Expressive/Reflective

More often than not, I feel as if I don't fit in w/ society. Not to say I think I'm better than anyone/everyone... I just feel as if I don't understand things. I feel like a bystander watching the world storm by, each knowing their role and where they are to walk to create a perfect synchronized picture.

I, on the other hand, feel safest when protected by my own thoughts than those that are handed to me. I must question everything until ironically, I don't understand it anymore. Why do people follow trends? Why do people not think ahead when necessary, and think too much when it's better not to? Why do they do this? Why do they do that? And even when I find myself doing it, I can't help but wonder what force drives me to it as well.

It may seem I'm a person of complexity, holding many contradicting character traits in myself... But the truly complicated part in me are my thoughts itself. The driving force in my actions, the reasoning, the needs are really quite simple.

I think to find understanding and meaning to achieve peace of mind. I think to gain control and to better myself. I think to avoid falling into destructive norms. Basically, I think to find happiness... But I feel far from it.

I look around and see people racing about, consumed with the typical illusion of what life is and I can't help but to feel alone with my thoughts. Everyone has accepted life and in return, life has opened it's arms for them as well. Why must I rebel so?

My whole life I've held this part of me that is really a hermit. That part in me understands the capability of people, the harm others can inflict, and the desire to just walk my own path with little mental disturbance. It is hard to stir emotion in that part of me... It's something that area just doesn't compute; logic is its only language.

I feel like a loner, but in truth, I feel most secure this way. Am I doomed to live life arguing with it every step of the way?

Even my interest for business and the fast paced rush of life feels different when I look at others. It's like me going clubbing and not touching alcohol. It's like me going to raves and not touching drugs. I don't have an interest for the manipulation or deceit in business. To most, these are the necessities... But to me it's about the skill and the thrill of sharpening them. Maybe that's just it... My appreciation for life is different. I find I don't need the artificial stimulants or the harmful superficialness. Perhaps it isn't the world we share that makes us connected, but the world we perceive. So until I can find someone who is on the same mental wavelength as me, I will continue to feel alone.

They say I'm emotionally detached.
But the real problem lies in knowing emotions all too well.
I wouldn't mind being better acquainted with happiness however.


Everyday Ramblings/Yet Another Thought 

August 25 / 2:19 am

I have a love/hate relationship for human beings. You know the negative aspect I see us in from the previous post, but I haven't spoken of the positive. What makes me feel for humans is the complexity that can arise from our emotions. I guess I appreciate or... sympathize with that.

I called a friend at around 5pm and by 6pm we were heading to the states with another friend as well. After the traffic jams and so forth, we were near the border at around 8pm. That's when we saw it... A hot air balloon in the sky on fire. As I turned my head to look for the phone, my friend said he saw something fall from the basket. We weren't sure if it was pieces of the hot air balloon... Or someone jumping. The fire spread quickly and soon it was racing towards the ground. We called 911 and followed the smoke. It just missed the woods, but landed in the middle of a RV park. Huge black patches of smoke was coming out. A boy who seemed to be in his teens was kneeing on the grass without his shirt. Every part of his body that we could see was red. I can't explain it... Something about his positioning and movements made me want to cry. He went from kneeing to a crawling position trying to relieve the pain as others looked on helpless. The entire basket was on fire, so I don't know how he made it out with just burns. Perhaps he was near it when it fell... I don't know... But that just really disturbed me. I told my friend to quickly leave soonafter though. There were already others there and fire trucks and ambulances were on their way and they would of needed the space. I don't know why, but the sight of the boy in agonizing pain and the idea of a person jumping to escape from the heat had me picturing all sorts of dreadful, depressing, torturing sights. I started thinking, how would I feel if bodies were laying all over the road. Would I still say that I don't feel for humans? Perhaps I feel for them so much that it angers me when they don't understand their own power.
As we continued driving on the highway, I saw a dead animal on the road. I had always dreaded seeing these sort of things... And oddly enough, I had never seen anything in such clarity until this summer. It was as if I was protected from seeing these sort of things and now, I can't help but to see it. Animals vs humans. simplicity vs complexity... They seem to contrast greatly. But in the end, pain is still pain. I realized I feel for humans no less than I do for animals.

I was deep in thought as the miles passed on. The feeling of dread lingered about. The problem with life is sometimes we attach ourselves to those agonizing, tortured feelings that we are exposed to. It consumes us until that's all that's left of us.

4:59pm / Sigh. http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/americas/08/25/balloon.crash/index.html

I guess that answers my question of whether anyone was hurt......

Clear pictures AND a video are available for the article. I saw the balloon fall down in what seemed to be under a minute... So they must have been taken by people nearby. I don't know. I was thinking about this before... When pictures are in the news, it can be a way for people to understand and sympathize with the situation. If they can visualize it, they will feel stronger for the situation... It's as if they were there ( because honestly, those shots, captured what I saw very well ). But... I don't know how anyone in a moment of chaos, can take picture of such a horrible scene. Someone is dying up there, and you're video taping it or snapping shots. I can understand it if the news crews do it for some reason. Maybe because their job is to spread the news, their mind is more trained. But for those who are just onlookers, I just see it as a bit mean and harsh. They're not familiar with the scene, nor are they trained in this area... And yet their mind manages to focus in and record something so harsh. I want to erase what I saw in my head, how can they record it?


Annoying Drunks - Rant
3:35am / august 26
Maybe if they weren't drunk I wouldn't be so pissed. But then again, if they didn't have that excuse, I may be more upset with their behavior. FUCK.


We went to Vanilla room in Langley today with Anna's guy friends. I have never been so annoyed. The driver drove so aggressively that I got motion sickness and puked. Okay, I was still nice about it. He got me some water and a cookie when he made a stop to use the interac machine. But he in no way thought he was responsible, he kept calling me weak. Either he's too stupid to know what causes motion sickness or he just thinks he's still not his fault. When we get there, one of the guys with us was having problems getting in. He wore runners when there's a dresscode. One of the guys offered him the keys to drive back to his place in surrey and get some dress shoes... The bouncers were really nice about it too, saying they will let him right away since his friend has hook ups. He just said no in what seemed to me as a bratty, unreasonable gesture.

The bouncer let us in anyway ( thankfully or else that dumbass would of made us all leave for him ). We get in and as the night proceeded, tons of alcohol was poured on me by the drunks around. As if that weren't enough, all the guys had to get drunk themselves. My 2 girl friends drank quite a bit, but even they were able to control their behavior. The 4 guys started to get irritating...

The unreasonable/bratty one kept trying to find ways to talk to us, with annoying in your face attempts. He kept resting his hand on my ass even when I repeatedly shoved his arm off. Another one kept taking random pictures of me and refusing to delete it. Another one kept yelling shit when I didn't want to listen anymore because it was all rubbish. Then as a frown started appearing on my face, he wouldn't take it as a sign, instead he bugs me more. Our DRIVER, got pissed drunk,then would lean on me and started slurring shit.

I was completely sober so I handled the situation with the utmost annoyance. As we went outside, they insisted on a group picture. One of them almost dropped his friends camera. All but one was drunk.

They started babbling amongst themselves. Screaming, yelling, running. To distract myself, I asked Anna if she would like to take a picture with me. I give the camera to Fredalyn, who I TRUSTED. She knew how much that camera meant to me and why. Then the fucken drunk driver wanders over and starts babbling about how he can take it and starts wrestling with her for the camera. I tell him no, and to leave it alone. He starts babbling of how he's not drunk and is capable. I continue arguing with him while seeing his fucken hands all over the screen ( which I don't have a screen cover on ). The more Fredalyn resisted, the harder he would pull. I started getting upset and he sees it as a reason to disprove my assumptions of him being drunk by grabbing my camera even harder. After much debate he finally gives it back. Then later, another one tries to wrestle me for it. Then two get in an argument with each other. They start swearing at one another and then pulls a drama queen scene. Fucken hell. Then finally we go home.

I open my bag to check my camera. Two deep scratches on the screen. So deep it casts a shadow and is visible even when on.

Friendship

On another note... My idea of friends has changed quite drastically in the past week. Quite a contrast from the idea I held just before that. I considered it one of the greatest wonders. This summer, I felt more free and more open because I felt protected. But the problem is not even just friends actually... Or at least my friends? I feel as if I don't trust anyone. I'm not sure where this came from. Just before I was so happy that I had all these people around... Then in the past week, I listened quietly of comments made, things said... And I suddenly found myself feeling stranded.

It seems as the summer nears an end, friendships also begin to sink into darkness as the sun rolls further away...

a) If I tell you something in trust, it doesn't mean you can tell it to another close friend... It's not yours to tell. If you can't handle that, warn me. 

b) If someone does something mean to you that illustrates a great part of their personality, doesn't show much remorse except in the consequence of confrontation, how is it justified when another friend befriends them to such a close degree? I'm not the type to say, if I don't like someone, you have to as well. But it really gets me thinking when a person can inflict harm to me in front of a friend, and have that friend act as if it never happened and doesn't include it in their judgement of them.

c) Even when a person says sorry, they seem to repeat their tendencies in other ways. When something happier comes along, they seem to forget about you so easily. It makes me wonder if friendships are only for support.

d) If you don't believe in me, get jealous or don't think much of me... I can feel/see it.


There are no feelings of anger, I just feel a bit lost. I feel saddened for the feeling of trust and safety I once felt seems to be rather thin now. A few weeks ago, I felt so blessed to have these people around me... Friends who would try to help me when they could and do tremendous favors for me... But most importantly, friends who I thought I had a connection with and would experience life with me. But it now feels as if they do it to be good people. I can't explain it... It's the above factors that make me wonder what factors remain that establish a friendship if the desire to be a good person weren't there? Maybe it's momentary, maybe I just feel sad right now... I guess it was because it all happened once after another. I consider my friends the best friends any friend can be... Which makes me think it's my idea in the truth of friendship that is question.

Friendship

On another note... My idea of friends has changed quite drastically in the past week. Quite a contrast from the idea I held just before that. I considered it one of the greatest wonders. This summer, I felt more free and more open because I felt protected. But the problem is not even just friends actually... Or at least my friends? I feel as if I don't trust anyone. I'm not sure where this came from. Just before I was so happy that I had all these people around... Then in the past week, I listened quietly of comments made, things said... And I suddenly found myself feeling stranded.

It seems as the summer nears an end, friendships also begin to sink into darkness as the sun rolls further away...

a) If I tell you something in trust, it doesn't mean you can tell it to another close friend... It's not yours to tell. If you can't handle that, warn me. 

b) If someone does something mean to you that illustrates a great part of their personality, doesn't show much remorse except in the consequence of confrontation, how is it justified when another friend befriends them to such a close degree? I'm not the type to say, if I don't like someone, you have to as well. But it really gets me thinking when a person can inflict harm to me in front of a friend, and have that friend act as if it never happened and doesn't include it in their judgement of them.

c) Even when a person says sorry, they seem to repeat their tendencies in other ways. When something happier comes along, they seem to forget about you so easily. It makes me wonder if friendships are only for support.

d) If you don't believe in me, get jealous or don't think much of me... I can feel/see it.


There are no feelings of anger, I just feel a bit lost. I feel saddened for the feeling of trust and safety I once felt seems to be rather thin now. A few weeks ago, I felt so blessed to have these people around me... Friends who would try to help me when they could and do tremendous favors for me... But most importantly, friends who I thought I had a connection with and would experience life with me. But it now feels as if they do it to be good people. I can't explain it... It's the above factors that make me wonder what factors remain that establish a friendship if the desire to be a good person weren't there? Maybe it's momentary, maybe I just feel sad right now... I guess it was because it all happened once after another. I consider my friends the best friends any friend can be... Which makes me think it's my idea in the truth of friendship that is question.

The Hassles of Bad Health


3:23pm - The sound of silence is so heavy on my ear as I awaken. It takes me a while to realize that this is not a continuation of my depressive dreams. Why do I feel down? Can I really blame it on health side effects or is it really me. I wished I had my all to take on the world. Instead, only half of me stands before the world. All I seem good for is to feel.


august 28 - 4:01am - The vitamin-taking has become habitual. It's no longer a bitch to remember, but it is a bit hard to note differences and change. Partially because my brain is so absorbed with dealing with all the different moods I find myself in. So many emotions and cycles run through me in a day that I often think many days have passed when it's more likely to just have been a day. 
I did notice that my dreams have become less violent, however. Or maybe that's just me trying to locate differences that aren't really there. Like I said, I wouldn't really know unless if I take notes on a calendar like before. But I don't wish to do that again. They say that people have a tendency to overestimate the severity of things. Well, last time I kept a record of my dreams/nightmares, I realized that it was even worse than I thought! That's a little too depressing for me to handle.
The mixture of constant pressure to direct/control my emotion with the wide range of emotions felt and non stop thinking is causing daily headaches for me. :( Extra-strength advil doesn't relieve it completely anymore, but it does prevent it from falling worse. Like I said before... I don't realize the severity of things due to me only focused on maintaining myself through each day. I didn't realize how much advil I had been taking into the whole container was gone in less than 2 months!



"The beauty of a song resides not just in the melody, but in the lyrics as well."

There's meaning that lurks within me, a meaning you may have heard if you had really listened.

2:55am / I was ready to sleep since 9pm. But somehow insomnia has kicked in once again. I was happy... Then the thoughts started building up while I laid in bed. Now I really don't know where I stand. I feel scattered.

10:46pm / I've had insomnia for 2 days now. I'm only able to accomplish "half" sleeps... And that's only for a couple hours as well. I woke up today feeling sick. No wonder my appetite and thirst has been on a crazy high. My body has been trying to re-stabilize itself. My car crash pain has returned around my neck when riding with Michelle on her bike yesterday. My wrists felt like they were unmovable today. My body's tired.

I'm tired, but I feel like I want to keep myself moving. I get sad when I stop.

4:51am / Sleep now defines a whole other meaning for me... Something similar to the definition of thought. Usually when I feel sick, I crave sleep and can take numerous naps. Now I can't even sleep once. I feel as if I'm wrapped with a blanket of heat. My body is trying to sweat out this cold. And no, it's not a fever, I have no cold chills.

I seriously feel as if I've forgotten how to sleep.

The Hassles of Bad Health


3:23pm - The sound of silence is so heavy on my ear as I awaken. It takes me a while to realize that this is not a continuation of my depressive dreams. Why do I feel down? Can I really blame it on health side effects or is it really me. I wished I had my all to take on the world. Instead, only half of me stands before the world. All I seem good for is to feel.


august 28 - 4:01am - The vitamin-taking has become habitual. It's no longer a bitch to remember, but it is a bit hard to note differences and change. Partially because my brain is so absorbed with dealing with all the different moods I find myself in. So many emotions and cycles run through me in a day that I often think many days have passed when it's more likely to just have been a day. 
I did notice that my dreams have become less violent, however. Or maybe that's just me trying to locate differences that aren't really there. Like I said, I wouldn't really know unless if I take notes on a calendar like before. But I don't wish to do that again. They say that people have a tendency to overestimate the severity of things. Well, last time I kept a record of my dreams/nightmares, I realized that it was even worse than I thought! That's a little too depressing for me to handle.
The mixture of constant pressure to direct/control my emotion with the wide range of emotions felt and non stop thinking is causing daily headaches for me. :( Extra-strength advil doesn't relieve it completely anymore, but it does prevent it from falling worse. Like I said before... I don't realize the severity of things due to me only focused on maintaining myself through each day. I didn't realize how much advil I had been taking into the whole container was gone in less than 2 months!

I find myself wishing away once again.


3:01am /
It's almost like being in quicksand. Upon falling in, your first concern is to get out. You're overwhelmed with panic as you realize each frustrated move is only bringing you closer to doom. After a long while, your concern is only to keep your head above the surface as you await help. Every now and then you catch yourself trying, though with precaution and care, success is still far off. Every wrong move brings you so much closer. Every right move merely keeps your head above the surface.

It's got me asking... What is success? Maintaining despite the unwelcomed events that has threatened to push me deeper? Or actually getting out altogether? This is like one of those "it's not about the destination, but the journey" quotes. Only... despair will fall upon me if I fail to get anywhere with this.


I'm in another phase yet again. I jump from one mood to another rather abruptly. It's not even mood actually. More like likes and dislikes. It seems my dreams have followed as well.

I've been dreaming of someone taking care of me in my dream. But I can't see that person's face. You would think that it's a good thing to dream this, yet in my dream... I grow with panic because I feel their touch is fading. In the last part of the dream, a bad person tried to take me away and I called for help as I tried desperately to reach for him through a cage. Ironically, I wasn't in the cage... He was.


11:37pm


The need to free from these mental hiccups, replaying itself like a broken record in my head. The desire to be released from the grips of bad health. The yearning for freedom...
My room grows more bear as each year passes by. Cleaning and discarding as if my mind grows more clear with it. The mental luggages are packed... But they are to remain if I am to leave. I've taken the fundamentals with me, it's become a part of me. It breathes with me, it'll never die... This is something I cannot forget. What I need is with me. I don't wish to carry more than I need. I want my hands free to embrace freedom when I can.

I continue wishing and waiting as if it's coming... Because it's all I know to do. And I can't be taught any other way but to feel a desire to live.


Despite studying for 12 hours yesterday and for another 6 hours the next morning, I don't feel like sleeping. I did my last exam for this term. It's amazing how my psychology course reflects so many of my ideas and thoughts I already held.
Philosophy was not my match, psychology is holding up a lot better. Though sometimes it makes me feel a bit insane... Everything loses it's "magic" and seems to consist of biology and science.



4:27pm /



Ne-Yo / @ Plush ( Please ignore the girl in the beginning, I dont know what that was about :P )

The plans to attend was a bit shaky until the last few hours. It's nice being able to go in for free and cut lines though, so I wanted to take advantage of it! Though VIP was spacious, it was a bit far from him. I didn't walk in as a fan, but I walked out as one. He gave an energetic, interactive performance. Except I don't get the concept of the sweaty towel souvenirs. Why would you want that!? We saw some dude catch it and jump with joy. Hahah

I've always heard stories of how great love is. It can survive through the roughest conditions, the farthest distance. It can bring you to your knees yet at the same time, it can bring forth a sense of strength in you that you never knew existed.

I've been through the rough, I've been stripped of the pride and I've discovered the endurance of my strength... Yet, the void for happiness still remains empty.

I guess I should be concluding this with a bitter note, but in truth, I'm not sure where I'm getting at. That's just it. This whole thing has left me with a puzzled feeling. No sort of conclusion or understanding of what I held, just what I lost in terms of myself. It's almost like having only one path to go yet feeling lost despite that. Like gaining, while losing . I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm stronger than before, nor am I not. I'm just... here.




August 12 / 5:29pm -
What happened? I suddenly feel more exhausted than ever, the nightmares have become more vivid, and I feel so down and depressed again. My head is aching, bones keep cracking and I'm sweating from exhaustion from just sitting.

The only way I know how to feel better is to advance, but I can't. In the time it takes me to take one step ahead, everyone else has taken many more. These days I find myself asking why I even exist... Not even why I live, but why my soul exists. I no longer see myself. I surround myself with horoscope/zodiac books reminiscing of what I'm supposed to be like.

I woke up this morning, with worsened aches all around my back, painful headache, and a tired mind... All this to force happiness... Happiness I've never truly felt. And I thought... What's the point. To tell the truth, I wished I never existed. All I could think of though, was my parents. I wish I can offer them more.


The added pain of deceit from close ones is killing me. I want to push all those ones that hurt me out. The only way for me to do that is get ahead.

It hurts me more than I show.



I threw all of these in the garbage



I added these to my vitamins

That makes 12 + a day, but whatever works.




Even my creams are vitamin enriched :)


This weekend has left me more exhausted than the norm. Jetskiing at cultus lake left me with stiff muscles. I went to a chinese chiropactor the following day who intensified the aches, to bring it out or something. But then I worsened it again when I went riding for 2 hours with Michelle on her motorcycle. Not too smart.

I went for lunch with my parents before then and they got me some junk food too.



That simple thing made me really happy. I feel so happy inside that they invest so much in me. Just as deceit and being abandoned can hurt me really bad, someone who truly believes in me can make me really happy.



I got some new pens too. The black one has cows, blue has bunnies and my favorite, light green has monkeys. Would you believe that in this huge pencil case:



...I have no proper working pens? I used them up or they broke.



I got my mommy a cream from nu skin too


10:17pm
This is the most peace I can expect to feel.

I planned to get out today even though I was exhausted. I only had about 7 hours of sleep which is almost 50% short. At around 4pm I passed out again. I had just taken all my vitamins beforehand. I'm praying this is some just some kind of trigger point before it starts working... I woke up shaky, tired and sweaty. I felt extremely alone and sad. Yet, at the same time the cool air allowed me to feel some sort of eagerness to run around outside. Just that feeling of pure eagerness made me feel some sort of peace. I usually feel this prior to a full moon or when there is one. I can't explain it, moonlight just eases my soul.

Sigh... I'm just chasing for change.


to more than one: Last time I seen ya, it's been a long time. Stop smiling now and get that look off your face. Please don't even talk, stop being so fake. I know you do not like me and you made it very clear. Always talking bout me from what I hear. Always putting me down when you thought that you could

Wasn't it you that said, thought I was the bad in you
Said I didn't have a clue... wasn't it you that said that I wouldn't make it through.

And wasn't it you that said that I didn't look too good? That I wouldn't do too good?

I'll be doing all the things you never thought I could...