Written on: January 31, 2008
Written on: January 23, 2008
If this page were a piece of paper... It would be crumbled until the content could no longer be readable. Its edges would be ripped, to resemble the likes of what I feel and it would be thrown into the corner as if it never existed to begin with.
Instead, it remains fresh and crisp for each day I've documented. I need to clean my blog soon but I don't want to look back. Wrinkled paper can remind you of the days that have past since those words... But a computerized post looks the same as the day it was written. I need it to feel farther away right now.
Ahh... I dislike school now. Though I feel so selfish for saying that... I can't seem to grasp the devotion I held before. I'm studying health psychology, which is centralized around chronic health problems and the psychological damage endured. I should be interested, but I'm hardly. I don't want to face anything right now. I feel such a decline in confidence again.
It seems that people look at me and get almost the total opposite to what's within me.
I don't like talking about a lot of things because it's like opening the bandaid of an open wound. For example, when I don't wish to discuss about school in open conversations, it's NOT because I don't care. On the contrary, I care so much that I've developed issues. I hate the fact that I'm so behind from my plan and at the same time, I must continue on this snaeil's pace with little choice. I can plan things but it'll take me triple the amount of time it will take you to do. I'm in slow motion with my thought in fast motion. So I'm witnessing myself barely sustaining and it's clear to me... Talking about it as a conversational piece is not easy for me.
They think, oh, all she wants to do is laugh and joke, never something serious. I laugh and smile in person because I put out my best every time I step out. I'm a private person, I don't feel comfortable feeling exposed. These constant criticism is getting to me... Especially when a person thinks they're better than me. Today, someone said to me (after ignoring my warnings to backdown from going into the topic of school), "I know how you feel for not wanting to talk about it, I hate school too!! But if you dont like it why dont YOU DROP OUT!! I like talking about it though cause it makes me feel good that I'm attending." How far on opposite ends we stand. I don't talk about it because I care so much that merely being in school is not enough to make me feel proud.
So I do care. Yet at the same time, my lack of energy and abundance of various, troublesome symptoms has stripped me of my confidence and motivation. Deep within me lies concern, while at the same time, I feel as if I'm already failing as I try. So what emerges? An overall care for my future mixed with a lost sense of purpose as I feel like I can't keep up. As time moves on, more accomplishments are needed and I'm still attempting to manage the first. By this time, it hardly seems like it's a goal waiting to be accomplished. Instead, it has transformed to a task that is needed to be done. There is no reason to celebrate in my heart anymore as I desperately try to SUSTAIN, forget accomplishing.
I know I look young. I know you see me smiling to you a lot. I know you don't see me doing much. But it doesn't mean you know it all.
Instead, it remains fresh and crisp for each day I've documented. I need to clean my blog soon but I don't want to look back. Wrinkled paper can remind you of the days that have past since those words... But a computerized post looks the same as the day it was written. I need it to feel farther away right now.
Ahh... I dislike school now. Though I feel so selfish for saying that... I can't seem to grasp the devotion I held before. I'm studying health psychology, which is centralized around chronic health problems and the psychological damage endured. I should be interested, but I'm hardly. I don't want to face anything right now. I feel such a decline in confidence again.
It seems that people look at me and get almost the total opposite to what's within me.
I don't like talking about a lot of things because it's like opening the bandaid of an open wound. For example, when I don't wish to discuss about school in open conversations, it's NOT because I don't care. On the contrary, I care so much that I've developed issues. I hate the fact that I'm so behind from my plan and at the same time, I must continue on this snaeil's pace with little choice. I can plan things but it'll take me triple the amount of time it will take you to do. I'm in slow motion with my thought in fast motion. So I'm witnessing myself barely sustaining and it's clear to me... Talking about it as a conversational piece is not easy for me.
They think, oh, all she wants to do is laugh and joke, never something serious. I laugh and smile in person because I put out my best every time I step out. I'm a private person, I don't feel comfortable feeling exposed. These constant criticism is getting to me... Especially when a person thinks they're better than me. Today, someone said to me (after ignoring my warnings to backdown from going into the topic of school), "I know how you feel for not wanting to talk about it, I hate school too!! But if you dont like it why dont YOU DROP OUT!! I like talking about it though cause it makes me feel good that I'm attending." How far on opposite ends we stand. I don't talk about it because I care so much that merely being in school is not enough to make me feel proud.
So I do care. Yet at the same time, my lack of energy and abundance of various, troublesome symptoms has stripped me of my confidence and motivation. Deep within me lies concern, while at the same time, I feel as if I'm already failing as I try. So what emerges? An overall care for my future mixed with a lost sense of purpose as I feel like I can't keep up. As time moves on, more accomplishments are needed and I'm still attempting to manage the first. By this time, it hardly seems like it's a goal waiting to be accomplished. Instead, it has transformed to a task that is needed to be done. There is no reason to celebrate in my heart anymore as I desperately try to SUSTAIN, forget accomplishing.
I know I look young. I know you see me smiling to you a lot. I know you don't see me doing much. But it doesn't mean you know it all.
Written on: January 22, 2008
Tell me how to cope as I feel its hands seep into my heart, manipulating my very emotions. I've sought the reason behind this pain I feel upon every morning. I don't know why when I know very well I cannot feed myself any reason that will satisfy the logic behind my emotions.
I can feel the little changes triggering within me with every light change I've managed to invest in myself; none ever seems to lead to a positive note. I had recently given up writing... Feeling that this repetitive cycle was too painful for a few mere words to relieve... It was a slow decline in posts... And now it's resulted in more mental blocks as I release each thought as soon as it comes. My days are separated with little definition, they fade into a ball of pain in which I cannot tell where it begins and where it leads. I do seem capable of making out that there is no near end.
It was the painful mornings that get to me the most. To dilute the pain, I would attempt to dismiss it as soon as the feeling eases. I only know that there was pain every morning, I am not able to define it. I don't wish to recall what hurts everyday or what I experience. Memory is what emphasizes pain.
It's become blurred, yet at the same time, it remains sharp. Somewhere within me, I still feel it, it hurts... I just can't find it. But I will be reminded as soon as it hits again... And I'm sure with me documenting it now, it will become more distinct with time. So why do I write then? None of the pain has actually faded, it has simply resulted in mental blocks and more issues.
I dreamt that I was in the presence of both my grandmas that had passed away. I showed them my palm and started crying. My health line had a deep blood clot that wouldn't move. "Though it doesn't kill me, it consumes my soul. I can't live." They stood there without a word and watched as I pleaded. I woke to the sun shining, yet it only added reason for my unhappiness... I can't enjoy everything for it's true worth.
They look at me and think I'm free, not knowing what I feel everyday they make assumptions through what they see. Little do they know I'm a prisoner in my own body.
It's been 5 years of mine experiencing more and more, I don't know how much more I can take. All these typical problems people tell me regarding friends and what not... It's garbage to me. There's more out there yet people choose to surround themselves with obstacles to happiness. Unless it's a rare case, you can't expect me to share a tear with you.
There's only two things that make me smile inside right now.
I can feel the little changes triggering within me with every light change I've managed to invest in myself; none ever seems to lead to a positive note. I had recently given up writing... Feeling that this repetitive cycle was too painful for a few mere words to relieve... It was a slow decline in posts... And now it's resulted in more mental blocks as I release each thought as soon as it comes. My days are separated with little definition, they fade into a ball of pain in which I cannot tell where it begins and where it leads. I do seem capable of making out that there is no near end.
It was the painful mornings that get to me the most. To dilute the pain, I would attempt to dismiss it as soon as the feeling eases. I only know that there was pain every morning, I am not able to define it. I don't wish to recall what hurts everyday or what I experience. Memory is what emphasizes pain.
It's become blurred, yet at the same time, it remains sharp. Somewhere within me, I still feel it, it hurts... I just can't find it. But I will be reminded as soon as it hits again... And I'm sure with me documenting it now, it will become more distinct with time. So why do I write then? None of the pain has actually faded, it has simply resulted in mental blocks and more issues.
I dreamt that I was in the presence of both my grandmas that had passed away. I showed them my palm and started crying. My health line had a deep blood clot that wouldn't move. "Though it doesn't kill me, it consumes my soul. I can't live." They stood there without a word and watched as I pleaded. I woke to the sun shining, yet it only added reason for my unhappiness... I can't enjoy everything for it's true worth.
They look at me and think I'm free, not knowing what I feel everyday they make assumptions through what they see. Little do they know I'm a prisoner in my own body.
It's been 5 years of mine experiencing more and more, I don't know how much more I can take. All these typical problems people tell me regarding friends and what not... It's garbage to me. There's more out there yet people choose to surround themselves with obstacles to happiness. Unless it's a rare case, you can't expect me to share a tear with you.
There's only two things that make me smile inside right now.
Written on: January 7, 2008
Feeling a bit better right now. The more I look into Vancouver, the more I begin to feel that I deserve to be happy. In the midst of all those materialistic girls who showcase their false riches whenever they can, and all those repetitive guys who dress in the same clothes they define as fashion simply because of it's price tag, I start to feel like... I can do more. And if I can believe that, I feel more motivated to put it to action.
jan 10 / 8:18am -
I couldn't sleep Monday night, or should I refer to it as Tuesday's morning. I was exhausted yet my body was acting strange. I felt a bit ill yet restless. I had a peppery feeling in my throat that was causing me to continously cough. By 5am that general ill feeling really began to set in. Each minute I seemed to be getting worse, but it wasn't until 6am that the flood of other symptoms seemed to hit me. I was nauseated, incredibly hot within my throat, sweating like crazy, head pounding, soreness kicking in at its greatest, joints were so sore they felt bruised, intense coughing, and the typical runny nose. With the little energy I had, I put on another sweater, rubbed ointment medicine on and took a gravol. I settled into bed at some point and within that time to around 11am, I was delusional, I didn't know what was going on.
I couldn't sleep cause my throat felt like it was burning up. I had to constantly get up to drink water, I have so many empty water bottles around my room. It was so hot that even exhaling through my nose was painful cause the hot air would sting. I'm not a fan of medicine, I usually go without it... But I can't tell you how ill I felt, I just kept downing medicine. I was sweating so much as well, I had to take 3 showers that one day. Time seemed to pass by even more slow for me. I would be so certain it's been an hour, and it has only been 3 minutes. I was in a different state or something. That night I had to put water under my nose to cool it down. My neck continued to sweat like crazy.
By Wednesday morning, it looked as if I've been sick for a week. My abs stung so much when I coughed that I would actually try to refrain from coughing by all means. My nose was super red and dry already. I tried to get out of bed to go to the washroom and I felt super dazed and dizzy. The heat inside me was getting so intense I almost fainted. Seriously, I felt like I was going to die at one point. I'm not a fan of doctors for colds either, but I was getting worried and couldn't deal with the pain.
My sister took me to the doctors which we waited 40 mins for, can you imagine how long that felt to me!! All those chinese patients didn't even look that sick, only one seemed to need it. The rest was what seemed to be a minor cough... Maybe I was just grumpy, cause I was in such pain and they were able to sustain a conversation with one another. I could barely talk without wanting to puke. Finally when I got in, I explained to the doctor what I felt... And he asked, how long have you been this sick? "A day and a half", his eyes widened and he said and you got all these symptoms in less than 2 days? He studies me and then concludes that I have a really bad germ infection in my lung. He gives me these 8$ per pill prescription and tells me I should be back to normal by tomorrow, if not, I may have to go to emergency.
Once I left his office which was in the mall, I started puking in the garbage can outside, located in the middle of the hall! Everyone was starring yet I couldn't stop puking. I hadn't even ate yet, so it wasn't the greatest feeling. When I got home, I took another gravol and when I thought I wouldn't puke anymore, I took the pill. It cooled down my neck area so that I was able to sleep! But next thing you know, I woke up and just started puking. I even puked on my bed cause I missed the bag. I was so delusional still that I just put a napkin over it and went back to bed, hahah. Other than my throat cooling down, I still feel 50% of the other symptoms so I'm guessing mine is just going to take longer to heal, not that it's not working?
I'm sooo sore still. It's x 10 of what I usually already feel and my abs are hurting like crazy... It even hurts to walk 0_o
1:48am - ='[
January 13 - I'm still as sick... With who knows what.
January 16 - Why is it that for the past 3 Januarys I've been getting extremely sick with something out of the ordinary (that's not a simple cold I mean)?
I'm still unwell, though most of my symptoms have faded away, there's this weakness in my heart that makes me feel nauseated... Even more so! My solution was to eat more, strengthen up my body and rid that weakness. Cept my stomach will hurt an hour later and then my heart feels weaker trying to tolerate the pain. Also, my legs get EXTREMELY tired just walking up one floor.
It seems as if it's been TOO long... And in some ways, it really is. More time spent on feeling unwell!? This was the new year, the new start! I just managed my first class of the semester and I get that sick right after?
jan 10 / 8:18am -
I couldn't sleep Monday night, or should I refer to it as Tuesday's morning. I was exhausted yet my body was acting strange. I felt a bit ill yet restless. I had a peppery feeling in my throat that was causing me to continously cough. By 5am that general ill feeling really began to set in. Each minute I seemed to be getting worse, but it wasn't until 6am that the flood of other symptoms seemed to hit me. I was nauseated, incredibly hot within my throat, sweating like crazy, head pounding, soreness kicking in at its greatest, joints were so sore they felt bruised, intense coughing, and the typical runny nose. With the little energy I had, I put on another sweater, rubbed ointment medicine on and took a gravol. I settled into bed at some point and within that time to around 11am, I was delusional, I didn't know what was going on.
I couldn't sleep cause my throat felt like it was burning up. I had to constantly get up to drink water, I have so many empty water bottles around my room. It was so hot that even exhaling through my nose was painful cause the hot air would sting. I'm not a fan of medicine, I usually go without it... But I can't tell you how ill I felt, I just kept downing medicine. I was sweating so much as well, I had to take 3 showers that one day. Time seemed to pass by even more slow for me. I would be so certain it's been an hour, and it has only been 3 minutes. I was in a different state or something. That night I had to put water under my nose to cool it down. My neck continued to sweat like crazy.
By Wednesday morning, it looked as if I've been sick for a week. My abs stung so much when I coughed that I would actually try to refrain from coughing by all means. My nose was super red and dry already. I tried to get out of bed to go to the washroom and I felt super dazed and dizzy. The heat inside me was getting so intense I almost fainted. Seriously, I felt like I was going to die at one point. I'm not a fan of doctors for colds either, but I was getting worried and couldn't deal with the pain.
My sister took me to the doctors which we waited 40 mins for, can you imagine how long that felt to me!! All those chinese patients didn't even look that sick, only one seemed to need it. The rest was what seemed to be a minor cough... Maybe I was just grumpy, cause I was in such pain and they were able to sustain a conversation with one another. I could barely talk without wanting to puke. Finally when I got in, I explained to the doctor what I felt... And he asked, how long have you been this sick? "A day and a half", his eyes widened and he said and you got all these symptoms in less than 2 days? He studies me and then concludes that I have a really bad germ infection in my lung. He gives me these 8$ per pill prescription and tells me I should be back to normal by tomorrow, if not, I may have to go to emergency.
Once I left his office which was in the mall, I started puking in the garbage can outside, located in the middle of the hall! Everyone was starring yet I couldn't stop puking. I hadn't even ate yet, so it wasn't the greatest feeling. When I got home, I took another gravol and when I thought I wouldn't puke anymore, I took the pill. It cooled down my neck area so that I was able to sleep! But next thing you know, I woke up and just started puking. I even puked on my bed cause I missed the bag. I was so delusional still that I just put a napkin over it and went back to bed, hahah. Other than my throat cooling down, I still feel 50% of the other symptoms so I'm guessing mine is just going to take longer to heal, not that it's not working?
I'm sooo sore still. It's x 10 of what I usually already feel and my abs are hurting like crazy... It even hurts to walk 0_o
1:48am - ='[
January 13 - I'm still as sick... With who knows what.
January 16 - Why is it that for the past 3 Januarys I've been getting extremely sick with something out of the ordinary (that's not a simple cold I mean)?
I'm still unwell, though most of my symptoms have faded away, there's this weakness in my heart that makes me feel nauseated... Even more so! My solution was to eat more, strengthen up my body and rid that weakness. Cept my stomach will hurt an hour later and then my heart feels weaker trying to tolerate the pain. Also, my legs get EXTREMELY tired just walking up one floor.
It seems as if it's been TOO long... And in some ways, it really is. More time spent on feeling unwell!? This was the new year, the new start! I just managed my first class of the semester and I get that sick right after?
Written on: January 6, 2008
What does it take.... Honestly, what does it take... Losing the little I had to push myself. I'm waking everyday now feeling extremely depressed. Constant fluctuations, can't even rely on my mood to reflect of any truth to how I "really" feel. It's as if I'm not given the choice to decide what I want to decide, it's forced upon me and I'm to deal with it like a prisoner. I get little breaks now and then and in those brief moments, I don't feel depressed anymore... But the pathetic thing is... Nor do I feel happy either. My moods are either depressive or unhappy. And I snap. My patience has gone from bad in the prior state to horrible. I snap so quick it now takes me a while to realize what I just did. There isn't even that moment of annoyance seeping through from someone where you frown and grut your teeth to refrain from speaking. I yell... And then I frown when I realize I was just aggravated. I don't feel like writing much anymore... I usually find myself just sitting there, feeling the days symptoms run through me. From nausea to headaches to aches all over. I'm cranky and the only thing that seems to soothe me mentally is to CONSTANTLY have stuff going on. I like that feeling where it feels like I've accomplished something... Even if they're not my true goals... I just feel so far from it that I've resorted to using them as if they were the scraps of food that keep my soul from starving. Memory is getting better in one area, slipping in the others. I can now recall numbers with better accuracy, but words take longer for me to grasp. I'm trying to reassure myself that it's because of my lack of posts lately.
Years later I still ask the same question, how does one push their will if the essence of it is being attacked at it's source as well. If you can't control much of what you feel, how can you convince your will there's a reason to try when you feel everything is pointless. Is it still a considered a fight of obstacles and the perserverance to overcome them? Just a harder one that gives little rest? Or have you already lost and haven't even realized.. I mean your moods are hardly under your command anymore. I guess you keep pushing the little bit that you do have.
A few days prior to New Years, a thought ran through my head, I thought "the past has forsaken you, the future awaits you." It became quite apparent to me that my means of using memories to remind myself how I wanted to feel like how I was in my younger days had became a weapon against myself. Instead of motivating me, my depressive moods twisted it until I saw as a reason for being sadder that I wasnt like that anymore. I then thought, if the past no longer wishes to return to me, why don't I create something in the hands of the future which welcomes me? Actually, that's a bit exaggerated... But it does give me more chances than the past. So, I tried to strip myself from these bad habits... And now... A week later... I'm reminded again that no matter what thoughts I hold, it doesn't do anything because my body feels like shit and doesn't feel like learning right now.
If I can achieve a difference within myself... There would be a great difference in the outcome of how I feel. If I can achieve a better difference in the outside factors, there would also be an improved difference in how I feel within... It may be enough to break through those tough barriers guarding my moods enough to give my will fuel to see a point in trying again. Everythings a cycle and it's going counterclockwise right now.
Sigh, I'm so grumpy that it hurts. ='(
