...I find myself consistently having to preoccupy myself with things to look forward to in the near future to keep my mood from falling on those days where I feel I can do little. Even if I can't do much, I need to at least keep my mind entertained with lively thoughts, right?

@ least it's working today... :) Well in fluctuations.

I had to attend a friend's birthday at a private room w/ bar @ Capones on Friday. It was one of the worst food EVER especially for the price!! The mushroom soup seemed funky, like you're eating puke; the pizza was bland and, the double fudged brownie tasted soggy like it was defrosted!! I'm not that picky but that was gross. I haven't been to many nice restaurants that actually serve good food. Figmint was one of the few better ones I have to say... I'm craving it!

I drank (I know, rare), what was pretty much an entire crown & coke! My tolerance is building... Every time I see unexplained changes that seem to be towards a strengthening affect, I get excited, I think maybe there's slight internal changes signifying that it's getting better.:P The buzz ran off pretty quick and settled down.

But I am soo tired today... Not to mention sore again. :(

---

I stumbled upon some cool sites that donate grain and rice to world hunger. All you have to do is select correct answers.

http://www.freerice.com/
For every definition question you get correct, they donate 20 grains of rice

-- You'll need an online dictionary though, seriously.

http://www.freeflour.com/
They donate one spoon of flour for every q that's correct


http://www.helpuu.com/
This ones a simple search engine site powered by Google.
"Every person that sets their homepage as Helpuu during the course of a month, is equivalent to feeding a starving child for about 3 weeks. If only 5% of the US population were to use Helpuu to search, 1,000,000 hungry kids could be fed every single day."

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april01 /sunshine



"I call him sunshine _____."
"Why?"
"Because he's my sunshine, he makes me happy when my skies are gray."

I have this rule I subject myself to... If I leave a room that is shared by others, it must be cleaner or left in the same condition, but in no way worse. This rule also extends into the environment which is why I'm strongly against littering. If you're not going to help, why would you make it harder for others who try? What makes you think it's their job? Obviously the bigger the surroundings, the more complicated it gets but I think I will feel extremely selfish if I left the world in a worser condition on my part without even bothering to do anything about it, whether big or small.
It's like we're a guest on this planet, but we just keep acting ungrateful and abusing it. Sooner or later we're going to overstay our welcome.

I just kept sleeping and sleeping, disregarding my paper. There's no such thing as naps for me. My naps extend into the normal amount of hours people need. I feel depressed, extremely depressed. I dreamt of school again. Dreamt I was graduating and also was on some sort of adventure where I was in trouble and needed to escape. Despite that, the sun was shining in there and I felt alive even when in trouble, I wasn't scared. This is the thing I have to realize, I can never go back and straighten out what is part of my dream plan. It wouldn't be so bad if I could feel everything now... But I still can't. It's even worse now which makes it so much harder for me to find the motivation. I still can't ride on life... I woke up in the middle of the night and the sky was calm and cool. It felt so light on my skin that I just sat in the dark eating... I'm so desperate for any sort of comfort for my soul.
The next thing I knew, I was back asleep, I opened my eyes in another dream where my mom told me to hurry up cause we're leaving to Mexico soon. I looked around and my room had a collection of bathing suits to bring. I threw everything in my luggage, excited... But before I knew it, I woke to gray skies again.

This whole life of mine may be spent witnessing the destruction of my dreams.

And... I don't feel like talking... I feel as if you can only feel your own pain but that strength of my dreams and severity of my obstacle doesn't exist enough to hurt.

I went on facebook and for some reason, I felt as if everyone on my list was in my hs, and everyone was so happy again proceeding in life and succeeding again, I will be nothing but the girl that disappears suddenly. But the one that doesn't give a damn and is lazy in their eyes. I'll always have a smile on the outside.

I suddenly don't want to be here... I don't want anyone to see me.


No matter how familiar I am to these conditions, my soul would never grow accustomed to them.

Beauty is no longer rare, class is:

I've been taught by society that what makes an attractive woman alluring is that her beauty surpasses most of those around her, making her above average and therefore rare and desired.

But I've been taught by my own experience that class and self respect is a harder find than beauty nowadays. There's a difference between being placed in a situation that challenges you and remaining free of those experiences. Seems like everyone is becoming corrupted. Might I also add with reference to a South Park episode I watched a while back where Cartman attempts to be nice by dressing nice... Kyle replies, "That's not it cartman, that's not being nice... That's just dressing nice." As to them, that's not it girls. That's not class. That's just dressing nice." Where's the rest of the package? There are too many undercover hookers working for free everywhere.

I'm sitting here feeling a bit exasperated and mentally fatigued. That unsettling feeling within me again... I try to ignore it but I believed I've stumbled upon the ingredients to which bitterness is made of. Repeated exposure to a sort of suffering while constantly trying to maintain composure yet lacking of the fundamental change so desperately needed. Feeling discredited for your worth. Finding yourself feeling demeaned by the thoughts and words of others... Ones in which seem to contradict your very being when studied upon on a closer note. The battle to try to fight bitterness can bring about a worst case... As sometimes you slip into being passive in an attempt to avoid more anger. Trying to deal with a troublesome factor that touches upon each moment in your life, while having to tolerate unjust comments, inconsideration and lack of thought from most others. Bitterness is the death of you and you'll feel it as it turns what once felt whole into complete and what seems at times to be eternal hollowness.

I'm not speaking of the pro-longed life long temper tantrums some seem to develop when not getting things their way and them not even trying to advance intellectually/emotionally... I'm talking about bitterness that seems to seep within after being exposed to the same feeling despite attempts to resist it.


Is the primary factor behind bitterness, a case of stubborness? The refusal to accept and let go what you cant have or what would not be? If this is the case, is bitterness ever rational? Can we always pull a speck of truth and wisdom from every situation to release ourselves but fail to do so? Despite what has been brought upon us as if with great vengeance, is it in us to turn a scar from an attack to a mark of bravery?

In reflection to my situation, I come across this thought... Is it wrong of me to have an innate desire to embrace life? Standing idly by incapable of enjoying most of the wonderful aspects of life but able to absorb and feel the worst of pains is hardly living. Are there just certain things that cannot be accepted despite attempts. If I let this desire in me wither I think I would go with it.


I still always hold an inner sense of appreciation and feeling of strength of a different nature. In this area, I don't feel inferior. I feel an intellect of a different kind. I've endured and continue to, I've taught myself and from this most my thoughts have sprouted on its own rather than taken from another's mind. What's more, I've developed more appreciation for those who've helped me. They don't have to, but they do. And through those difficult situations, I've learned my trying to stay the same may have been much harder than changing. Though deep, deep inside, I feel concrete worth, I sometimes wonder if it will be able to flourish into more.

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march03/ The sky smiled back. :)





march08/THe difficulty in my memory recall is getting to me. I forget what I need to do from 20 seconds after telling myself to hours on apart. I would go upstairs and wonder why I'm there. Replay this scene like 4 times before I actually remember.