I keep thinking that if I am able to answer the question to this conflict, I would be able achieve peace of mind to endure whatever it has to challenge me with. It's almost like a protection from feeling guilt... Because really, that's what I feel day in and day out. That, and of course uselessness.
In the minds of many, any limitations and barriers that are imposed by our health is seen as separate from our "true" selves. If you have a cold, this cold is hardly included in the mental make-up of you. It's seen as temporary and soon enough, you'll be back to your regular self. So what happens when there is a health impairment that is able to reach into the core of your emotions? What about those that is able restrict your energy flow or even some that manages to manipulate the brain chemistry in your head? I was thinking to myself, wondering at what point it is safe to identify a certain part as coming from me ( fault and all ) and that which is not decided by me? It's as if you're working in partnership with bad health as the main owner, it doesn't tell you what actions it just decided on, it doesn't give you much of a heads up, but it keeps an eye on your moves and decides accordingly... It's frustrating to say the least.
All I can seem to do is read of horoscopes about myself and think of how I used to be to keep that sense of myself alive. I can only say it's there through memory and a feeling of internal yearning.
If you're unable to differentiate yourself from another factor that's affecting you, how would you be able to attend to it to tackle it down. Doing it with mental strength may only cause you to fail inevitably, creating a feeling of guilt and blame upon yourself. I should also say that believing it is all on health would also cause you to fall back to some degree. You begin to feel helpless and all.
The dull ache invades my mind a little more... My thoughts feel restricted... It's as if I'm being punished to think. And yet, I continue to try just because I'm rebellious. The nausea sinks a little deeper within my stomach. I've been popping gravols everyday for the past week. In a little while, the medicine will kick in and all the pain will ease away and I'll fall asleep to face another day of chance that it will just go away for no apparent reasons.
Opinated Thought:
I was doing a small quiz to distract myself... And one of the more typical questions it asked was, would you rather be: a) happy b) rich c) famous d) loved. I just never understood the point of these questions. Why would anyone pick anything other than happy? Cause if you were anything else and unhappy, wouldn't that defeat the purpose? The goal of everything we do is to seek ultimate happiness. In regards to my situation right now, I wouldn't mind all of this so much, if the mental/emotional aspect was left alone and I still held a chance of feeling happy. What would it matter if I felt physical pain if I felt happy emotionally? It's everything. Though, physical pain can cause you to feel emotionally down as well... It takes more to distract you from it.
I've been taking extra effort to avoid finding myself in this utter silence that I am in now. The silence that invites my mind to ponder on things that will inevitably bring about a feeling of anxiety. What if this never goes away... What if the rest of my life would be spent living half a life.
11:36 / My task right now is to find a happiness great enough that can pass the heightened qualifications my mind has set.
Written on: November 28, 2007
Written on: November 19, 2007
4:15pm / november 26 2007
7:50am / It scares me.
As morning was approaching, I was attacked by yet another realistic dream. It seems as if these dreams are acting as my psychiatrist, attempting to draw conclusions I somehow manage to miss in my conscious hours.
In the dream:
I was waking up in the early morn and Candy was sleeping over. The bed was arranged near the window and I got up to peer outside. It accidentally woke her up so I explained that I liked to wake up early to listen to the secluded sounds that only the morning can offer... The morning allows me to see much farther in my thoughts and motivates me... Of course this is only when my body can keep up and I'm well rested enough. That day I woke up with more urgency just so that I may accompany the sounds of the garbage trucks and birds with the sights... I felt more in need of clarity than usual.
She looked at me and laughed saying I was weird but then she noticed that I was in my own little world... I was in a state of sadness where progression seemed to have no role in. I snapped out of it suddenly and asked if she wanted to go for ice cream. She said it doesn't matter. Then it hit me, "I have to go to (high) school to take my chinese exam." My failures are heightened and emphasized in my dreams... They constantly repeat themselves like a scar that remains visible years after its immediate damage. "Oh shit, really? When is it?" I sighed with hesitation and said, "I don't know... later in the afternoon. I haven't even gone to any of my classes and I withdrawled from another." She asked me "why" and I thought for a second and then said the following before I understood what I was saying - "The concern isn't even on my ability to see out these tasks anymore, health wise I mean... The problem is I can no longer feel or see the purpose to. With this being felt, how can I even motivate myself any further. You're already done school as is many others... Most of the other people who aren't done, don't care or they're in programs that require less time. But I'm none of these people and in regards to the carefree ones who could care less, but I care. And while they're abusing their advantages... I'm struggling with this everyday. I'm not used to it dude... I'm not used to being the one who is behind, who is incompetent... It's seemed to have taken over my life. I need something new, somewhere for me to go that grants success and peace of mind. I'm lying to myself whenever I open my psychology books now. I don't feel it, I don't see it. It isn't worth it to me."
Before she had time to respond I changed the subject to ease the anxiety I felt. "So when can you go for ice cream?" "It doesn't matter, whenever is fine, I don't have to do anything. But don't you have to do your test?" I was pushed back into my state and then again without knowing what I was saying, I told her, "Yah, but I just like to force myself to feel as if I don't care about something I do care about when I can't find any answers. I try to feel as if I'm a slacker and that that's the reasons for all my failures... Cause slackers wouldn't care right...? Slackers wouldn't care...."
I jumped up to go to the washroom first and told her I need to pee and to wait for me to finish. Instead of using the washroom though, I started cleaning. I cleaned the toilet then I cleaned the sink. She jokingly asked if I was cleaning and I said yes, she asked why and I told her, "I don't know?" The first question I had no answer to. I know partially it was my desire to always be doing something, but the larger reason at that time remained unanswered. I saw my MAC powder brush in there that I hardly use and I placed it in the garbage. I kept reconsidering and finally she came in and asked me why I threw it away. I stared at it, picked it up and said: "I always try to force progression and ease the feeling of remaining stuck in the place that I am by limiting the sense that I am held back in any way. I want everything around me to hold a purpose... I need progresson, purpose and freedom. I don't feel much of it in my life (health in regards to freedom), so I attempt to feel little doses of these by throwing away to provoke this feeling within me since life was leaving me absent of it." I dusted off the dirt on my MAC brush and then said: "If I keep doing this though... I'm going to dispose all those quality things that motivate me in life as well...."
At this point I woke up, still feeling as frantic knowing I had to do a chinese test later. My thoughts kept running on the same fuel, "Why did I continue doing chinese, I'm just screwing myself over. I don't remember anything about it, is there any point going in?" Anxiety had me locked in as I rushed to the washroom, refilled the soap dispenser and then started cleaning the sink. I cleaned until the stainless silver was reflective and bright. At that moment I stepped back to realize, "I clean because it reinstates what I want to see in the future...." Somewhere within everything are little keys to my dreams, reminding and provoking me, yet causing a mess of feelings within me. A clean place isn't just clean for me, it marks success for me as well. Finally, I woke up enough to know that I'm not taking any classes in chinese anymore, and I'm not still in high school... But all the other conclusions stuck sharply within me. It's point was so evident that it hurt to realize.
7:50am / It scares me.
As morning was approaching, I was attacked by yet another realistic dream. It seems as if these dreams are acting as my psychiatrist, attempting to draw conclusions I somehow manage to miss in my conscious hours.
In the dream:
I was waking up in the early morn and Candy was sleeping over. The bed was arranged near the window and I got up to peer outside. It accidentally woke her up so I explained that I liked to wake up early to listen to the secluded sounds that only the morning can offer... The morning allows me to see much farther in my thoughts and motivates me... Of course this is only when my body can keep up and I'm well rested enough. That day I woke up with more urgency just so that I may accompany the sounds of the garbage trucks and birds with the sights... I felt more in need of clarity than usual.
She looked at me and laughed saying I was weird but then she noticed that I was in my own little world... I was in a state of sadness where progression seemed to have no role in. I snapped out of it suddenly and asked if she wanted to go for ice cream. She said it doesn't matter. Then it hit me, "I have to go to (high) school to take my chinese exam." My failures are heightened and emphasized in my dreams... They constantly repeat themselves like a scar that remains visible years after its immediate damage. "Oh shit, really? When is it?" I sighed with hesitation and said, "I don't know... later in the afternoon. I haven't even gone to any of my classes and I withdrawled from another." She asked me "why" and I thought for a second and then said the following before I understood what I was saying - "The concern isn't even on my ability to see out these tasks anymore, health wise I mean... The problem is I can no longer feel or see the purpose to. With this being felt, how can I even motivate myself any further. You're already done school as is many others... Most of the other people who aren't done, don't care or they're in programs that require less time. But I'm none of these people and in regards to the carefree ones who could care less, but I care. And while they're abusing their advantages... I'm struggling with this everyday. I'm not used to it dude... I'm not used to being the one who is behind, who is incompetent... It's seemed to have taken over my life. I need something new, somewhere for me to go that grants success and peace of mind. I'm lying to myself whenever I open my psychology books now. I don't feel it, I don't see it. It isn't worth it to me."
Before she had time to respond I changed the subject to ease the anxiety I felt. "So when can you go for ice cream?" "It doesn't matter, whenever is fine, I don't have to do anything. But don't you have to do your test?" I was pushed back into my state and then again without knowing what I was saying, I told her, "Yah, but I just like to force myself to feel as if I don't care about something I do care about when I can't find any answers. I try to feel as if I'm a slacker and that that's the reasons for all my failures... Cause slackers wouldn't care right...? Slackers wouldn't care...."
I jumped up to go to the washroom first and told her I need to pee and to wait for me to finish. Instead of using the washroom though, I started cleaning. I cleaned the toilet then I cleaned the sink. She jokingly asked if I was cleaning and I said yes, she asked why and I told her, "I don't know?" The first question I had no answer to. I know partially it was my desire to always be doing something, but the larger reason at that time remained unanswered. I saw my MAC powder brush in there that I hardly use and I placed it in the garbage. I kept reconsidering and finally she came in and asked me why I threw it away. I stared at it, picked it up and said: "I always try to force progression and ease the feeling of remaining stuck in the place that I am by limiting the sense that I am held back in any way. I want everything around me to hold a purpose... I need progresson, purpose and freedom. I don't feel much of it in my life (health in regards to freedom), so I attempt to feel little doses of these by throwing away to provoke this feeling within me since life was leaving me absent of it." I dusted off the dirt on my MAC brush and then said: "If I keep doing this though... I'm going to dispose all those quality things that motivate me in life as well...."
At this point I woke up, still feeling as frantic knowing I had to do a chinese test later. My thoughts kept running on the same fuel, "Why did I continue doing chinese, I'm just screwing myself over. I don't remember anything about it, is there any point going in?" Anxiety had me locked in as I rushed to the washroom, refilled the soap dispenser and then started cleaning the sink. I cleaned until the stainless silver was reflective and bright. At that moment I stepped back to realize, "I clean because it reinstates what I want to see in the future...." Somewhere within everything are little keys to my dreams, reminding and provoking me, yet causing a mess of feelings within me. A clean place isn't just clean for me, it marks success for me as well. Finally, I woke up enough to know that I'm not taking any classes in chinese anymore, and I'm not still in high school... But all the other conclusions stuck sharply within me. It's point was so evident that it hurt to realize.
Written on: November 12, 2007
I was playing an all-or-nothing type of game. I don't really care about the benefits someone else has, cause what does it really matter? At the end of the day, it's still not my mine. I rather get my own that will be with me whereever I go.
November 16 - With my term project hardly underway and my mind still heavily fogged, I'm beginning to foresee a problem in the upcoming months. I cannot simply neglect everything without consequence when my brain or body doesn't feel fit. Yet, it's also not as if I have much choice. My care sways, constantly battling the mental stress and the feeling of helplessness by becoming nonchalant at times. Nevertheless, I know the problem will remain even if I refuse to give it attention... My mind aches; deprieved of oxygen and no matter how much chocolate or air I give myself, it isn't lifting.
People always speak of discovering yourself and finding who you are. I find my struggle is more concentrated at being able to feel and express who I am through actions. I've done my share of thoughts and actions don't see to run parallel to them... Not that it contradicts, but that I haven't always the energy to conduct them.
I'm not one who likes to sit and be defeated. I find that when I can get myself out there, I am able to gain control over most things, but usually I lack the energy to even feel the motivation to do so.
Written on: November 3, 2007
Expressive/Reflective
Disruptive dreams.
2:30am / From these fingertips seeps urgency transformed into words of necessity.
Vague feelings of discomfort now hold meaning and meaning provides temporary
comfort. But I wonder now... Is this the farthest my fingertips will ever reach?
7:01pm / I'm too tired to go out, yet this feeling of unhappiness and dissatisfaction lingers within me, preventing me from being able to get any sleep. I'm trapped in this state that seems to force me into a feeling of helplessness. As if everything weren't conflicted enough, I've also developed a new problem; I can't stand being without something to do aka restlessness. Everything needs to hold a direct purpose almost. This can explain my lack of entries nowadays... Most of my blog has gone from writing of various topics to simply reinstating the feelings that seem to fall upon me inevitably. From the moment I awake now, I seem to have to be constantly doing something to soothe this restlessness in me that can easily reach the stages of an anxiety attack.
Well, in other news, I got 98% on my recent written exam. :)
And you know... I'm started to reallly see how my page is portrayed.... A site full of "complex shit w/ 'topic of the day'" (Candy Wong). And one which you stroll by to when you feel like "reading [a lot]" (Charisse Ang). You know what? F*** you guys okay? hahaha And FYI Candy Wong, I write my thoughts just like you, it's not my fault your thoughts are about your msn conversations!! Hahah
For Candy, heres a "topic of the day" for you! Abortions.
This isn't the general post of whether it's ethical to have an abortion or not. Rather, it's targeted towards those who... Don't? A lot of young adults are having babies nowadays yet still don't feel compelled to abandon their hardcore social lives, aka sleeping around, clubbing, drinking, staying out til late hours of the night. Most of them don't even have stable boyfriends nor do they seem to fret.
Now this is my question... Why is it that these girls who seem to hold little concern for the way they live their life... Seem to oppose abortions? It doesn't seem to make sense when I see these girls who lack discipline suddenly hold a strong opinion in opposing it? And then it hits me... Is it just because they're too LAZY to have an abortion? It makes sense when you think of how they take care of their child. Almost seems as if they're nonexistant. I don't understand what's stopping them, as bad as it sounds, that seems like the only "logical" reason I can find. If you are going to favor life, then give your child a chance to live, not just to exist.
Disruptive dreams.
2:30am / From these fingertips seeps urgency transformed into words of necessity.
Vague feelings of discomfort now hold meaning and meaning provides temporary
comfort. But I wonder now... Is this the farthest my fingertips will ever reach?
7:01pm / I'm too tired to go out, yet this feeling of unhappiness and dissatisfaction lingers within me, preventing me from being able to get any sleep. I'm trapped in this state that seems to force me into a feeling of helplessness. As if everything weren't conflicted enough, I've also developed a new problem; I can't stand being without something to do aka restlessness. Everything needs to hold a direct purpose almost. This can explain my lack of entries nowadays... Most of my blog has gone from writing of various topics to simply reinstating the feelings that seem to fall upon me inevitably. From the moment I awake now, I seem to have to be constantly doing something to soothe this restlessness in me that can easily reach the stages of an anxiety attack.
Well, in other news, I got 98% on my recent written exam. :)
And you know... I'm started to reallly see how my page is portrayed.... A site full of "complex shit w/ 'topic of the day'" (Candy Wong). And one which you stroll by to when you feel like "reading [a lot]" (Charisse Ang). You know what? F*** you guys okay? hahaha And FYI Candy Wong, I write my thoughts just like you, it's not my fault your thoughts are about your msn conversations!! Hahah
For Candy, heres a "topic of the day" for you! Abortions.
This isn't the general post of whether it's ethical to have an abortion or not. Rather, it's targeted towards those who... Don't? A lot of young adults are having babies nowadays yet still don't feel compelled to abandon their hardcore social lives, aka sleeping around, clubbing, drinking, staying out til late hours of the night. Most of them don't even have stable boyfriends nor do they seem to fret.
Now this is my question... Why is it that these girls who seem to hold little concern for the way they live their life... Seem to oppose abortions? It doesn't seem to make sense when I see these girls who lack discipline suddenly hold a strong opinion in opposing it? And then it hits me... Is it just because they're too LAZY to have an abortion? It makes sense when you think of how they take care of their child. Almost seems as if they're nonexistant. I don't understand what's stopping them, as bad as it sounds, that seems like the only "logical" reason I can find. If you are going to favor life, then give your child a chance to live, not just to exist.
