You just keep going...


There are so many things I've written, yet so few I can bear to read... But still it has allowed me to arrive to the conclusion that I must strip away those little tendencies I have, those things I'm not sure why I do but do it anyway. It has made the feeling of suppression even greater. Every sight, every move, seems to hold it's own thought. I feel tense just moving about, worried of what I must feel obligated to do next. I've started a mental block in my head, but that block itself seems to hold a lot of weight on it's own as well.
Sometimes I wonder, will I ever be able to look through everything I've written again? I can't even stand most my writings the next day. I can't stand holding on to past pains, only lessons... For the most part, words just have had a way of stimulating reminders in me that causes me to feel as if I'm in that moment again.

So let me ask you something, is it important to remember how you became the way you are... I mean down to the details... Should you recall that pain and never let it go? Let's say you suffered during a period of your life and finally you are able to move forward... Does remembering every fine detail show that you've learned it well and will not forget it easily because it's made such an impact on your life... Or does just living out your life afterward show it has made you stronger and that you have learned a new sense of appreciation?

... For most issues, I'm the type to think deeply of each issue when it's happening, but after I have concluded what I have or that period of my life is over, I don't ever want to look back. It's not so much that I wish to forget it, I just want to remember it the way I have filed it into my mind, with its lessons. I don't want to feel the feelings of the past possess me. I don't want to spend another minute feeling it. But then... Sometimes I stop to think, am I not remembering it for what it's worth? Should I spend more time taking it in more... I cannot let a time of growth be wasted... What if I recalled it differently... And the main question... How can it be that it's dragged me down so bad and I can act as if it never happened... Perhaps I really am missing something here. I am so quick to run away and be happy it seems like I am more caught up with happiness than what I've learned. That's what makes me stop... But I am not sure whether that's true or not... I guess I just find it puzzling how eager I am to move forward all the time.

I can't control everyone else, only myself... And that's already a lot of work. But it gives you a sort of power you can't find anywhere else. It's almost feels like it no longer matters what happens around you as long as what is within you remains the same.


5:34am - 05/18:
Worn down. Today I had a rare moment of waking up and feeling totally awake. I thought, this is it. I don't need anymore sleep. I'm refreshed now. How soon I speak than to realize after I get up that I feel extremely tired still. The fog begins to set in my mind creating a sort of dull ache, my body reveals it's frustration with me by sending pain through my muscles and I start to feel like I haven't even slept.

The only reason I got this feeling that "I'm refreshed" this time is because I pretty much had only a 6 hour day before I fell to exhaustion and passed out. I wake up and my head is still facing the same headache as last night. It's not just the feeling of having fog in my head anymore. My right shoulder started throbbing yesterday. I feel like my bones have begun to ache as well. The "dissolving" feeling that makes me want to cry. I feel so uncomfortable right now. As if any exhausted movement can stimulate pain somewhere... And it doesn't take much to exhaust something. My mind says enough, but my body needs more rest again. I feel so sensitive to emotion right now. Grumpy, irritable, sad.

I'm pretty sure I have had a constant mild fever this past week. A lot of symptoms attacked, but for the most part, it didn't bother me too much. It's when I feel like I can't be myself, that I feel bothered. Today is the daily occurrence only worsened. All as consequence of last week... I have to pay for it somewhere. It's not so easy to just say I did something and be done with it.

It doesn't seem as if there's any moment of relief from the main symptoms. I have to work under a lower set standard and pretend that this IS me, this is who I am. It isn't something you can temporarily fix or rid for the moment and not have to worry about it til the next time the problem arises again. It's constantly there. So persistent in its presence that I sometimes have difficulties remembering who I am inside.

Writing is my relief, my expression. Although, ironically I feel too self-contained to feel comfortable in confiding... It still helps me sort my thoughts. To me, it isn't as important as what happened, than what has been taken from it or what needs to be done about it. But the moments are increasing where I find myself straining to search my thoughts through the blur of fog in my mind. I'm not even sure if what I say even makes much sense. My mind throbs yet I keep trying just to relief the mental side of me.

On the plus side, I may have finally began to conquer the nightmares. Maybe it's only temporarily, but when I felt like I was almost touching happiness last week, it made me feel like I could escape from the feeling of suppression. I may not be having fun, but the idea that I'm able to feel like I can do whatever makes me feel happiness on a deeper level than most can't understand.


I can go through many types of phases and can still understand it's me. I can change my mind suddenly, and still feel a sense of me in my thoughtless decision. I can drop habits overnight just when it seems like it's own I am. But despite the ongoing years, I have not and cannot seem to accept this as a part of myself. I try to work around it and I think, I should by now not feel as tortured mentally, but I don't. I feel like it has a hold of me and my mind constant strains to feel free of it... But it's always there like a bad nightmare.

10:33pm -
Something's wrong here. Everything's coming back and attacking me. I feel the mental stress weighing down on my heart. It doesn't stop beating, but it sure does leave it in pain. I don't get it. I can't do this again. I'm done with it... It can only come once where I can draw the patience and innocence to tackle such a thing with enough strength to hold me over. As I said before, what doesn't kill you, does not make you stronger. It only reveals the underlying strength you already contained inside you... Or in other cases, the strength that runs short. If there is bitterness, there is an absent of strength. I'm starting to feel like bitterness is fighting for my attention while I attempt to blissfully look away. What happened to that girl who forced herself to look on pain head on to try to find understanding? I stand here confused as ever. Can you really tell me that life is undirected, unplanned, or unseen by a higher power? Even when life seems to present us with what seems to be perfect coincidences?

It scares me so much to think that all this will fall short and become nothing. It scares me so much to think that I was not smart and strong enough to take everything and turn it around. After the moment for chance and opportunity fades away, the rest of my time will be spent reflecting on what I failed at.

I'm feeling out of my element. Where has it gone all these years. WHY has it gone away? I'm trying to search for the feeling where I'm offered some reassurance and enough peace of mind to keep me from feeling scared, but I can't find it.

My expressions have begun to feel repetitive. Writing is no longer as relieving as it once was. While I'm trying to stray from the same persistent problems, expressing the same feelings is beginning to make me feel as if stuck and incapable of leaving these things behind. I've taken in different thoughts through the many mundane, suppressed years I've faced with the same scenarios. I guess that's why right now I have so little to say. It's not a time for thought as much as it is for action. And no matter how little these actions may seem to be, they're slowly forming the world I yearn to see surrounding me. So I guess it will make sense to say that they mean the world to me.


Right now I'm more focused on reflection. I want to wrap everything to take with me, I no longer want to be standing in it. Perhaps it's too early to be packing my bags, but I want to be ready when I am able to start moving. The feeling is getting to me and I just want to leave now. I just want to be able to get away from it. You have no idea how eager I am to feel like I'm living again.


If you keep waiting for perfection, it may never come.
Even if I don't believe in anything else, I still must believe in myself

---

May09 - I am so screwed. How am I going to do this? I can't do it all. It seems as if I'm just constantly trying to catch up. There's no longer the choice to be ahead.

I wish to delude my mind in believing superficialness is actual concrete happiness. If feelings weren't always present, things can be a lot simpler; our purposes can be seen with great ease. But in reality, feelings always seem to accompany our actions. It's ruining me. It's a magnet pulling in more negativity. At the back of my head I know feelings aren't permanent. Yet, when I feel sad... I can't help but feel as if it's been there for too long and that it'll never leave. It seems as if the present is all you can see. A black hole of emptiness. But I think it's safe to say that the sadness I hold here has been here too long. I haven't felt the presence of my entire self for a long time... And I miss it. You go back and forth trying every way to find the bits and pieces of yourself; everyday I tell myself what I've realized... But as always, I fall short. It hurts me to realize that time is at command here and when it's not time, there's little I can do. So many years... I'm not sure where to put it anymore.

I don't know who I am, but I know I am not who you make me out to be. I can feel I'm more than what is seen, but I can't help but feel weakened from the criticism. I don't know how to rid the pain, so I just keep chasing for my antidote. Meanwhile, the antidote has already expired.

Sigh. The dull ache in my skull is returning. The slightest feeling of it makes me tear up and cringe already. I keep saying I can't, but I have no choice but to transform it into can. Can't leaves choice for nothing else. Nothing is already what I feel I'm presented with... I have more than enough of that. It pains me to try to turn for solutions but see more problems. Right now, I don't/shouldn't care about anything else. But sadly, every time the sadness starts sneaking up on me again, I run to the same "solutions." It never does solve anything... It just makes me believe for the moment being that I have more than just "this."

But you and I both know, that's not true... At least not right now.
When things are better, things run together smoothly. When it goes down, everything goes down with it.


10:36pm - ^ One very frustrating thing is that I can't seem to control what I feel when I feel it. Waking up can feel different from when going to sleep. Throughout the day I react differently and hit many different mood swings. Seriously, I feel like I'm a puppet, forced to feel what is asked of me to. Half the time I take down previous writings when I read them and can't understand why I felt the way I felt. Cause 50% of the time it doesn't hold logic to it!

So did I break my rule? Of not writing anymore entries about "incomplete thoughts" and so forth? I don't think so?? Though I'm not even sure anymore cause the feeling of eagerness and excitement arent with me as much now... so I'm not even sure what idea I held in my mind of all this.

---

I saw a lot of thought provoking things today. Many kids/babies/pregnant mothers. I kept wondering what that kind of change would feel like... And I couldn't imagine it. Actually I couldn't imagine change for myself for much. I'm just an observer in the world right now. Nevertheless, the kids I witnessed today were so cared for by their mothers... Always their mothers more! An old man that was hooked up to the UV thing at the doctors - it took them so many tries to find a vein that wasn't clogged. He had done it so many times that has hand/arm was all deeply bruised... He kept his humor though. Even thinking about it makes me feel frustrated with his pain. The needles for those are huge. It's not AS bad when it's every now and then but when it's so often...? I remember there was one nurse who repeatedly tried to get it into me but kept doing it wrong. She was so worried cause she knew she wasn't doing it well that she closed the curtain around the bed so the other doctors/nurses at the hospital don't see. She seriously sucked. These are people who have to tolerate your mistakes with increased pain. When she took it off me she ripped the tape off with one hand, in one fast motion and the needle was still stuck to it as well causing it to lift within my skin. Seeing that old man go through - with a really good nurse was... :( You know he had to do it a lot. So many people were waiting to leave the doctors and get on with their life. It's as if once they stepped in there, their life is on pause and they're impatient. I saw a junkie meeting up with his hook up. An old lady waiting for the elevator with me asked me: "So why don't you take the stairs? I know if it was me in a younger version I would be running down there! Now I have this stupid cane." I didn't know whether to feel sad or motivated. The problem is it's so damn easy to exert myself. I feel so frustrated because the more you do is NOT the better the outcome for my case all the time. But I thought about it and I thought ugh, whatever... I should just start excersizing again... Cause I do miss it. I always feel like I am not worthy of complaints deep inside, I feel embarressed. I saw a young male who had some kind of mental problem. But it wasn't evident enough so that you can identify it straight up... you have to watch him for a while. At first glance you would assume him to be an annoying up to no good type of guy. But it was weird cause he was polite. He just seemed to always be doing something though, that it'll draw him to being bad. I watched everyone glare at him and I thought... What can you identify as your actual personality and not something decided by other factors? If other factors exist... does that mean you'll never know your true self?


Girls vs Guys

Girls like guys with nice cars and big money. Guys like girls with nice looks and big chests. I don't think it's the issue with gender as it is with mankind as a whole. Personally, I'm sick of people only seeing one side of things. I think girls are JUST as superficial as guys and I think guys are just as fake as girls nowadays.


7:35am -

If you were to lift the same amount of weight over a period of time, the weight seems to get heavier as your endurance wears down. In the same aspect, even if things have remained in the same frustrating state with little change, it still seems to gain weight as your patience wears down. There's little I can do about this and I'm aware of that. I keep pushing it back but I know the weight is beginning to break me down. I can't keep my emotions intact as well, I give in to pressure easier, I explode louder, I lose care faster.
If something is strong enough to stimulate happiness in you, you're happy regardless of where you are. Yet, when lose it, you feel the deep void that effects your ability to be happy despite whatever cheerful location/situation you may be in. Why is that?
Do we lose that much appreciation over things? Or have we simply found something that makes everything else seem like nothing...?


may14 2007

Loyal to a fault? Loyalty is supposed to be a good trait to contain. And I'm not talking about the sort of loyalty where it's out of your own weakness. Half there, but not wholeheartedly? Just enough to feel safe?

But obviously loyalty isn't a good thing when it starts destroying everything else that's good in you. Instead of saying to someone that you will always be loyal to them... Maybe you should say, "I will be loyal to the person I know you as right now. But if you should ever change, I owe nothing to that new stranger."

Some people need a lot of friends and feel good enough without having to invest much care for them. I want only a few but I will invest care for them.