even any "I'm trying to be there for them but it's hard just knowing what they're going through" pr "I feel so bad for my friend who has to go through this." So annoying. "Uhh... Just hold up? It'll be okay? You be strong?" "Yah, and there's so much other stuff that's bringing me down." I just feel it's in bad taste to talk about it as if you are the one who deserves that sympathy when clearly your friends need it more.
Interesting video about plastic bottles and safety issues:
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1494875089?bctid=1496501297
In other news, I'm trying to get on the waitlist for an English course, Academic Writing. Seriously, just like philosophy, I feel reluctant to absorb the lessons. I just can't "learn" to write. I can't do it. In English 8 and 9, I was failing my essays despite my trying attempts. But when I just gave up and wrote naturally, I got A's. It's weird. I guess trying to force structure on my writing confines my thought flow. I'm a bit worried about this course... The course load is intense as well... I'm worried I'm going to fall into traps of thinking of "how to write".
Woot! HedKandi!! That was fun :P I managed to dance a whole lot even with my restricting skirt.
May15 - ( I got my net back! :)
There was a nightmare that I had last week that still stays with me despite my attempts to disregard it. Unlike every other nightmare, this one offered the greatest feeling of reality to me. Reality as in, that I was really there for that quick but intense moment.
After a series of chaos and commotion of the usual theme that occurs within my dreams, I suddenly found myself standing at the entrance within my house in dead silence. The noise that surrounded me just prior to this still echoed in my ears. I felt completely alone... I quickly grabbed the front door and swung it open to escape from the dreaded feeling, but what I found was even worse. There was nor a moon or star, just a thick black that enveloped the entire house. I placed my hand outside and it seemed to become nonexistant.
I felt as if this was truly happening and that I finally was exposed to the truth that I really have been alone this entire time... That the people who I've brought close to me were symbols of the weaknesses and abilities that I lacked. That I needed them to aid those certain areas I could not fill... They were not images of strength and there was no such thing as a strong relationship, but merely a strong need for relief for those weaknesses within me. My mom did not exist, which was why in my dreams, she was never able to fend off the evil spirits... Because it was I who "created" her, and I who lacked strength to begin with. Love was built off more than how much you needed a person, but how much you needed this symbolic creation to protect yourself from truths that hurt you.
So I sat there with this gutwrenching feeling with the belief that I had just discovered truth in a mere few seconds while placed in a scenario that stretches into eternity with little to do. All that was left was to suffer for this new found understanding.
For the following week I've struggled with this feeling of utter loneliness. Even in my waking hours and in noisy atmosheres, I still feel as if this truth has survived well past my nightmare.
I feel so utterly lonely and purposeless.
