...For what we can't see, we can't acknowledge.
And what we fail to grasp in understanding, we fail to hold.

---

July30 - The bad feels worse.

This feels different... Like wind blowing hard from another direction, but carrying just as many knieves with it.



August01 -
Horrible, simply horrible. I feel very beaten.
The bad signs continue on. Black crows at my tiny window still, beating it's wings against my glass while making cries into the sky. Dead, crisp leaves falling before my steps in the season of summer. Thorns pricking my fingers and causing a painful allery reaction. Bees ( one of my most feared ) have made a beehive right in the center path to the front door.

I never knew.

As life handed me more, I tried to give out more, thinking I had it handled or at least maintained. But in the midst of this quiet struggle, I didn't realize how I was losing little by little. I've been replaced by anger, restricted thinking, and unexplainable and unjustified behavior. I am a wreck.

I thought I was okay, I couldn't explain the tears flooding to my eyes. I really couldn't. Why did the muscles in my eyes seem weaker than usual... Why wasn't it able to retain the tears? And how did it happen before I had any conscious thought processes that directed this to happen? All it took was one extra comment to make me admit defeat.

I find myself saying that I want to go home when I'm already sitting in my own room.







Sometimes I just wish so hard, it almost hurts.

I'm feeling an all over ill. My body's breaking down again.


11:41pm -
Hardship is like medicine, we hold a greater chance of becoming better through them... If only we learn to take it in correctly.

Is life this simple...? That when I feel sad, there is no way for me to appreciate the pain? And when I am happy I easily forget what I have endured? Is life simply about the feeling at the moment and nothing else? Is the only antidote happiness? Granted, that is my goal. And I suppose this pain provides a sort of bittersweet feeling... If happiness is my goal... Pain cannot be appreciated at it's fullest capacity if it cannot direct me to a higher sense of happiness. So I guess it's just that... I still find tiny bits of happiness that I've found with my mind in this ordeal, but I surely cannot appreciate it if I do not see myself out of it. And I know it cannot be so easily forgotten for it's built into my character now.


August 04 / 8:29am

Sigh. That should say it all. Repeat.

I have a huge mosquito bite once again. I'm badly allergic now for some reason. Its even managed to stimulate my arthritis pain. It hurts AND it itches.




At first glance, you might mistake this for my leg. But that is not my knee.
It's the mosquito bite adding a huge rise to my arm! It's deswelled quite a bit too!
There's another one higher up on my arm, but it's harder to take a picture of. That one isn't as bad though. It seems I'm more sensitive on the lower parts of the arm.



Let's compare this to last years. 0_o

From the feelings of total break down to barely being able to maintain... I soon began to wake up from my so-called sleep feeling a new sense of emptyness. One that doesn't just feel as if I was longing for happiness anymore, but would welcome complete nothingness. My soul weary from constantly striving to simply feel adequate and yet still falling short. The new direction of my goal had me aiming for nonexistance. Such a selfish wish that even I was surprised to feel. The possibility of happiness seemed so far stretched as I spent years of barely feel capable in maintaining my emotions. I just needed a more concrete change, one that did not just reside in me, but was strong enough to stretch outwards into time to restart it once again. Is there a true thing as freedom? Not really, but just the illusion that many have been granted would do me just fine. I just wanted to feel like myself.

There was no true escape. Death still leaves your soul wandering and waiting which I already do now. Sleep held a new definition for me, it wasn't a moment of rest, but a moment of uncontrolled thoughts attacking me. From dust to dawn, there was no peace of mind. It's bad to have nightmares, it's worse to be able to recall each one, it's worse yet again when it merely illustrates the dread you feel in your waking hours. Where do you go, what can you do but pray.

My feelings on this, strays back and forth from feeling as if I have no more to give to believing I can endure a little more. As you know from my past posts, this struggle has been quite consistent and it has changed no less.

It's been a long time coming, the knowledge is neatly collected and sorted within me like packed luggage before a trip. I anticipate the adventures out there, but it seems it's never time for me to go yet.


Two things occured today that gave me a glimpse of happiness. Receiving 96% from my last torturous exam made me feel fulfillment as I had actual evidence of hardwork translated into a more concrete form of progression. Prior to this the disicipline I restricted myself to helped me to endure, but seldomly changed anything in the situation around me.

Life has no room for those who are dealt with bad cards, it soon forgets you and the weaknesses you're subjected to without choice.


I'm moody, irritable and angry as I find everything slipping from my fingers as if worth was never instilled in me to begin with.

Make it like poetry; everything wrong you see, make it more than alright.

A weak body guided by a strong but tired mind.

Everyday before going to bed, I pray the same prayers, breathe the same desires... And as I lay in the dark, the same visions dance with color before me. Living has seemingly become nothing but opportunities to remember. I await that day when life will take me with it's flow. It's not time to recall, but to create.

The suppression weighs heavier night after night, my body grows more tired as the thirst of my soul grows stronger.



My situation and surroundings remain the same as my thoughts and soul push forward. Nothing has changed except me; taking the "little" yet painful stimulation I receive from life to build a stronger character. I yearn for the day when I can excersize and express the actions I wish into the world. Sometimes waiting idly by is harder than making things happen. You're left with mostly disicpline to soothe you and fewer distractions. The only award at the end of the day is mostly that you've endured and maintained. Strangely satisfying yet not enough as you still find yourself in the same status and place. I need to go.


7:01pm - I had a dream I was falling apart and had a presentation to do that I couldn't get together. I dreamt it was years later and I was still in the same place. I pointed at a star then sat beneath it on a bridge and tears started flooding out that I couldn't stop. I dreamt someone carried me to a counsellor's office and no one was there to help.
I woke up and my head is pounding like a bitch and now I must attend to the preparation of my presentation...

I never gave my headaches much attention in the past, but I've noticed they happen more often than I thought. A container of 16 tablets only has 2 remaining in a period of 2 months and a half months. It's been more bad than usual lately.

New destinations, new meditations, new realizations.

all the things I was used to...

11:06am - I am... Feeling quite stupid indeed.

Sometimes someone says someone that is so simple that it makes me wonder why I need to spend so much time thinking.

I'm also feeling quite lost and empty.


8:26pm - july 21

I'm at my last strength.

I don't need to talk, I don't need to express...
I just need change. I can't live like this.

8:12pm - July 22

I can't do this. Nothing's getting better.

Does time exist if one doesn't acknowledge it? Is the only thing that can mark time, change? If I were to fall into a coma today and wake up 10 years later, will there be any difference in the way I feel? I don't think so. Time is change, you need to feel the change within you.

I'm sure you heard of the expression, time flys by? Well, I'm the opposite. I feel it's frozen. I felt it has stopped for the past 7 years... Even more so in the past 4? Which is what made any pain even more exaggerated during this time.

If pain is diluted through time and time is marked by change... Then the more change there is, the faster time should move. So I try to push it... But there's a problem... If now feels as if I'm constantly pushing the hands of a broken clock.


When you feel yourself being pushed to the limit, it makes you take crazy leaps to try to withstand it.

This pain has seeped so deep within me that I feel this emptiness overcoming me. At times I fear that if I should suddenly die that day, that I will never have even this slim chance to escape the feeling. Part of me wishes I were out, seeing my forced smile reflect in another's eyes until I believe it. The other side of me feels its useless if it's not true.

No matter how far I run, the pain awaits my return.
Pain is not diluted through distance but time... Right?



The only thing I'm running on now is faith. I don't even know how I'm still pushing my body this much. I feel the aches gaining on me even more so.


Truth is, I just don't know what I'm waiting for anymore.
I'm just walking with a blindfold and my head aimed to the sky.



7:34pm - I see everyone being consumed with bitterness ( some more easily than others ) and I just can't let it happen to me as well. I lash out on people everyday, I'm moody, I'm irritable yet still I try to will against it, I don't want my actions to be determined by such weakness.

Some people chase for their desires with such a selfish attitude that they get the opposite of what they're looking for. Greed steers you off path cause it has you reaching for everything within your reach. You don't hold the heart to appreciate and understand what you want and how to achieve it.




Thoughts of logic are not enough. They can only cross into wisdom if they are strong enough to strip away be overcomed with emotion. This is something I have not attained. I have not grasped true understanding. I know it, but I can't do it. I am still a slave to my emotions.

Trying to speak of reason and logic to the heart... I realize one thing, the heart seems to hold the mind of a 5 year old, unable to rationalize, only feel.

No matter how much logic resides in my head, the heart is 2 steps behind. Sulking and requiring more time to heal... And even when if it does, at sudden times, you still hear it whimper a tear or two as if it has learned nothing at all. Endurance builds muscle, and with practice muscles become hard. The heart is a muscle and it too grows more tense as it is pushed through obstacles. My heart has received multiple beatings. How do you hold a heart that is not vulnerable yet still not hard as a rock, stripping it of its purpose? I guess in the long run, it does receive your messages, it just needs a little more time to swallow them.



12:35am - The exam was brutal. All written, no multiple choice, 2 essay questions. There was little time to think... Let alone for any problems in concentration (luckily, I was fine this time). Only 3 classmates finished ahead of time. The rest was writing up to the few remaining minutes. I didn't even have time to go pee. My classmate beside me kept grabbing his head in frustration. My poor wrist is soo sore and so is my upper back now. 0_O

Laying my head on my pillow, I have nothing to distract me from reality. Ironically, I am forced to face reality in my dreams.


8:58am - Bad luck? Or just the story of my life... Sigh. This shit has been going on for way too long. :(

I can't seem to sigh loud enough to get it all out. I can't seem to find that little part of me that rejuvenates the rest of me. I just can't do it. And I feel like this is it. After all those years of picking myself back up and dusting myself off... I just can't do it now.
I can't enjoy much. It feels like I'm tasting life through a filter that strips things of its taste, but not form. So in other words, I try to create the illusion of happiness with my mind because I detect that it should be happy, but I don't feel it. I'm been unhappy for so long with consistent downs everytime I feel lifted.

My head is hurting from my irritation from everything. I feel so angry about everything that I just want to cry at times. It doesn't even make sense.


3:51pm - I'm so tired. I think this is why I let the sadness sink into me. I went overboard again...

I had those dreams filled w/ anxiety again. In one, I paced about in anger after my enemy who was upset with me throwing out nasty words of how there's something wrong with me even though logic doesn't appear in any of his reasons. He went upstairs where my parents room, my room and the washroom was located. All the doors were closed and all the lights were off including the hallways. He threatened to open all the doors to find out what's wrong with me. As if it were the gateway to my mind. I screamed no and I grabbed a knife and held it to his pair of runners in the entrance. My plan was this, I had to take something he cares about to make him stop. Apparently I really believe a pair of runners means more to him than me. I cut his runners up and told him not to open the doors. I told him I wanted to leave the house. I told him that he's to stay here now since he has no runners. I told him that I want to walk away and leave him there. I don't know what is so significant about my house. But I always dream of leaving it. I feel contained in it. Perhaps I just always need to be moving. Or maybe not.

Another dream continued. I was in my room. As I thought outloud, that eerie silence drifted over. The one that notifys me that something isn't "right". I was speaking of solutions to my problems. When I felt it I left the room and went into the living room. There I felt it again soonafter. Then I thought, "this silence shows me that I'm alone in an ironic way. Something(s) hears me, but it consumes my cries for help so that no one else may hear. I can hear myself too well as if it's being echoed back to me. No one else can hear me and I need to get out. One voice in me tells me to hold on. Another speaks and asks 'for what?'"

I woke up feeling like I wanted to run but there was no place to go. The pain is coming from within. ><

Bleh.

July 04 / This is my idea of weakness. Any temporary shortcut, such as... Redbull or Rockstar. Hah. Honestly, I don't even know if it has any effect on me. I think subconsciously I tell myself it does and I guess that's good enough for me. But even so, I feel frustrated with drinking something that's going to have a worse effect on me later on. I just can't think right now! I can't study... I just feel like shit. I feel exhausted to the point that I'm nauseated again.


3:24am - I am so damn frustrated. I just can't concentrate. I stare at the same words, repeating them and trying to grasp some sense but I just don't... The words just aren't seeping through. My head is hurting, it feels heavy. I'm almost finished the entire redbull to no avail. I need to do this but I just can't. One side of me attempts to put fun into my life to enjoy and stay positive, the other tries to progress productively and it seems like there just isn't enough in me to do both. I know people won't understand how I feel... They won't understand why I feel trapped. ><

I wish I can move forward as my soul wills without having to worry if my body can keep up. It's been 3 hrs and I'm still on the first page. Straining and wanting to cry. Why don't I understand? On the other side my thoughts continue to run off back to where the area I must leave behind.

8:07am - Okay, this redbull is definately not working. I have not felt one moment of heart rate increase. 0_o I guess it's the same as prescribed sleeping pills, my body bypasses it? I don't even know how that's possible. The only thing it's doing is making me sweat sticky sweat. Sheesh.

Why can't I be like Michelle - acting like a madwoman and doing few things at once with the caffine surfing her system. I've only studied 6 pages!!!

---

Unlike most people who process pain overtime, I let it hit me the hardest and then withdrawl to attempt to process it. Until I feel better to a certain degree, I don't want the world to see me. It doesn't mean I feel back to normal necessarily once I'm out, I can still feel like shit, just okay enough to force a smile. I learned from the past not to push what is unnatural of me to do. People don't understand this, they push me to do things thinking it's the "right" thing to do, which is go out and distract yourself. But during those days, I do nothing but think and cry. If I don't have my understanding and logic... I feel extremely vulnerable. I teach myself and I tend not to listen to other people. I just liked to be left alone and if I reach out then I need help... But most times I just need to find that grip on myself. I go from insane woman not knowing what to do with emotions to feeling hurt still but with a stronger sense of hold on myself.

I don't believe in drugs, in smoking, in drinking to delude yourself from mental pain. I believe in disicpline and understanding... Which is friggen agony at times. I came across many different thoughts the past few days. The kind of thoughts I hated to dig deep into as it hurts to even think about, but I always seem to run towards truth. Sometimes these thoughts I think about get to me so bad that I can nothing else until I reach a conclusion. Hence, the lack of sleep.

I've achieved that lately. But it's those damn nightmares that get to me. When I'm asleep my emotions seem to take over. Whatever strong emotion I felt comes running at me and hits me straight on in the dream. I wake up frantic, lost and nearly in tears. The worst part is I feel the replays of a painful feeling. So like I said, even though you can apply logic, pain is pain and it will still be stinging like hell.

I was exhausted yesterday. That could be the trigger point of them. When I'm exhausted my brain becomes "depressive" as I sleep. I went to the rave and tried to dance and have fun... Like the old school days. I didn't feel that free feeling as much, I had to force it a bit. I love music, it lends me energy... But in a way it felt like I was pushing it. It's like I'm taking out a loan that I can't afford. It leaves me in even further in debt. After I got home I wanted to cry, probably because my mind was tired.