7:26pm - You just sit around forgetting what you're supposed to feel. Forgetting that it matters. You keep fighting til your stomach burns, you don't want to give in to the label of worthlessness waiting for you.

I did my assignment yesterday... Then I was honestly too drained to get to class. The hill is so steep, I have even less energy now. Though, I know it's better for me not to push it at that... I just feel like everything I do wrong or lack is hurting me so bad....

I've been trying all these years and I just wanted a break..... But instead, it got worse with added physical pain.

---

June 28
2:32pm -
Picture a girl who hasn't gotten any real sleep in the past 2 days. Her attempts to sleep have caused delusions due to her inability to part her nightmares and reality. She doesn't understand how the dreams can flee to her mind when she barely even fell asleep yet. The time she recalls before fading into sleep is only a 5 minute difference and her eyes are become weary from the constant transition of feeling tired then as if she's being shocked to wake up.

My mind just isn't there. I'm pissed, I'm sad, and mentally and physically drained.

I keep trying to eat, but I think my body uses it up too fast cause I never feel full and yet I don't too much of an appetite to eat. I can't stand these minor ups then major downs.

---

8:01pm - I feel worse. I wish this pain would descend. I feel like giving up, and even then I don't know what giving up means. I'm hardly holding anything at it is. There's no escape. No relief. I tried telling again, thought I'll feel better, but again I don't.

I asked a friend this question before... Is it a blessing to be mentally strong? To hold the ability to withstand and tolerate? She said yes. The reason why I ask is this. When a person cannot take it, attention is drawn and the world usually eases up at that point. The "strong" person is fed all this pain and expected to hold it down. No one really notices until you break down and they begin to soften up. It seems almost as if the world requires you to take the most pain that you can. The softer person usually is given help, the stronger person takes more and more til they can't take anymore and is then given attention. Is the amount of pain felt the same? Or does the stronger person feel less because they're "strong"? I always hear people complaining to me of how I don't understand and that they have it worse than me without knowing my situation. I wonder, is it really worse because you're "soft", is the amount of pain the same, or do you just have a tendency to complain? Few weeks later I see everything is made back okay for them and I think... They were given attention because they broke down and the world was more attentive to them. So does it really pay being strong at times? What's the point? Of course... So you can feed more intellect and strength in your soul... But then what? Then you become a rigid bitter but strong person?

People often look at me and their impression is that I'm weak, a complainer and immature. Even my doctor thought so. Which is why he disregarded my complaints for the longest time. The only person who didn't gave me a breath of fresh air. She said: You seem tired, like mentally... It seems like you're weak, but then I don't think so... It seems like you're taking something on and you're exhausted. It's weird because you smile when you talk and everything so it seems like you're happy... So it mixes in with that weak impression and I think people think you're just immature and weak. But it doesn't make sense, because I know how much you think, I know you stand up to people who try to piss you off and you don't like people complaining about stupid things.

Anyway, it seems I'm taking in both worlds then. I appear soft, but I consistently try inside every time I'm knocked down. Yet... WHERE IS MY RELIEF AND ATTENTION. Hah... I just get frowns from people thinking I'm just generally weak cause I'm not talking too much bout it to them and those who really harm me thinking that I can take it.

Well, just cause I can "take" it, doesn't mean I deserve to feel it.
jiu yin wei wo shou de liao na zhong tong bing bu dai biao wo yin gai cheng shou ta

---

I thought this post deserved it's own page though it doesn't differ too much from the last one... At least situationally. But mentally, I've hit another stage.

I, again, find myself longing for my privacy and a secluded environment.

I know myself well, and I know how I will react, but it doesn't mean I can necessarily restrain it. I find myself in that vulnerable state where I pace back and forth in my room til I manage to find a state of tolerance for my situation. It's occured enough for me to know that I can do little else until I achieve this. I feel vulnerable and open to the world and I must seek for that little amount of strength left in me... And if it isn't there, I must create it... Because until I do, my health may fall apart and I still won't give it the attention it deserves.

I kept asking myself for the past hours, who am I? Where has that girl gone who knows what she thinks and accepts them as facts. It's been said that my first impressions are usually the most accurate and I can percieve things with clarity and precision, yet... the kindness of my heart tends to will me the other direction... Suddenly I find myself feeling timid and beatened down by the world. I already feel locked within these past years, where else can I go? Must I turn so inward til I become nonexistant? Pain has to go some
where.

Facts and logic. It's the antidote I use to relieve myself temporarily. I'm not a person who feels safe handling emotions; I understand them, but it doesn't mean I can handle them well. At least... At first.
I broke out my chinese zodiac books just to feel some type of relief that who I am, what I've been going through has been acknowledged... Cause that's really want I want in a way, acknowledgement. Not asking for the world's attention since I never am comfortable with too many people knowing things... But from where it counts, it would greatly help me.
I read my horoscope for this year and the years before, all seemed so accurate. In year 2005, (in short)it said not to accept anything without close inspection. I will experience something new, but be careful of it. There will be a lot of up and downs. In year 2006, they said it was another rough year, but I have tried my best to be benevolent despite the bad deeds done to me, and I will be looked after. Also, I will have a much needed friendship come in when others have stepped out. In year 2007, yet another rough year, but they said I will begin to find even more new friends in my circle... Which is rare since I'm so closed-off. A repeat pretty much of the year before with the bad occurences. My attempt to keep promises and show loyalty will pretty much bite me in the ass. But keep the perserverance high. Try not to revenge on those who have taken advantage of your good nature.

I couldn't see before 2005 but I didn't have good years prior to that either. They were more stable nonetheless.

Something another horoscope book said about me I found very true, it said I know myself well as well as others, yet when emotions are stirred, I begin to lose it. It said that although I dont care for many people's opinions because I don't respect them enough, inside I still feel very unloved. Thus, I seek acceptance or the feeling of acknowledgement. But because I'm the type to only keep a rare few near, I only care of their opinion. If they don't give this to me, I can become a wreck and feel so rejected. It said I'm born in the year of innocence. I know a lot of things ( facts and thoughts ), and seem cold and reserved. It's only because I know how people can be. So somehow in an ironic twist, I'm innocent, yet can grasp the impression of evil well.


I know it sounds a bit idiotic, but reading things about myself or just fortunes make me feel better. It feels as if I'm applying logic and facts to it.

Well, in my chinese zodiac it said that once I am really hurt, I like to withdraw either in total isolation or have only loved ones near. I think that's the stage I'm in. I don't want to talk to anyone except those I feel "safe" around. I guess that's the people who read my blog, except for some specific few.

I'm not asking for answers right now, I'm just asking for somewhere to go... I feel like I'm standing lost in the middle of the street while passerbys carry on their way.

How can it be, that a person who dislikes emotion can sense it so easily? The book said I'm a natural psychiatrist, but can I mend myself?

There's a lot of things I want to do, a lot of interests I contain. A lot of things I've felt, and a lot of things I want to feel. But I feel like my intuition is driving me crazy. I sense something is wrong before it happens, yet it just drags on the period in which I have to fret about it.

For the next while, my emotions are not going to be stable. I already know. But one thing that is certain is that I just want to withdraw right now. I feel wounded and I want to hide because I'm too weak to fight back.

Sigh...

It shouldn't feel like such a struggle to enjoy each day... But as much as I believe that... I can't help but feel like it is. I don't even know what I can do to rid this bottomless pit feeling in my soul anymore... I mean I thought I did. But... Things change... Or never was.

It's those wee hours into the night where I lay in silence, after all the commotion and distractions have faded away, and I face every unhappy feeling head on. It's too late to continue the day yet it's also too early to begin the next. I just lay with the helpless feeling of being unable to escape from my thoughts. I don't want to face my nightmares today, I'm not ready.

I try so hard to be happy... But I just don't have it right now. It feels as if I'm desperately trying to maintain or feel "normal" again, but I don't. Life has takened off without me and I feel as if by the time I catch up, it will already be too late.


I made plans for another event on Saturday, I'm trying to eat more again, I'm doing small excersizes again and I'm trying to get out more. My head started burning again and I have a pounding headache.

I don't know why I'm doing it. I suppose it's what I said before, I don't wake up because I'm happy, but for the chance that I may be one day. I just feel so pinned down to these problems. Seems like more and more symptoms reveal itself everyday and more and more anger gets to me.

It pains me to see the girls around me unhappy or being treated the way they are. I know they're good girls. I see other people being greedy, selfish, cruel and it angers me they even have anything. I want all of us to overcome everything. "Cry and you cry alone, smile and the world smiles with you." Remember that? Like I said, why force yourself to smile because these people don't give a damn to stop for you. The worth of that quote just crumbled some more.

I don't wish to smile with the world, just my friends.

Before the beginning of great brilliance, there must be chaos. - I Ching

I looked at your face, I saw it all... It had just died. I saw that you couldn't care less about what you do. Couldn't care less about all the lies. You couldn't find the time to cry. You forgot about love, forgot about faith, forgot about trust, forgot about us. Now it's returning back to Heaven, where it began. You said that you had said all that you had to say. You said "babe, it's the end of the day." You didn't respect it. You went and neglected it. You didn't deserve it, but I never expected this.

...It's back in God's hands.


9:45am -
Life goes more painfully slow and I find myself waiting for the new year again. These past 7? years have given me extra baggage with no where to go. It isn't so easy to surround myself with distractions anymore. Every turn, every sight is the reminder that I'm only half of who I truly am. Yet, instead of breaking out more of myself each year, I see less of me. I've done as I could. I may not be able to throw myself into the world right now but I attempted to take on the quieter battles that were a threat to my character. I still can't tell who's winning. All I know is that I sure as hell feel like I'm losing.

Just a dragged on post attempting to gain some strength

I feel like something big is going to come. Deep inside, I fear it's worse. But the sad part is, this possibility of a change is the only reassurance I have to cling to.


I'm running out of distractions, ideas, faith. I'm breaking inside... Yet, I know it's only visible to me. I feel the cracks deepening every night. Everytime it nears my heart I feel as if it literally hurts.

Physically and mentally I'm no longer in my element.

I used to tell myself before that when it's all over, I would write about it and imagine the joy of letting it all out. Revealing what the problem was, what I felt and everything. If you know me, you know I don't like to talk about something unless it's done with. But ... Nowadays, I wonder if I even will be able to ever do that.

I look around me and feel so lucky, but also angry that I can't enjoy it for what it's worth.

---

I am behind.

I have a lot of empty voids to fill.

I can't do this anymore. You think it's over but it keeps going. My faith is weakening. I have nothing right now. As if I am a wandering ghost stuck in the same cycle with no way of breaking through.

I'll never understand anything. I'll never feel anything else it seems. Life is such a lie. They say when you're breathing, you're living; but I feel nothing but death in my soul. I want to do all the things I used to without such a negative effect afterward.


My dreams have transformed themselves into nightmares. The only reminder of happiness I have is from the sight of others. You know what sucks about feeling like this? You have nowhere to go. There is never a limit in life in how bad it can get. There's no escape. Screaming enough isn't enough. Life seems to enjoying kicking you when you were already down.



I don't want to be mad anymore, I don't want to care more... I don't want this shit up in my face. I have more to deal with. Yet, it has been made a deep part of my life already and the best I can do is try to soothe all that's happened. But evidently, its not working anymore. It backfired big time and I feel so frustrated.

---

The days take a turn, and it's getting the best of me.

I feel as if I'm in a hospital trying to tend to my wounds. Restricted to limited space, forcing myself to eat and sleep. Like the flimsy, loose gown we must wear, I feel exposed and vulnerable. Nothing of this is within my element. I feel a sense of helplessness stronger than I've ever encountered. I sit and wait for a doctor that never comes, never heals, never cares. The only antidote is time... And I know enough to know that time only forces the pain so far within you that you think it's gone, when in actuality, it has transformed itself as bitterness in you. These nightmares are filled with anxiety. The stabs have now become multiple stabs accompanied with a twist. I've been waking up every 3 hours per rest lately with a tense headache and sleep that doesn't ease. My weight is dropping and it frustrates me yet I just watch. I realize how pessitimistic I sound... I lost that part of me that turns it around in the end, and tries again. The years of desperately trying to avoid the sadness seems to be failing. It hit me so hard I am out of breath. I'm locked away in my room again, I don't feel well to get out.

---

2:48am - The first step to acceptance is understanding what it is that you are required to accept. Much of the pain we experience rests in the dwelling period of trying to figure out what it is that's being asked of you. Even then, it isn't so easy as to say anything brought to you can be taken in and overcome without bitterness. In the best attempt to avoid this, you must handle it with care. It's a struggle attempting to transform pain into wisdom... You just won't know whether you can make it or not til the end.

Acceptance doesn't symbolize happiness to me. It provides a sort of peace and understanding... But it feels more as an attempt at keeping things neutral than anything else to me. Given, it does create character and a sort of enlightment that guides you... But there still seems to be a destiny that is still remaining.

Pain gives character when processed the right way. It gives you strength and growth. But the only purpose I see for it, is so we are more capable in our fight for "true" happiness.

Happiness is something else. Happiness is more concrete. It isn't simply peace of mind or acceptance to me. It's everything and then some.

Logically, I know what I need and what I'm seeking. But it's not there. No matter how much I accept my current situation standing, there will still be a yearning, a boundary that I must be over. Thus, I know... happiness cannot always be measured with mere acceptance. It's like asking a person to accept the fact that they can't breathe and they shall be happy. =/

My mind is gone, I'm standing alone.

I have to accept it, no matter how hard I push right now, it's not going to go anywhere.



"Do just once what others say you can't do and you will never pay attention to their limitations again."

- James R. Cook


1:07pm - I'm feeling so eager. I like that feeling :) Just eager for living.




3:47am / Perhaps I've been standing too close to understand what I was looking at.

Fluctuations in my mood... As usual... Only more. I can't seem to decide what I feel. It's a fragile juggle from conquering things and maintaining enough energy for my mind to feel stable.



june12 - The days when I'm thinking away I seem to run back to this thought:

What will I do when one day there's little to do... When life begins to slow into old age. Will understanding and peace of mind be enough to soothe my soul enough to lose the eagerness it has? Even more, what happens after we pass away? Do we hang around, away from life's problems? Away from challenges, obstacles, the rush of life?

From everything I've been going through especially in the past years, I should be quicker at accepting delays and tolerating any suppression to the soul, but I don't. I've never truly lost my desire to live, which is why it felt/feels like agony. I can't carry out my emotions in life all the time, so it attacks me in my nightmares. In other words, I can't always rid of emotions by transforming them into actions to construct something more positive out of it, so it remains at the back of my head.

---

Opinionated Thought:

Why is it that when a person tries to go for another person they find really attractive, but is considered "out of their league" by others... And so happen not be able to have them... They label that person as shallow? But aren't they just as shallow as ( more often than not ) they were attracted by their looks to begin with?



10:54pm -
I can't control what you choose to say/do to me... Nor can you guarantee how I'll receive it. Once we walk away, you won't know what I'm thinking anymore. I'm not saying this with a positive or negative tone. I'm just trying to say, I attempt to learn everyday, you just can't be sure what it is I learned the time when we're apart.

I don't know how I feel exactly. It changes. It's always been changing for the past while. I don't really care... But one thing that never changes is that I always think of it.

---

I went to bed and throughout the entire night I dreamt of trying to catch up to time... dreams were moving so fast. I dreamt I didn't want to do anything. I dreamt I suddenly got sick and the weather became great and I was left in the dark again. I dreamt I had an important class to go to but no motivation to go so I didn't. Then I dreamt there was no one for me to talk to and I was all alone. All this was the opposite of what I felt the past week. My dreams were filled with anxiety, fear and anger.