There's a difference between confusion and greed. I realized that even for the painful consequences that confusion can bring with it, I still stand my ground and try to tolerate the pain. But for greed, that's a whole other story.

Aw man... We exceeded the bandwidth that I hosted my music on. It's going to reset again after 18 days. Lame. :(




Saturday night: Lickerish in downtown, atlantis and sonar.


Call me random but there's something I don't understand... How do guys' hair manage to stick up like it does? If I cut my hair really short will it do that too? Or will it actually fall down because it's finer than guys hair? And I don't mean when the guy spikes it with gel. But for those those that a clean cut and it's relatively short. Don't ask me why I was pondering about that. 0_o

I had a dream about bugs the other day. It was so disgusting. I dreamt there were four types and took root on my scalp! There was one that was small, oval and beige. It was so disgusting. I dreamt I had to lean over the tub and flick my hair to get them out... Somehow the tub was filled with billions of them after... All the way to the top. They were walking around and ... UGH it was so gross!! Unexpectedly though, I woke up feeling quite content... Same as today...! A rare, rare thing for me. My mind just felt different. But I took a nap just now and I woke up from a dream - I was chasing someone and pleading for them to help me find my way out of the dark because they had lights on them. It was so dark everywhere and I longed for the sun... In the end, I just saw myself fail... And it felt like I was breathing, but so dead inside. I woke up with a racy heart and a rush of anxiety. Sigh.

I find it strange how often I find myself in this state. I can swear I've locked the door to it, and suddenly it swings open with the likes of a strong breeze that I feel shakened up and lost... My vulnerability takes a go and suddenly it's like wind and rain... And I can't explain why. I'm a different person sharing a portion of the same heart. Because even when this person fades, I still feel the aches left behind.

My actions are empty... In a means to protect myself, I'm attempting to eliminate all emotions to relieve those painful ones. If I really think about it, I should be feeling as sad as two weeks ago... My symptoms are worsening and my eyes are burning constantly from my fever. I drank a whole glass of water before bed yesterday trying to cool my body down. I forgot to take into aspect the fact that another symptom is that I need to pee a lot... It was so bad I got no sleep that night... Thus, I wandered into school sleepless, more exhausted and feeling faint. The fever just got worse later in the day. You would think I should be asleep now... It's almost 4am and I didn't go out to do just that. Instead, I'm boggled with emotions that keep stabbing at me; I don't want to wake up with anxiety attacks again. Physical pain is one thing, but mental limitations prevents even the chance of happiness or a sense of control over the situation.

Doubt rushes my head; panic, confusion. I want to do something, I NEED to do something, I need to fix everything... But no wait. There's nothing I can do. Cause even when my mind has rested enough, my body still cries for more. And even when my mind runs away to live when I'm asleep, it still remains confronted by my fears that I face in reality. I'm waiting, and I'm struggling to push time forward, but I've fallen in timeless cycle that makes me feel almost insane.


Nothing in my life is moving forward... Except of course... My school... Slowly but I'm still grateful to have it. When I was without this it was like waiting in a room with nothing but white walls. At least now I have some "magazines."

---

According to my horoscope: "Unpredictable and explosive in moods. Leave her alone and don't bother to try to change her thoughts.... When wounded, she will withdrawl and seem her worst, but before you know it, she will return to the world with her bubbling personality and smile."

I feel as if I'm moving about drunk in life, doing things out of character aiming to provoke change... I really don't seem to have a grasp on any justification to my actions anymore. Sometimes I really do think I'm suffering from an overload of alcohol... I feel a nagging headache each day from trying to manipulate my aggression into being able to invest in spontaneous decisions. Sadness doesn't quite move me, nor does consequence at times... I used to be a person who stands with discipline in her beliefs, now I stand with loss of care. My symptoms have been side by side in this journey of failure, both taking steps down with me... Sometimes I have good days, but ultimately they mostly fall on bad... And the good days I get can only be appreciated for the good feelings they offer and little of the concrete change that is much needed in my life. Concrete change usually requires more than a mere few days of full ability and strength.
I walked up the hill to school today, feeling faint and too tired to close my mouth properly... I see a black man come strolling down the hill in his wheelchair with a carefree and somewhat content look on his face. Call me racist ( at least in a positive manner ) but for some reason I thought, "black guys always seem to have such an attractive outlook" and it made me smile a bit. I guess I felt also glad that he was able to feel free and it made me feel a bit of his joy... Somehow his smile just masked a lot else for me that I noticed it more than his wheelchair.
I felt ashamed at myself.

---

I should return to my studying. I've still got about 100 pages to go.

6:32am/ I can't do it. For the first time since attending there I'm going to be missing an exam. My system of not attending classes to save energy and study at home was reversed this term. I guess I bit off more than I can chew again. Usually I will get through my studying and nothing would stop me... Even feeling tired. But it's even worse this time. All as of consequence from last, last week of trying to attend all my classes. I usually can measure realistically on how long I'll need to study... But I sat here knowing I'm not going to be able to pull through... I can hardly think... My body is wearing out and by the time my class comes around, I know I won't be able to do one of those "work hard now, sleep later" days. I already feel so faint walking yesterday and I had 5 hours of sleep... I can't push it anymore. I'm aching like crazy.

I'm still sitting here though... As if I feel reluctant to accept what I'm about to do... Or already doing. I just... I don't know. I felt better making it to school yesterday... I felt like I was slowly piecing myself together again after the mess I felt last week... And now, I'm going to be missing a crucial class. I can't keep up....


I'm thinking about last week now... It was the worst I've felt in a long while... Enough to start up so many symptoms to attack me altogether. I missed a friend's birthday on Saturday and on Friday I puked in my friend's bathroom from feeling nauseated with exhaustion. I couldn't go up the elevator without feeling dizzy. I couldn't walk without momentarily blacking out every now and then I couldn't stay awake without feeling a fever burning within me... When I left, he found strands of my hair everywhere. And I just think... Usually I am more willing to do things of relaxation and fun that don't require much mind power and help me to feel less sad... And I couldn't even do it that week. How can I help myself if both cycles are tearing me down. How do I think positive if it can attack me in the mood department. It's when I need it the most, and I am stripped of most control. And when it is better, of course I will also feel happier not just in choice, but also due to biological factors. Feeling empty knowing I'm not where I want in life doesn't help matters either... I just don't know what to do anymore.

Quiet dignity.

Just because you're louder than me doesn't mean you're hurting worse than me.

If you met me, you would never assume this blog was mine. I've let others disregard me as a person lacking of thoughts, goals and who's attitude is lazy without saying a thing. In fact, I'd even encourage it. I would think, "why would I want this person to know and look at me differently?" I want to be able to feel like there's nothing wrong and laugh like I DON'T care.

I'm a person who smiles in the face of others but it's not to say it's always fake.

It relieves the mental pain. It has it's own worth. It may not rid my problems, but it does what it can. :) Thus, that is why I hardly express my whole self in person... I don't want my health to touch upon and affect more than it already does. Or rather, I don't want to feel like it does.

Empty....
I guess... I guess I'm not used to this, I'm not used to having another mind other than my own to interact with. Moreover, I don't really feel safe with anyone other than myself.
I can barely open my eyes right now,it feels as if it's 5 in the morning and I've just awoken to a blazing bright sun. My head pounds with every movement, yelling for me to return to bed and that I'm too weak for this right now. It isn't 5am though, it's 1:31pm and I'm exposed to a cloudy gray sky that for some reason makes me feel eagar for life. I am so exhausted that I type with my eyes barely open, yet I have never felt such ease in writing for so long where my mind seems to already know what words to write even before my eyes can even understand what it's reading.

I have a need to say "goodbye" every so often; it's what makes me, me. It symbolizes progress and the end of chapters where I pursue elsewhere. I'm just a girl who can be so mentally closed off when she becomes simply "tired" of something that the distance from her and another person can seem a world apart. You just can't seem get to me. With every second still spent on what my mind already has said "enough" to, I will find my mental reflex kicking in where I just can think of nothing but attempting to physically step away as well. It's as if it becomes a bad allergy reaction.

This need is so strong with me that every time I feel a set back, I will clean and dispose things to feel a sense of relief... As if throwing these away is me saying goodbye to them. I want to feel free and detached. But the effects are reversed if I am said goodbye to, it's out of my element, I will suddenly feel confused and extremely lost. Usually, I am the one who truly says goodbye with my mind. It isn't just people either, it's surroundings, objects... This house, this area... I need constant progression... Which I'm not having.

Time starts to pass and before you know, you're frozen.

I really just want to say goodbye and feel "alone" again. Ironically, I feel more empty having people around me... Perhaps because I feel it's the "remainders" of them. I rather have all of myself than wasted space within me from holding parts of others that lack depth.

I keep dreaming I'm stepping away from you to live and I love it, but I keep stepping to you when I'm awake.




Welcome to the good life! "I go for mine, I gots to shine" :)

Detached - I like to be alone to be rid of disappointments. I expect perfection from myself ( even if I'm far from it ), so I'm even worse at accepting imperfections from elsewhere, that's the truth. I don't want to expect anything.

Anyway, when I do watch movies, common sense seems to ruin it for me. =/ I watched the Simpsons movie recently and while everyone else seemed to love it, I was bothered by one thing... The main idea is that they're trapped within the dome with no way out right? ...

Why don't they just dig? ... 0_o


september 18 / Summer seems to pull to an abrupt stop. The cold air readily awaits to fill the missing heat - It was just a couple days ago when I had to wear a tank top due to the heat. Now the heater is by my feet and the suns disappeared from the sky.

So the fun's supposed to have left with summer, but my mind is still itching with anticipation for the weekend. My hearts curious for what lurks out there, more specifically, what would be in front of me soon enough. They say the lack of sunlight can increase the risk of depression, well then, I suppose I've given you the role of being my sun.

---

My schedule has been thrown off - I eat little, sleep little and can't seem to gather enough focus to study. Due to all this, I've been in somewhat of a daze lately... Less movement, more thoughts:
I took a look around today... Not at concrete objects but at the absence of things that once were. It was like a different picture in the same frame... it got me thinking, what exactly is "maturity?" What happens that makes us stray from toys to more concrete things in life? Our understanding of the world was limited when we were kids, but our imagination was at a high. Now that we understand the world with more depth, our imagination seems to shrink away. Was our imagination just filling in the void for the time being while we still had much to learn of the world? It seems like our mind has always been ready to contain huge dreams of the world even before we could understand what the world was. My imagination has been replaced with books and of concrete objects... The possibilities and imagination are still somewhat there, just a lot less fun to tackle with.

But... I got worried today... What if I'm never to feel the joy of finding the end of my goals? What if I never carry this far enough. I made this promise in my dream and signed it with my soul, what am I to do if I fall short... What if my body continues rebelling against it... Will my soul simply fade with the loss of my dreams?

P.s. Why am I so unpredictable in moods. =/


september19 / I suddenly just want to be left alone even more so. How do I explain this when I don't even understand it. I just want to feel secure in my old self, I don't want to leak pieces of myself. What's more, I suddenly feel even more empty after taking the remainders of people out. I don't know what I want in life. It's like you know what you don't want, you know what suddenly strikes you as disgust, you know what you want nothing to do with... But what do I want to have to do with then.

Just last week I was pacing to school and back, doing housework, studying notes, exhausting myself so I may sleep. This week I'm scattered, unproductive and lost. I need my energy to chase my dreams again. I can't keep running on one week and disappear the next. There seems to be no consistency.

I am so effy about everything.

4:50pm / um... I just want to be left alone right now.
I'm sick... Ugh. I don't mind going to school as it's not too bad... But I know walking there it's going to make me much worse.=/


Thrown out of my element, yet again.

You ever feel like when you get within a certain degree of comfort with someone that standards are set, expectations are made? Everything you do seems to be judged more critically. I can't stand for that. I just don't feel like my own person anymore... I don't feel like me. It's hard for me to feel like I'm my own when having someone so close to me.=/

september20

I had a dream I was catching up w/ a lot of people. The sun was coming up for morning and I was heading into ATL. The place where I would normally feel at home. Inside things appeared different. There was an escalator where it leads to lockers, washrooms and a huge grocery store. I saw some an old friend who totally snobbed me out like I did something wrong or that she looked down on me. I felt so left out and abandoned. I had no one with me. I went to the grocery store looking for rice krispies and I couldn't find it, no matter how hard I looked. The whole time I kept thinking, the sun is going to come up I have to hurry. After more conflicts and what not, I found myself on my kitchen floor talking to some people I did not expect. Suddenly, I collasped and there was blood coming out of me. Next thing you know ... I stood outside my house where I saw my cousin. It was quiet now. She asked me what's wrong. I let out a tear and said I don't want to be here anymore. Not here. No matter how familiar I am with these places, my soul doesn't know it. It knows the rush and thrill of life. And though I'm so alone, I somehow still feel like I'm crowded. I rather be absolutely alone than to feel alone when surrounded by so many. I didn't want to be in the same place when the sun rises once again. I don't want to wake up and die again a little each day. She then said it's okay, got in a cab with me, we took off and I woke up.



9:39am / I said it before and I'll say it again: "I can be whatever you want me to believe, if you let me believe." I guess you're not doing such a good job then. 0_0
i feel like such a screw up right now. I've been such a mess this whole week. Now I'm sitting here at 9:40am, unable to sleep much the entire night because of this painful arthritis in my leg! The cold feeling I was getting is gone from me resting myself but now I have arthritis. I feel so scattered.=(

5:31pm /
"They call her Fredalyn the friendly and me, Tina the terrible." "Really? Why's that?" "I don't know, I wonder why that is too, cause she's a bitch."

"I wonder why Mandy Moore doesn't get much attention because she is a good singer and so sweet" "Yah, I guess cause girls like her that are sweet are boring to people, they're easily forgotten." Candy: *pouts* Tina: "Oh, you don't have to worry about that... You're not sweet, you're a bitch."

"Stop comparing yourself to her!! You are better than her, you're prettier than her, smarter than her ... And even when she tries to be a bitch, you're still the bigger bitch!"

A distant friend listened as I told of the moments of countless laughs I held in my heart. He then told me that it was weird... When I told of a memory that should be labeled as bad ( like having GHB put into my drink ), I somehow tell it with such liveliness on the mention of the close friends who were present. It was like those brief moments that brought ease into the situation was all I could recall. I couldn't remember the guy's name, nor his face... I've pushed him out of my life with so little recollection that he was even there. It seemed as if... It was just about me and my friends. As if that is the only time when I am actually living - when those who are close and wonderful to me are there. I've been masked with what seems to be such a pessimistic attitude, when really my mind and heart speaks the truth of what I'm really like, that I really have no desire for making things worse than it is. Over these years, it feels as if my soul has been partially paralyzed within me, unable to move and speak through to my body. I seem depressed, bitter and weak. But is that really who I am?

When I close my eyes, a rush of memories fall upon me... Those that have happened, and those that have been thought about so often that they seem to very well have happened as well. They tell me that what remains when I open my eyes is what is true. But even though my goals don't sit outside my window nor the presence of everyone dear, I still feel it at the back of my heart.
It's my love for the light-hearted, carefree chase of life I adore. I rather be detached and drifting on my own path than to be emotionally tied. But this is who I am, and the me I feel the best in. Ironically enough, I don't find I lack depth being superficial... Perhaps its because I feel so much depth that I appreciate the simplistic... I don't want anymore weight pushing at me.

I guess my friends are my medication... They're the pain killers of life for me and though I don't guarantee there'll never be goodbyes, I can guarantee that there will never be a goodbye enough strong enough to stop these memories that have been imprinted in my heart. I'm just appreciative to have this to remind me of how it is to feel alive... How my soul feels when it can breathe.

I feel myself trying to say goodbye and "leave" again.


6:09am - I stand there before you, but the doors locked between you and I. I can't seem to grasp the purpose of reality enough to turn the knob. It seems every time I attempt to stray from here, it leaves me at a dead end, forcing me to retrace my steps. I told myself yesterday that it's probably the weather... It's just the weather... But when I awoke today to a bright and clear day... I had no excuse but myself. I'm not here anymore, I'm wondering why my body drags me through staying. But even then... I feel it's slipping away sometimes as well. It took my taste buds a while to realize I was eating wood and not sashimi today. I'm not there anymore... So why am I here.

Tina is currently: mentally inaccessible for prolonged "day-to-day" conversation

I'm not too eager to interact with too many people right now. I know nothing in a way is permanent, but I find that things are too easily losing their staying power that shouldn't be. Thus, I've withdrawn within once again, attempting to find some sense of stability and worth in this life. I get up for class and plan the rest of my day with constant tasks/activities... I need a 12 hour sleep so I'm usually in bed quite early as well.


I'll return to myself soon enough.

This is a long post! My bio psych professor is impressively smart! She seems older yet her mom is still alive and in her 90s. This professor spent the first start of her career teaching English in high school. She then decided to go into counselling part time as well... Then again decided to return to school into psychology. She studied various sections of psychology, landing interest in the biology aspect. She's a certified psychologist. She studies psychotic patients and attempts to find solutions in medication to decrease their symptoms. She has studied animals in many cases and so much more. She seemed to have such a long history of credentials I couldn't remember it all. When she teaches, she often has something to add in that the books don't offer. She's not just information, more importantly, she applies logic and transforms knowledge into quick witted intellect. You just feel that her mind uses itself with such ease that it seems to come to her as easy as breathing.

We discussed an interesting piece today, the combination of psychology and philosophy. She spoke of how after studying such in-depth notes on the biology of humans and why the body reacts the way it does, she no longer believes in superstitious "nonsense" or magic and so forth. She found that science gave clarity where superstition stood. "It really makes you open up your senses and realize some stuff!" But in my view, I don't think I would ever overlook that side of things. To some degree, yes, but I already have a conclusion in the back of my head that bypasses what science states... Not that it's not true, simply that it isn't everything... But instead, made to represent that way. Just that some of the things I've experienced, there is no way you can tell me that science overrides it all. On another note, "In a universe of matter and energy, why/how does conscious experience exist?" Not to sound like a nerd, but :) My type of thinking... Just because it's usually the questions about the universe and mankind as a whole that provoke my thoughts outward. Philosophy made up the thoughts I spent the most time on had when I was without much else. She didn't create that quote but I felt like she was the voice in my thoughts when she took philosophical questions to stimulate or lead scientific/psychological ones.

What got me partially interested in psychology with this question that I could not answer with further thinking ( I needed more facts and knowledge to answer ). My first thought was on how much our health (biology) effects us. How much power does it have over us? I came to the conclusion of, "a lot." I already made up my mind of personal experience that it is a lot, but I wanted to see in more depth what it can do in other areas. The bio in us can encourage a lot of the exhibited behaviors in us that we give wrong conclusions to. A person who causes a lot of trouble may be labelled as bad when in fact they may suffer from ADD. Yet, when a person almost meets the qualifications (bio and behavior) but justs miss it, it is merely considered a part of their personality. The problem with most mental problems is either an abnormal increase of a certain combination in the bio make up or a insufficient amount. So, for a person who is suffering from these abnormalities, which part of themselves can they really say they are? For example, for a person who suffers from depression, it is simply a chemical imbalance in their head? Or is it just their tendency to do so... Or is it other reasons that stimulate it such as the lack of energy or air? So, is the trick here to "stabilize" all abnormalities and conflicts within the body so that the "true" person may come forth? This holds great interest for me.

Which brings me to another note, remember how I questioned the truth to pain? That it may simply be our memory of pain that makes it what it is. I think I wrote of this a year ago? I'm not sure but I put a little bit of it in the last post too, yes, I know I'm quite repetitive. I compared it to the dentist and needle shots on both occasions (that is seems as if we feel the distinct pain, if not worse, years later just from thinking about it). Well, my professor was talking about this today stating that new research has brought out a "crazy, new discover." What happens when we medicate someone for surgery? Where do they go? Where does their consciousness go that prevents them for knowing what is happening to them? It's just black in their recollection. New research is strongly rising that these patients were actually "present" during their surgery, but because the medication prevents them from remembering, they can recall no pain that they felt. If this can be confirmed, it may bring a forth a whole new range of tecniques and methods for different problems.
I believe deep thought or philosophy is the seed to the tree of life. It helps you branch out and bear fruit in many aspects in life.


sept12/2007
I used to latch onto thoughts roaming aimlessly in my mind and attempt to follow them to its "end" (of course there is no end, it's only as far as my mind allows or manages to conclude). But my reason of concern right now, is simply that I feel myself turning my mind off in times where I would chase these thoughts with determination.
Like the root of a plant extending it's stems in search for nourishment, it was like that of my mind. A few years of this and I found myself to have built a complicated tangle of overlapping, intercepting thoughts... In which only I can, if I really try to, understand the uniqueness of each branch. But after all this, I begin to find that I'm losing the interest of understanding these thoughts, of seeking each conclusion and its branching ideas. It seems to now collide as one final mess of complexity as I mentally look away every time I feel a need to nourish these thoughts... Simply because it hurts to feed it and I can no longer see the purpose to. Which comes to the cause - I cannot understand or care to understand things of complexity right now because I cannot even understand the simplistic.

I'm emotionally absent, and now the logical side of mine is slowing stepping away as well. What remains is soon to be a robot... Doing what I need to do to be able to be free of needing these two... Freeing myself from anything that causes pain.

But you know what, at least being a robot makes me feel useful now. :]

september 13

It's not worse to feel a pain for the first time than it is to feel it til it seems it's all you know. It replays over and over within my mind until I swear the emotions tears through reality and strips time of it's definition and power. I could swear I was in the past and I had gotten nowhere... I still think I've gotten nowhere.

I looked around at every object before me that wasn't there before... Each holding a new story, a story that should reassure me that I'm getting some place. Yet, so many of those objects were at the end of their story. All I could rely on were my studies... The studies I cried day and night to not have before. And even with this, I could swear to you that those were my failed home studies I went through. I blasted the music as all this negativity filled within me, simply so I could scream to force out these emotions tearing at me that I had no where to place. I just want to get it out of me, I have no more room inside, I can't even find myself inside anymore... I don't know what to do anymore. My head is pounding.

It seems like every day is such a bitch to get through and I know it shouldn't be that way but I don't know what to change anymore.


My grandma once said that if a child cries salty tears, she is most likely trying to get her way. But if she cries to the extent that her tears no longer contain the taste of salt, she's in pain.

---

It's getting harder for me to pull my fake smile, I feel like I'm going to cry anytime I put any expression into my face.



Question: Would you be less upset if a friend doesn't seem to know that you're angry, thus minimizing the effects because they probably would change it or address it if they did; or would you be more upset that the friend doesn't realize the action itself as inconsiderate or mean on their own when it very well should be crossing their mind as they repeatedly do it? When I can't find enough justification to it ( even a known personal weakness can classify as one if they attempt to address it ), I can't help but feel annoyed.

People don't realize the true extent of their actions. It's as if the knife is still moving through me and the time for mending will never come. Is it already here? Because all I feel is how my insides are being rearranged. The heart is no longer in its proper place. In fact, the heart barely seems to be beating.

The devil is rocking my bed.

The tears are strolling down my face today and they aren't for anything concrete. There's a feeling floating about me that's making me feel ill within but nothing I can pinpoint. Rather, they seem to be the collected sum of all negativity in me. The sad part is, it doesn't seem to be just a typical mood swing... I feel as if truth is catching up to me and I'm at a lost for where to hide next... An exhausted play-on pain.

I dreamt of a puzzle today, each piece holding a musical tune. When the puzzle was completed a slow chinese song began playing. Then the picture began moving. I saw a chinese guy in what seemed to be a soldier outfit. He stared at me with a blank expression as a girl emerged who seemed all over the place with little structure or responsibility. But he seemed to be "with" her. He just kept starring at me, saying nothing at all. I woke up and received a phone later on from a friend of mine. I can't write of what he said... But it reflected the immaturity of the picture very well. Their situation is pretty serious though so I spoke to him for about 4 hours, when he sent me a chinese song.

I find myself sighing all the time, further leading me to feel as if I don't have the breath to talk to others but I still push myself to do it.

He said to me: "You're the only friend I have who has a sweet and innocent mind, yet still know enough to think clear-minded..."

Then later he said: "The people I trust are those who I've known for a long time... Just guys I grew up with. You're one of the few girls let alone person I've trusted in such a short amount of time. And it's not I started out trying to see if I could trust you... Just as I spoke to you, I noticed you're different. I don't even talk to my other girl friends anymore 'cause I don't like the way they think and I can read people pretty well."

Candy also said to me suddenly that she has respect for me for being such a private person and keeping other people's secrets so well.

All this made me think... If life consisted of such compliments, I would be in paradise right about now. But all I can conclude is this... The bigger the heart a person has, the more it'll hurt when it does hurt.

On one hand I felt as if the traits I hold myself to are not dismissed... It made me feel better being "recognized" for I feel as if I have really fallen in a pit away from God's eyes. It's sort of like, somebody tell me I'm doing something right, because life sure isn't.


What's more... Ironically, both think I am pretty mellow and emotionless.
The guy friend said it seems like nothing in my life is ever wrong. Sigh, I can't express it... What I feel I mean... I don't like to complain, I'd rather transform what I can into something meaningful and productive... But one side of me is asking "Is it time yet. Can it be my turn to release the pain and be elsewhere in life... Or am I to help others and watch them move on my entire life..."

Like a wounded animal crawling away to die, I find myself withdrawling more and more away from the eyes of society. I feel cold and alone inside.

Underneath all the supposed complexity, I'm a simple girl. You come to me for help and I will help you, but never do I like being included in a mess and I had been wise to avoid that before. Despite how you see me, I'm not the strongest girl... I hurt too. Just because you don't hear me screaming, doesn't mean I'm not hurting.