Within this silence lies the language of insanity.

The seconds, hours and days have been stripped of change. There is no longer a way to differentiate one day from the next as I sit feeling trapped within the comfort of these walls. What was once my friend has become my only enemy. This silence has seeped within my mind, overwhelming all other senses. At times I find it harder to hear the voices of others. I look upon the world from a place three steps back within me... Sudden realizations take place where I suddenly am aware of what I'm doing. It makes me wonder, where was I before this awareness took place? Is it safe to say that for those moments I really did not exist at all?

I smile to the world and frown on my own. I feel frustrated - these arms of mine seem too weak to hold myself together. Life has forced me into a fear of believing change is never actual unless it's negative. The happier I feel one day, the more energy I use and the harder I will come to falling into the many other days. I wouldn't have used the term "naive" to describe myself before, but it seems to be one that perfectly describes my inability to learn once and for all. Like a lab rat who can't stop reaching for the cheese despite incoming shock... 

But perhaps it isn't that the lab rat is so dumb that it cannot put one and one together... But that it feels that life isn't worth living if it cannot hold that we it desires so heavy heartily for.

In that aspect, me and him are no different.

Time is marked by change, without this, nothing within its reach truly ages.










11:52am/ And it continues to drag...

Is it safe to say the entirety of fault rests upon my hands? Have I welcomed these occurances through the invitation of my own flaws and weakenesses? Or are they present from the weakness of my health?

I've experienced the constant fluctuations, the habitual cycle of it's way that pound at my sanity... Yet, at the end of it, I feel that if I cannot take blame for it, it would mean that little of myself remains within... For these tendencies, whoever it may belong to, seems to have touched into many aspects of my life.

If even these moods are not mine to hold, what part of me should remain?


At first, I was ecstatic. It's not how far behind you are, it's the fact of whether you can intiate progression that will eventually take you to where you need to be... Let it be slow or not. The ability to indulge into the books I had yearned so bad to open... The books I was without all those previous years where I was forced to put a large part of myself on hold... I finally got them while most were just about to close theirs. No matter, I try to visualize myself as a lone venturer - it prevents me from feeling left behind. But who would of known that as time went on, change was still so far from my reach and my agony was to be re-experienced at a worser degree. I think that's what gets me the most, I had control before and still got a bigger dose of it to handle... I don't have control anymore, I'm merely trying to sustain.

I'm pulling out on the course I started out with such eagerness. I was attentive in class and tried to go to all my classes. In the beginning I was more successful... But as time went on, my energy was being used but seldom restored. I crashed again. First it was a week's absent, then I would try to fix it and got everything together again. Then it became a month. Next, it became a test... I could not get my body to cooperate with me to finish my studies. I'm the type of person ( I believe ) that will do what needs to be done, even if I don't do it in the same way as others. I should of saw it coming when I experienced worse moods and increase in the variety and severity in my annoying symptoms... But I just want to get it done since I started it. If it worsens more I know I will just crash on everything altogether and force myself to become nonchalant to protect the fact that I care. I don't even know what I do care about anymore.

I was always a person who hated incompetence, failure, weaknesses and emotional bs. Suddenly, I'm just that and I can't seem to get a hold on myself. I try my best to disicpline myself in certain matters, yet despite all the torturous efforts on my mind to instill these lessons, it seems to amount to nothing as I see myself in a worsened or similar place in life. It's been a long time. I feel as if my soul has been brutually beatened... There's lessons here... But after drawing up so many conclusions and what nots from the past... What does it matter what you've think you've learned or what you've established if you can't transform these lessons into actual changes around you.

november 03 / 3:36am - Other Notes of Interest




Full version:

http://www.cmu.edu/homepage/multimedia/randy-pausch-lecture.shtml

Saturday night's dinner party at Sun Wai Wah.
Anna and I arrived late due to some ... circumstances. Haha When we go there, 2 hours into the party, most the guys were all pissed drunk.


Diep: "ALCOHOL!!"

Phil: "No man, you don't want that stuff"

"See, the trick is just to drink water, cause it looks like vodka!"

"There you go, see now you can just pretend youre drunk and not have to go through the pain of drinking!"

- Posers 101!

Yep, that's what I do, I take random pictures at parties and piece stories together haha


Diep performing his dance for us

It was very graceful

Countless upside down keg drinking - they knocked over the keg too at one point, resulting in ice everywhere







Dinner tables were trashed. Glasses broken, food toppled over ( which really pissed me off ). Chairs were knocked down as well. They cleared our tables so fast so that we won't make a mess... It didn't seem like anyone was eating anyway... EXCEPT ME AND ANNA :(

The pretty 3 layered cake comes out. You may be wondering why I don't have any pictures of that. Shortfly after singing happy birthday, actually I don't even think we finished, one of the birthday boys comes out drunk and stumbles onto the cake and knocks it over. More wasted food!! The waiters/waitresses were horrified.



On top of this was many whipped cream pies being thrown in their faces

I think I only ate a bowl of chao fan and dessert. Such a waste!





A shovel was brought in to clean the mess up

There were holes punched into the walls, dishes broken... One of the guy's hands was dripping with blood, don't know why. I believe most of them could control themselves if they really had to, they just wanted to use the excuse of alcohol. Why? How come in the midst of all this, nobody even touched the dj table in the busy pathway? Nobody even knocked OVER the glass of water stupidly placed near the mess of electrical outlets? Yet, they manage to knock over things huge enough to avoid? (See below):


DJ from the beat ( Can you tell I am harsh the grandma at this party? )


Me and Brendan with my fantastic self taking picture skills. I black and whited it so you don't look as drunk :)



Brendan puking in the entrance fountain... WTF?


Rodney and some other dude I don't know - Remember how I like to make up stories? Well this one is self explanatory. :P

This was after he puked on the floor in various places at the restaurant.



Phil's shirt after the cake catastrophe and alcohol flying around. The cake was so big that the cake exploded on people

The restaurant was rented until 12. But the party was done at 9:30. That's how messed up everyone was. They took 500$ for damages too.

---

I'm going through something that doesn't seem to be relieved by time. On the contrary, time seems to bring out the true extent of it and stimulates the realization of its severity. All I can seem to do is listen to music to feel a grip on myself. But I swear, many times a day, I feel myself losing it. I dreamt of random things yesterday, nothing bizarre, everything seemed of the norm or at least not drastic. But strangely enough, that was one of my worst dreams I had in a while. Anxiety pounded at me.

october 24 / 6:20pm
Can someone force these clouds to disperse from my head? Can someone lend me their strength for the time being because I've seemed to misplace mine.

Animal Rights

In class recently, we were shown four case studies of animal research use. We were pretending to be a committee, authorizing or denying their requests on animal use.



The study was request from a school of veterinarians asking to be able to take dogs from the animal shelter ( after a certain period of time has pass where they're not claimed ), to operate on for practice surgery. Most of these dogs are healthy, some are in fact hurt. But their point is these animals are put down anyway and that they are just getting more use out of it that can benefit future animals. If they do not take them, they must raise 10 labortory purebreds which cost twice as much. Personally, I find both ways cruel.

I was arguing for the behalf of the classmates that sided with me, while the rest all spoke up against me. Their argument was they're going to kill 10 purebreds anyway, it's just lessening the amount of lives. I said, "I never said I agree to the 10 purebreds by the way. You're view is one or the other, I don't accept either one." They replied, "These animals are hurt anyway, theyre helping some of them! I said, "Most aren't hurt, and even if they do fix them, so what? They STILL kill them after." They send them back to the shelter to heal, simply to perform unnecessary surgery that will kill them this time, how is that fixing them?

Them: "Yah, but they're helping future animals! They will know how to perform surgery for those hurt! How would you feel if you brought in your pet to know that they can't perform a required surgery due to lack of experience or knowledge?

Me: You say that because you never view your own as being under the knife, always the sacriface of another. It's like picking favorites here. Though, THESE dogs may die anyway... My biggest problem is that many of these animals are going through emotional distress. They're either lost or strayed and captured and placed into cages. Putting them on the surgery table is just heightening their distress before killing them. THAT's my true problem. So what if they are to die anyway, it doesn't mean you can do whatever you want with them."


The side opposing me was getting so annoyed with me, hahaha. I could tell. But I feel like to each their own. If one should have the problem, they can take the chance to perform the surgery and learn (after being taught to the best extent possible of course). Isn't that what new surgeons must go through? But even this isn't for research, just PRACTICE surgery, meaning it's common enough that it's taught... So why not find another productive method like artificial yet realistic models or something that can be reused! Or having a skilled professional supervise them til they learn. Imagine humans continousely taking people from those of poorer countries to perfect surgery to be able to perform them on people in the better countries. "They're going to die anyway." Doesn't seem so right anymore does it. How is right to further their pain.

In the end, the class was divided perfectly in 2 sides, asians vs the whites hahaha I know, what a shocker. The stereotyped asians with their said lack of compassion for animals surprised everyone. The teacher had the siding vote and she agreed with me. :]

And as she said, there is another way.


Triggered Nightmare:

I saw a pregnant woman trying to give birth and screaming in pain. There was something wrong. Somehow the baby was pushed up under her rib cage near her heart. She wasn't going to make it. The husband sat beside her with other people not knowing what to do. Then the husband takes on the role to decide for her because she was in so much pain she couldn't speak for herself. He and others all dug their nails in between her rib cage and ripped her skin til it touched upon flesh. They were all doing this so fast that she hardly had time to realize what was happening. She kept hitting their hands away and screaming. They continued and tore her rib cage open and even removed her jaw to keep her from screaming. It happened so fast that she was still alive feeling all this. His thought was she won't live anyway, so might as well save the baby. At the end of the dream, she couldn't scream, but she stared up at me with blood stained eyes and a removed jaw and opened chest.

endure: remain firm under suffering without yielding

Perhaps more attention should be given to what remains the same rather than what has changed when looking for a solution.

---

When light offers more pain than does darkness.

He dreamt he was in hell - A white, lit room lacking of life. Clarity from the lighting enforced the certainty that there was nothing more than what can be seen, a room of little objects and little distractions to draw from his focus of thought. How he wished for the comfort of darkness at this time, for darkness would at least mask the clarity that was imposed upon him, allowing for at least the possibility to imagine more than mere nothingness. The room contained no windows or doors. Yet, the sound of howls from monsters and all sorts of evil managed to seep through. They scratched about, eager to get in at the smell of a living soul. Despite all this, what he feared was within him.

Whoever you are, whatever you remember yourself as, cannot be practiced here. Even when anxiety pushes you to the limits of insanity - which it will - you will still be forced to submit into idleness. There is nowhere for you to go, nothing for you to do, little to stimulate your senses. Within the protection of those secure walls and lights lies deception. It matters little that the monsters cannot get in. The true agony is shared between those walls and you.

The agony of existing simply to exist and nothing more.

You are stripped of purpose, need, and without an end. Time has no place here for change holds no purpose here.

Is it safe to say the fine line between hell and living is that living allows for the possibility of change? Therefore, torture in life has more meaning than simply to inflict pain?

I was able to express the sorrow of his dream better than he could.

Such aching familiarity...

After all these years, I am still within this white room. Even when I depart from my house, I'm still in it in my head. The feeling lingers within me and I can't seem to separate myself from it. I feel forever trapped.
At times, I see a flood of memories flash before me, I cannot tell whether my soul truly believes it's about to die or whether it is attempting to live through them. What I hold in the present seems almost as good as being nonexistant. The monsters scream in my sleep, deprieving me of any peace of mind or escape I may feel is possible. I'm now starting to believe that my own mind has set me up, that and everyone else. I feel insecure and lost, but worst of all, unloved and alone. I wonder why no one has heard my cries. Perhaps, I really am in hell... The lack of change seems to convince me.

---

So many thoughts are running through my mind. I just want to be in my own.

The most loyal change comes from within. It comes with you whereever you go.



I believe there are concrete answers, I believe in the chase of the superficial, I believe that everything combines to form a whole, and I aim to find the answers to reach that balance.

I'm not a bit of everything, I'm a lot of everything. :P

---

11:36pm - I've been sleeping well past 12+ hours a day this week. The minor exertion from the previous weeks have been getting to me. It seems I will be fine for one week, yet the resting period must kick in the next.

---

The sun peeks out from the mass of clouds... But its effects don't seem to touch upon me. Its light seems to fade off, its heat seems to be lost and shadows continue to lurk. Why is it that suddenly there is seemingly nothing beyond the here and now. Nothing's clear, nothing's apparent but uncertainty.

---

With no direction on life again, emotions seem to have no outlet as it surges recklessly throughout me.


If good was constantly and automatically rewarding, there would still be evil. Those who were doing good would be the evil ones, simply because they aren't doing it for the purpose of respect and the essence of good, but for the personal gain and rewards.

Just throwing it in there: Money isn't evil, it's the people behind it that are.



I was thinking the other day of how powerful humans are. We even have the power to choose whether we want to eat only vegetables, meat, or both. We have the power to think and open ourselves to choice. Thus, when people make selfish decisions, I seem to have a hard time offering much compassion when I can their thought processes aren't hard to read through. How are you going to tell me anything when I've spent hours thinking and attempting to keep myself disciplined by my beliefs? I'm not perfect but I do show frustration when I make a mistake. What about you?

---

"You guys will have a lot of similarities."

I no longer believe we do.
We face similar suppression from differing factors. We feel the sense of loneliness and emptiness. We struggle along and deal with our own share of bad cards being dealt.

But despite all this, I no longer believe we hold any similarities. As much as I repeatedly search for peace of mind to maintain my composure, I see you destroying everything your way and distorting mine as well. We do things differently, but we hold the same interests. Yet, one thing I can't get over is the way you treat me. I suppose that's one and only difference I can never agree to.

---

Response to comment (Writing it here because it's too long to be placed as a comment :P)

"Actions and decisions are neither good nor evil. They simply are. People are the ones who attach meaning to them."

Isn't that needless to be said? That's just digging deeper beyond the obvious that is being stated. Actions are nothing more than empty motions that are made to carry purpose. They are in THAT sense, capable of being bad or good. I find it unnecessary to state that terms are only defined by our personal "definition" or interpretation of it. Time for example, is largely based on our interpretation of it.

As for what you were saying regarding there being no such thing as good or evil. I thought about this before as well, our justifications is what makes it as it is. But beyond the obvious of when someones intent is purely selfish, let's bring another a more difficult example into perspective. Is killing animals for lab research evil or good? My view on matters in this is not as uptight as one may presume. I find that many people take on different roles in this world to make it more just. What I look for here is justification in reasoning.

In regards to the murders of people, it has always been wrong. My reasoning for that is everyone has the right to exist as another person does. A person always finds it easier to dismiss when the pain is another and not their own. I never stated that being bad is not part of history, I'm quite clear on the fact that it has been, I'm not new to it. But when did THAT ever make it okay? As long as there will be evil, there will be a continuous fight opposing it. Simply because it exists, doesn't make it tolerable. If anothers reason can offer a more rational justification, then I may submit. But the reality of it is, it is not the people who invest much time into thoughts that I tend to have a problem with, it's those who do not and lack a logical aspect in things. I stated in a previous entry that animals eat others on a typical basis, but I feel more compassion for them than humans because humans were given the mind of choice.

Now with your last paragraph, this is my perspective on it...

You say the use of gas brings about global warming and such and such. Some people are happier with it, some are not. Gas/cars falls into the category of superficialness and selfish needs for most people. Even if it was not created in that sense, materialism wants us wanting more. This is where you debate whether the good OUTWEIGHS the bad. Your attitude towards it is that each side has it's worth. Perhaps in third world countries, kids have less to tempt them, but the search for food is vastly limited. There isn't a fight for the much of society for they have nothing to fight over. Food is limited to everyone and money is unheard of. People here may be falling into an epidemic of depression due to the desire for more and more. Who knows. You're looking at the world at large, which usually amounts to nothing being done and everything being stated. What I am aiming for is those who just attempt to change what they can.

So in all this, lies my vague interpretation of the definition of good... It's the power of reasoning which humans hold the great capability of. Stating the obvious that evil exists will make me accept it no more than I already do, I oppose it not because I don't believe in it, but because I don't agree to it.

You know that feeling when you do something embarrassing like breaking down in public and in front of everyone you know and waking up the next day KNOWING people are going to ask you about it and you don't want to even think about it... Or the feeling of saying something mean about someone and them being behind you? Or even something more innocent but you don't know how to react and you feel extremely naked and vulnerable.

Well, I've been waking up with that feeling everyday for a while now. I would panic thinking how to make things back to normal. It would freak me out so much that I think what I did in my dream was real that it would wake me up... With the same feeling still that lingers about for a good while. I could of swore I did something yesterday that provoked this feeling... But I'm not sure what it is. I think I feel vulnerable when showing my feelings or leaking things out... Like I said I feel better being more self-contained and expressing only when I absolutely feel the need to. But usually I wouldn't feel THIS naked. I don't know why I keep dreaming things like this at the end of my sleep.

---

I hate the anxiety I feel upon each wakening, it brings out the worst of me. But I realized part of what I dreamt now was due to the actions I took the other day to try to try to fix myself... I put a lot when it comes to character and I felt like I lowered my pride, acted out of character, thus feeling vulnerable and weak. :(
Sometimes I say things I don't mean... Sound nicer than I intend; just to try to reach for a middle ground to relieve my anger. But it becomes worse when the person starts acting as if they got the best of me.

Sometimes I think... Am I a pushover? I never really understood the true definition of it until I felt it within me... More in a questionable format but nevertheless I finally knew that weakness I felt within me. Somewhere along the lines of striving for peace of mind, I've given too much, altered my thoughts to theirs and still I was left with less than again.

I'm sitting here, sweating like mad and coughing like crazy. I don't feel good at all but it doesn't feel like a cold. My face is burning up...


We dissected a sheep's brain today. The only thing making me reluctant was the guilt of cutting through what used to be a living thing. The "disgust" wasn't really there for me. Most of the class moaned with disgust or giggled and my partner was even a bit rough and made expressions like it was so beneath her. She got me to cut most of it. She was nice though, I just didn't like the responses from people. My gosh, the brain was cleaned, it wasn't even gushy or retaining blood! We are given these to learn from so why not be appreciative? It's the same with the meat that we eat.

And maybe it didn't disgust me so much when comparing it to my dreams. 0_o Just a thought.

I still have to do my book review term project. I'm writing of a book where emotions meet biology. I have been interested in this aspect for many years when I started feeling a subtle loss in choice. It guided me into this topic before I knew it existed... Though social psychology and will power is quite interesting, I am more concerned with what's left where will power can't go. Those years spent attempting to guide myself with methods and altered attitudes left me empty...
I still feel much of a puppet to this day, though that should leave me feeling sadder than I do feel ( which is quite sad already ), I've actually accepted this aspect and am more concerned with maintaining the body well enough so that it can bring forth the best of it's abilities. If I should have to accept the fact that our body sometimes acts as another and not as a whole with our soul, I should also be able accept the fact that it can compromise, meaning if you treat it accordingly, it would be more willing to respond accordingly.

---

Who needs drugs?:

My head is tight with confusion while my body indulges in relaxation and idleness. My mind seems to be hitting 30 thoughts per minute. Every time it tries to stop, anxiety awaits to push it further. My mind is trying to move, trying to break free but my body won't allow for it. The crazy thoughts have provoked illusions now, it soon becomes my reality... A horrible intensified reality. My mind tries to run, it's calling for my body, I try to get up, I try to wake up, but my muscles seemed dulled... The only response seems to be the sudden jerks my body gives to relieve the anxiety. I feel myself slipping away again... My minds trying to save itself... But as if I were suffering a loss of voluntary movement, I soon find myself gone entirely to the other side again. I'm asleep again and the world stops... But my thoughts don't.

It's strange how alone you can feel even when only partially awake, but when asleep altogether you don't seem to sense loneliness as much.

Pain lives off awareness, but without awareness, we aren't truly living. Yet, I'm experiencing awareness in the middle of idleness and inactivity... So the necessity of health has as great a part in living as does pain.

"Non-movement can be the most challenging stance."



I caught an ad of a make believe forest for a screensaver. Believe it or not, I felt such longing and sadness looking at this picture. Have you ever wanted something so bad, that every second you can't have it you can only envision it and feel worse? It doesn't make you feel better, but it seems to seep through your veins that that's all you know to do. I usually am not one to complain about summer going, I prefer to think every season has it's reasons and thus, purpose. But I suddenly feel like I want to bask in the warmth of the sun. I want to feel life.

"Silence can be more powerful than speech, not as a weapon, but as a means of quieting the mind and reaching the Self."

---

Holding myself in place through pain as each motionless day passes through. It's agony, little to concentrate on but the pain itself... At the end of the day, it seems the only the thing that is loyal are my dreams... They nag at me everyday, reminding me and torturing me... of what I don't hold.

---

I tend to wash or use disinfectants on my keys, my cellphone, frequently used pens, makeup brushes, keyboard/mouse, binders, textbooks, doorknobs, the buttons on my camera and even the separate handle. I frequently use my antibacterial creams in school or after the skytrain. Most people would agree that not washing your hands after you go to the washroom is really gross. But most of those people would also say I go too far. But here's how I see it, how many people don't use SOAP after washing their hands? A TON. Seriously guys, what is watering your hands going to do. What do they touch after they get out of the washroom? What do you touch? Pretty much you may have washed your hands, but you've collected their germs anyway. Messy and dirty are two separate things. My hair can look messy, but it doesn't mean it's dirty. The desks at school can look tidy but it doesn't mean it's clean. I hate the fact of all those disgusting germs from others accumlating and brought into my house over time. So, if people think I'm weird, well... Weird is just unusual, it doesn't mean irrational... Well... MOST of the time. Most people mix those two up. If you really think about it, it is very logical... So if I must be the oddball holding a rational, yet unpopular aspect of logic, so be it. :P

---

Has it always been this quiet? It's 4 in the morning and I have only one pathetic page of notes to show for where my last 6 hours have gone. Concentration has flowed in and out. I begin to feel a tornado of scattered emotions within me; it leaves me incapable of identifying any of them as it passes by as quickly as it leaves.

---

I was thinking today, how things change and how fate will continue to remain the same... Many people grow older to lose more trust in life as things occur... It seems to always get people to asking the same question again, "What's the purpose of life?" I'm one who seems to drag my feet at accepting an idea or way of life if I fail to understand it, but sometimes, when it really matters, I understand by feeling.
When I was young, I used to read in my spare time, I just loved to read. One day I read to my mom... I read a conversation where one character says to another, "thank you." I read it as exactly as it was written, with a "you" and not the sound of a "q". My mom corrected me numerous times and was getting frustrated with me. I asked why you would say "q" when it clearly states "you". She tells me, "it just is, okay!" Yet, I refused to say "q"... Not because of habit, I just lacked a reason to. After many, many tries, I finally accepted the word as "q". Seeing this, you would think I would be 10x worse with something more crucial... Yet, somehow, I've managed to accept something way more complex than that. I used to feel a surge of anxiety when thinking about life as a whole. It was almost like a mental phobia, I felt as if I couldn't do it because I couldn't understand it. At times, I would really think that the whole world has been created by my mind. "I want to know the truth, thus I should start from the bottom to understand everything. Old facts may be accepted by default and incorrect, thus all understanding would be wrong as well. Everything is tainted with perspective and bias... What I take in that is a truly accurate? If it is taken in with bias, how do I know my mind is great enough to create it all? Instead of taking things in, maybe I am putting things out there. Perhaps a small fragment of my mind is really just me and what I cannot perceive or gain full control of is creating these illusions. I know there has to be that part that exists because I'm seeing things that the part I'm aware of isn't telling it to be there. How do I know anything is truly here then? Yes, I went through that before learning of the whole "I think, therefore I am" thing.
I guess truth is like nourishment for my soul, as bitter as it may seem to take in at times... When it's digested, it becomes one with you.

We don't question the existance of a summer day, but we question the reason behind a storm.

Why do we believe that life is suppose to treat as well?

---

Tuesday night, I pulled an all nighter studying for my bio psych exam, it used to be easier for me to feel determined in completing my studies, but it felt a lot harder this time. My fatigue kept urging me to sleep and dismiss the problem for next time when I'd have more energy to tackle it. But somehow I managed to still study "most" of the material. I had skipped some things depending on it's practicality or whether the idea can be conclusive through common sense or logical thinking. Others were skimmed with the idea takened in but not necessarily thoroughly. The test had 150 questions, 25 based on a real life inspection of a sheep's brain... Which I didn't get to spend as much time going over.

I slept early on Wednesday night and woke up in the early morn to read an article that was due in my morning class. I was exhausted and my "intuition" if you will, was creating disturbing dreams. I kept dreaming of intense insanity and mad men. When I woke to read the article, it was about an insane mad man that had 900 people kill themselves and their family through the tricks of psychology.


Now, it's time for my paper due tomorrow. After that, I have a 10 page paper on a book review and a term project that's due around the same time.


In other news, my phone has broke. It started off as a crack near the top corner and the whole piece has now fallen off. Therefore, a new phone is needed. Call me superficial, but the look of the LG chocolate really appeals to me... So much that it urges me to overlook many of the cons. In a more rational/logical analysis of it, it really isn't that great. There isn't even a speaker phone. However, they do offer a bluetooth head piece with it. Based on comments about it, the durability isn't so great, it scratches easily and the T9 in text has been known to malfunction. But come on, it's so cute!



As I've stated before, bell is vastly limited in their selection of cellphones. I don't even know why they offer a search button on the webpage of their phone selections... You can pretty much view all the decent ones on one page, more or less.

The other phone I was considering is the double-flip samsung. But the interior look really doesn't do too much for me.



It's cool and all, and much more convienent in texting versus the LG where the t9 seems to fail almost inevitably, but... Again, it's the whole appearance thing. Lg chocolate just looks much more adorable.


In other news, waiting and basing so much on a decision is frustrating. It's like part of your life is in their hands and you can only see which way they wish to take it.

---

5:51am / Seriously, I just want eat, smile and laugh at weightless conversations right now. My only sleep time is for about 6 hours which I then must wake up in the middle of the night to start my workload for the class for the next day. Maybe I'm just not used to it, either way... I'm just trying to pull through however I can.

So is the true hard fact of it all that what you don't want to change, inevitably will... And what you wish for to change, never will?


Sometimes as I'm sitting in my room waiting for life to remember me, it hits me... This is it... This is my life. I used to spend a great amount of time wondering about the purpose of life... Now, I'm sitting here with a mind that feels as if it can't breathe and a body that wants to constantly sleep or will complain through aches and pains... And you know what I'm thinking? I don't know what the purpose of life is but all I know is that I want to latch on to something that gives me such a defined sense of fulfillment that that itself will become the answer to my question. I was always the one that felt a bit sad when left feeling clueless about something... And I think I will not truly know still, but I just want to use the opportunity for what it's worth.

There was always a bit of anxiety rushing through me on a daily basis, afraid of what will happen when "time runs out" or if I should fail... Despite my carefree attitude, I think I am one of those people who care so greatly about "making it" that I've given myself an "all or nothing" attitude. It freaks me out so much when I feel myself losing grip/control on my dreams that I let go even faster as if to feel it was out of choice than anything else.


Either time is losing it's touch or I'm losing my mind... Which it may very well be, cause it doesn't make sense for me to worry about the the end of my life when I already feel like I'm in a timeless cycle.


What am I trying for? What am I striving for? I don't know. I just want to rid this problem that I also don't understand but seems to know me all to well... Afterall, it's getting the best of me... I'm pissed.


I had a dream during my nap today that inch wide razor blades were placed through into my spine on numerous locations. I somehow wasn't paralyzed but I was reluctant to turn around to try to take them out. I just pictured seeing how it'll look and I felt as if I would rather hold back from moving then to go through the excruciating pain that might not even guarantee success. Then razors were thrown and I had the bad luck of running onto it so that my foot caught the sharp end.