Mental note, mental notes don't work.
That fear stricken feeling isn't so far away from me anymore. Days are consumed with irrationality and anxiety. I need to feel safe and stable at this time for it to die down. I think this type of things needs to be consistently proven wrong in the beginning to decrease the attacks. It's like how you treat illogical phobias. If, however, it's proved that the feelings have truth to it, it stays even longer and stronger... I feel as if my heart is only taking half beats as it's on the lookout.
My nightmares warn me when they're coming... And well even when they're not. I keep thinking that my nightmares are reflecting inevitable doom. The feeling lingers in my mind waiting to use anything to feed it... In my waking hours, it's not about the situations that provoke it, it uses situations as an excuse for it's existance. I tried to help myself by reassuring myself and appealing to it through logic. But do you know how hard it is? I can do it... I believe. It just causes a greater flood of fluctuations in moods however. I'm fighting myself thus I get moody and grumpy.
If I had support it will at least not be extended this long. Though that's making me change. I don't really believe a trait is totally absent in a person... I think it's more to what degree it takes to bring it out.
Everytime life hands me something hard to digest, it feels as if it's given me ulcer.
It's like sitting in a dim room and every now and then, there's a knock, you don't know what to expect, but the only true good news is that you can leave, so obviously you have been getting more bad news than good. You can't do so much to distract yourself, you're trapped with your mind drawn to its problems and plans to get out. As a result, your mind focuses on the stress in its dreams as well. You hear people shouting to you outside the window of what to do, but, well... They're mostly arrogant - people who think highly of themselves and don't apply any understanding to the situation. OF COURSE you think you can do it when you have your full physical strength. Then these people hold rocks that they sometimes throw at you, you can throw your things back that are in your room... But that will leave you with even less... You don't have as much as in their open world. So you sit there and try to fight the anger to find peace of mind. It delays the aggression a great deal, but you can tell it's still there when you close your eyes. So most hours are spent attempting to control, to find worth, to find help... But nobody really visits me in this "room." It's a life built on thoughts.
Written on: February 20, 2008
Written on: February 17, 2008
I finally fell asleep, getting a good but insufficient 15 hours of sleep. I woke up with arthritis still surging through both arms and my bones cracking more than ever. Hives were developing on the lower portion of my leg, nose is runny and I feel just as tired as before I fell asleep. Yet these dreams were provoking me to awake.
Long story short, first, it reflected I had aggression, anger which is unresolved amongst those whom I had trusted and had orignally given thought and respect to only to experience the reverse from them. I dreamt I was in the future and better; working when a young, cocky 18 year old girl stole my computer monitor and money I left on the counter. She did this after I interacted with her and shown her care. She didn't need these things as much as I appreciated them at all ( the monitor so I can write online in expression ). I found out where she lived, took my things back, trashed her place and stole some of her items and sold it. When she called the cops, I showed receipt for my own monitor and showed no trace of her things as I had already sold them. She didn't seem to understand, only showed devastation, but it didn't matter to me anymore, just as long as they get what deserve, I can care less if they understood anymore. :)
Second, my house lock was represented with that of a needle whereas the guy I was with had a strong, thick lock. The needle made me feel uneasy when I was inside, but I realized that by going out more, I take what is dear with me, not to store indoors. My man's house had a huge flight of stairs to the entrance. It was a huge but empty house and he would constantly go out without me. I just left that day following my longing to live and didn't want to be indoors anymore.
The last time I had a dream with me looking outside the window was about 7 years ago. It was winter and there was a hose built into the wall under my window outside. It was on but frozen, the water couldn't move and left only the frozen flow of water. I saw 2 of my friends walking by and they called me to come out, but I couldn't. I stood there sadly and said I can't yet. I'm stuck here.
The last part showed me inside my room looking through the window at night. I stood there all night as various commotions came through my block. I watched with eagerness and content. It was a summer night and life was thriving. When morning came, my roof was shown to be more flat and wide and had all sorts of things on it. My cat lounged on a mini bench on it. Suddenly I saw Danny and Fredalyn shouting excitedly for me to come out. I turned around and ran out.
Though the dream makes me feel a rush to live, I think subconsciously I fear dreaming, cause most of the time it just tells me that I should be up attending to what I want instead of resting, to live.
It's so hard to say that I'm sorry, I'll make it, I'll make everything alright.
Long story short, first, it reflected I had aggression, anger which is unresolved amongst those whom I had trusted and had orignally given thought and respect to only to experience the reverse from them. I dreamt I was in the future and better; working when a young, cocky 18 year old girl stole my computer monitor and money I left on the counter. She did this after I interacted with her and shown her care. She didn't need these things as much as I appreciated them at all ( the monitor so I can write online in expression ). I found out where she lived, took my things back, trashed her place and stole some of her items and sold it. When she called the cops, I showed receipt for my own monitor and showed no trace of her things as I had already sold them. She didn't seem to understand, only showed devastation, but it didn't matter to me anymore, just as long as they get what deserve, I can care less if they understood anymore. :)
Second, my house lock was represented with that of a needle whereas the guy I was with had a strong, thick lock. The needle made me feel uneasy when I was inside, but I realized that by going out more, I take what is dear with me, not to store indoors. My man's house had a huge flight of stairs to the entrance. It was a huge but empty house and he would constantly go out without me. I just left that day following my longing to live and didn't want to be indoors anymore.
The last time I had a dream with me looking outside the window was about 7 years ago. It was winter and there was a hose built into the wall under my window outside. It was on but frozen, the water couldn't move and left only the frozen flow of water. I saw 2 of my friends walking by and they called me to come out, but I couldn't. I stood there sadly and said I can't yet. I'm stuck here.
The last part showed me inside my room looking through the window at night. I stood there all night as various commotions came through my block. I watched with eagerness and content. It was a summer night and life was thriving. When morning came, my roof was shown to be more flat and wide and had all sorts of things on it. My cat lounged on a mini bench on it. Suddenly I saw Danny and Fredalyn shouting excitedly for me to come out. I turned around and ran out.
Though the dream makes me feel a rush to live, I think subconsciously I fear dreaming, cause most of the time it just tells me that I should be up attending to what I want instead of resting, to live.
It's so hard to say that I'm sorry, I'll make it, I'll make everything alright.
Written on: February 12, 2008
I'm only 23... Right?
I never really felt as if I was getting "so" old as all those melodramatic others would claim on their birthdays... I mean, I still feel young... Perhaps because I never really tasted everything I wished in life; just the bitter doses with tiny glimpses of sweetness within them. Experience comes with time and time is what causes aging right?
Still continuing what seems to be a prolonged episode of restlessness and distractiveness, I picked up a magazine again today. I read a lot of the facts they stated regarding the aging women in textbooks... But reading it over and over in magazines actually made me feel down. At 30 your reproductive system begins to decline, saggy breasts, wrinkles, menstrual cycle begins to spread further apart...
They make you feel as if the life for a women ends at age 30!
There's still so much I haven't done and still cannot do... I feel as if I had a chance before... Before it worsening... It worries me greatly. All these years I've tried to soothe the frantic side of me by thinking that all will come in good time... But having to experience it worsening to such a degree afterwards is frustrating to say the least. And as much as I don't wish to feel helpless, when you take a realistic view, I am riding along on situations in life right now, I need more control, I need more consistency and stability. Who knows when that would be accomplished, how many more years can I bare to wait and see?
It's like that part of brain of mine that thinks strictly logically has also shut up.
It seems I've been put in many situations that requires patience, it's agony.
Get up and try again.
I feel so fidgety yet extremely tired. Great.
February 16 /
The sleeping problem continues to drag on. Despite being extremely exhausted, I will sleep from 4-6 hours and wake up. Each time I lay my head on my bed, a ton of things I can do stroll through my head and I get up again. My arms and legs are being attacked by aches and I feel my muscles trembling from time to time in exhaustion. I hate needing to rest so much, I want to be able to do more.
I never really felt as if I was getting "so" old as all those melodramatic others would claim on their birthdays... I mean, I still feel young... Perhaps because I never really tasted everything I wished in life; just the bitter doses with tiny glimpses of sweetness within them. Experience comes with time and time is what causes aging right?
Still continuing what seems to be a prolonged episode of restlessness and distractiveness, I picked up a magazine again today. I read a lot of the facts they stated regarding the aging women in textbooks... But reading it over and over in magazines actually made me feel down. At 30 your reproductive system begins to decline, saggy breasts, wrinkles, menstrual cycle begins to spread further apart...
They make you feel as if the life for a women ends at age 30!
There's still so much I haven't done and still cannot do... I feel as if I had a chance before... Before it worsening... It worries me greatly. All these years I've tried to soothe the frantic side of me by thinking that all will come in good time... But having to experience it worsening to such a degree afterwards is frustrating to say the least. And as much as I don't wish to feel helpless, when you take a realistic view, I am riding along on situations in life right now, I need more control, I need more consistency and stability. Who knows when that would be accomplished, how many more years can I bare to wait and see?
It's like that part of brain of mine that thinks strictly logically has also shut up.
It seems I've been put in many situations that requires patience, it's agony.
Get up and try again.
I feel so fidgety yet extremely tired. Great.
February 16 /
The sleeping problem continues to drag on. Despite being extremely exhausted, I will sleep from 4-6 hours and wake up. Each time I lay my head on my bed, a ton of things I can do stroll through my head and I get up again. My arms and legs are being attacked by aches and I feel my muscles trembling from time to time in exhaustion. I hate needing to rest so much, I want to be able to do more.
Written on: February 5, 2008
I fear complete silence at times for it seems to reflect my thoughts back in it's rawest form.
So is it the negativity in my thoughts which wound me, or the reality of it?
It is possible to hold a realistic view in life? They say everything you see around you is tainted with the knowledge you have given yourself to perceive it as what it is, in other words, it is either positive or negative.
But is it not possible to take yet another step back and understand, for example, what has scarred you psychologically and accept your reaction to it as a factor to foresee how things will be... Whether it be negative or positive?
Maybe my third person perspective comes from the fact that I don't always feel as one with myself anymore..... I feel like an adult in an elderly's body with as much experience as a teenager's.
I once could do something and feel self-assured because I know I can do it well. Now, my confidence has drifted from me. Is this due to negative thinking or a realistic response.
I can never tell when this brain fog will drift over me, masking the light from my brain and stripping it of it's clarity. I think 10x more thoughts than I write on here... Why? Most of my thoughts are lost in the attempts to document them. Only in those energy sustained moments of clarity can I follow these thoughts. I seem to no longer be able to follow my thoughts as far. I know what I know is there... I just cannot locate it. I'm suddenly lost and when in situations that involve other people, my anxiety rises when feeling the pressure of being judged as an incompetent fool. My realistic view is this, their thought is limited, therefore it holds little credit... Yet it is hard to be without understanding. Furthermore, I still cannot ignore the damage on my responsibilities in life that I feel incompetent at handling. Can you say this is a pessimistic view, or is it in itself rational negativity?
I feel as if I have 2 brains. One which feels negative due to the lack of energy and another that understands that and attends to it neutrally and w/ logic. Sometimes I feel as if the one of logic is on a long vacation though.
I can't always remember what I was just saying or thinking, but I seem to always be feeling something and with that I am reminded constantly enough that it had led me to my need for expression.
I've buried the sadness deep within me acting as if I haven't a care in the world in person... But it eats at me everyday... And I seem to grow back just for it to eat at me again. Truthfully, I get no rest from it. It's rooted in every aspect of my life.
"Do you feel better after having one good cry? Or do you feel the same prior to it?"
"I don't know, I'll let you know when I've finally completed [the one good cry.]"
"Do you have problems with concentration?" "Yes, my brain often feels heavy with fog even more so lately and I can't think at times." "Do you have problems with memory recall?" "Well, my problem is with concentration." "*angrily* Do you have problems w/ things give to you to memorize though?!" "How would I know if I can't concentrate to memorize it to begin with..." "Oh."
What do you dream about at night?" "I can split them into 2 topics. One is violence, the other is sadness." "I believe you're dreaming of such violence because of the aggression left within you in unresolved matters or the act of you trying to repress them." "Well, my concern isn't so much as where it derives from. I know it is due to those but I have little choice but to repress these issues in my life to maintain... If I let out my frustration in full force it will result in a unproductive emotional explosion that will only provoke it more." "Why don't you attend to these issues then... You're not doing a very good job maintaining if you are having these dreams." "Actually, in my violent dreams, I am almost always successful in killing the other person. I think it's my way of telling myself that 'I can do it!'"
Whenever I'm caught with an over abundance of emotions that I can't handle ( which is low already btw ), I feel myself not caring about anything almost and going into every emotion with great aggression. Almost sarcastic if you must.
"She said that I was stupid and that I wouldn't amount to much of nothing."
It seems there has been a breach in this small world of mine and the pollution of the other worlds have come crashing through.
Pollution on top of already heavy fog... I can already be gone and not even know it.
"...seems to affect mostly women. Usually these women are hard-working, achievement-oriented, and perfectionistic."
I lost it all.
5:22am / Why can't I sleep. I know I'm tired, but I seem to feel insecure.
I think I feel unsafe with the direction of life that any disappointments or what seems to be one throws me off bad. I lie in bed sweating, thoughts racing through my head... I can't even tell you what I'm thinking, they're so fast I can't catch them to recall.
I feel lonely.
p.s. I pretty much did fail my last exam. :(
I can't sleep. It's contradicting, I feel cold and alone at night, yet the thought of the dark of the night wrapped around me somehow offers me feelings of protection.
I feel lonely....
I think it's those who are closest to me who I am most vulnerable to being hurt from. Others, I can tell them off... But those dear, telling them off won't repel the pain. I kind of want to just cut everyone out and meet some new people to entertain me with mindless conversations and carefree smiles.
Everyday is of a repetitive nature, one in which lacks any productive means. I've been trying to tackle these dreadful thoughts in me... I haven't had steady sleep and it's left me with a prolonged headache and achiness. I placed so much in my birthday and CNY... It was all suppose to start turning around... I was to start smiling again... And mean it this time. But it seems to be even more of a reason to be disappointed now. I keep thinking that if I force myself to feel that change is coming, it will.
I feel utterly empty.
I've been looking at past written notes of funny memories and I find them to seem more hilarious as it ages. It seems harder to remember those funny moments you experience day to day. I should spend more time documenting the memories I want to recall.
1:10am / I've lost all motivation... Even to sleep! My body has been going haywire and I feel like everything is too much. Feeling the need for change and control, I've devised a plan of more things I must do. I can't stand feeling even more lost. That "distraction" I've found helped me for a while, but I need more.
So is it the negativity in my thoughts which wound me, or the reality of it?
It is possible to hold a realistic view in life? They say everything you see around you is tainted with the knowledge you have given yourself to perceive it as what it is, in other words, it is either positive or negative.
But is it not possible to take yet another step back and understand, for example, what has scarred you psychologically and accept your reaction to it as a factor to foresee how things will be... Whether it be negative or positive?
Maybe my third person perspective comes from the fact that I don't always feel as one with myself anymore..... I feel like an adult in an elderly's body with as much experience as a teenager's.
I once could do something and feel self-assured because I know I can do it well. Now, my confidence has drifted from me. Is this due to negative thinking or a realistic response.
I can never tell when this brain fog will drift over me, masking the light from my brain and stripping it of it's clarity. I think 10x more thoughts than I write on here... Why? Most of my thoughts are lost in the attempts to document them. Only in those energy sustained moments of clarity can I follow these thoughts. I seem to no longer be able to follow my thoughts as far. I know what I know is there... I just cannot locate it. I'm suddenly lost and when in situations that involve other people, my anxiety rises when feeling the pressure of being judged as an incompetent fool. My realistic view is this, their thought is limited, therefore it holds little credit... Yet it is hard to be without understanding. Furthermore, I still cannot ignore the damage on my responsibilities in life that I feel incompetent at handling. Can you say this is a pessimistic view, or is it in itself rational negativity?
I feel as if I have 2 brains. One which feels negative due to the lack of energy and another that understands that and attends to it neutrally and w/ logic. Sometimes I feel as if the one of logic is on a long vacation though.
I can't always remember what I was just saying or thinking, but I seem to always be feeling something and with that I am reminded constantly enough that it had led me to my need for expression.
I've buried the sadness deep within me acting as if I haven't a care in the world in person... But it eats at me everyday... And I seem to grow back just for it to eat at me again. Truthfully, I get no rest from it. It's rooted in every aspect of my life.
"Do you feel better after having one good cry? Or do you feel the same prior to it?"
"I don't know, I'll let you know when I've finally completed [the one good cry.]"
"Do you have problems with concentration?" "Yes, my brain often feels heavy with fog even more so lately and I can't think at times." "Do you have problems with memory recall?" "Well, my problem is with concentration." "*angrily* Do you have problems w/ things give to you to memorize though?!" "How would I know if I can't concentrate to memorize it to begin with..." "Oh."
What do you dream about at night?" "I can split them into 2 topics. One is violence, the other is sadness." "I believe you're dreaming of such violence because of the aggression left within you in unresolved matters or the act of you trying to repress them." "Well, my concern isn't so much as where it derives from. I know it is due to those but I have little choice but to repress these issues in my life to maintain... If I let out my frustration in full force it will result in a unproductive emotional explosion that will only provoke it more." "Why don't you attend to these issues then... You're not doing a very good job maintaining if you are having these dreams." "Actually, in my violent dreams, I am almost always successful in killing the other person. I think it's my way of telling myself that 'I can do it!'"
Whenever I'm caught with an over abundance of emotions that I can't handle ( which is low already btw ), I feel myself not caring about anything almost and going into every emotion with great aggression. Almost sarcastic if you must.
"She said that I was stupid and that I wouldn't amount to much of nothing."
It seems there has been a breach in this small world of mine and the pollution of the other worlds have come crashing through.
Pollution on top of already heavy fog... I can already be gone and not even know it.
"...seems to affect mostly women. Usually these women are hard-working, achievement-oriented, and perfectionistic."
I lost it all.
5:22am / Why can't I sleep. I know I'm tired, but I seem to feel insecure.
I think I feel unsafe with the direction of life that any disappointments or what seems to be one throws me off bad. I lie in bed sweating, thoughts racing through my head... I can't even tell you what I'm thinking, they're so fast I can't catch them to recall.
I feel lonely.
p.s. I pretty much did fail my last exam. :(
I can't sleep. It's contradicting, I feel cold and alone at night, yet the thought of the dark of the night wrapped around me somehow offers me feelings of protection.
I feel lonely....
I think it's those who are closest to me who I am most vulnerable to being hurt from. Others, I can tell them off... But those dear, telling them off won't repel the pain. I kind of want to just cut everyone out and meet some new people to entertain me with mindless conversations and carefree smiles.
Everyday is of a repetitive nature, one in which lacks any productive means. I've been trying to tackle these dreadful thoughts in me... I haven't had steady sleep and it's left me with a prolonged headache and achiness. I placed so much in my birthday and CNY... It was all suppose to start turning around... I was to start smiling again... And mean it this time. But it seems to be even more of a reason to be disappointed now. I keep thinking that if I force myself to feel that change is coming, it will.
I feel utterly empty.
I've been looking at past written notes of funny memories and I find them to seem more hilarious as it ages. It seems harder to remember those funny moments you experience day to day. I should spend more time documenting the memories I want to recall.
1:10am / I've lost all motivation... Even to sleep! My body has been going haywire and I feel like everything is too much. Feeling the need for change and control, I've devised a plan of more things I must do. I can't stand feeling even more lost. That "distraction" I've found helped me for a while, but I need more.
