It's not about where I'm at, but where I'm going to go.



I want to be built on reasons, not excuses.
but as much as I want that, I know there are still excuses in me,
excuses that I plan to turn into reasons in good time.
Experience doesn't make you who you are, it shows you who you are.



I try to be happy. Everyday I try and it takes more out of me then most people. I try to be appreciative of the things around me. I try to absorb the fact that if I try to sit here and wait for perfection, it may never come. I've come to realize many things, but at the end of the day, what I feel I can't control. I feel empty. Partially because inside, my soul knows the truth.
Have you ever been really good at something and one day you just lose it? You can pretend to hold the talent still, pretend it still exists... but it doesn't feel the same. My talent used to be loving life.


It's coming down. And the more I ignore it, the harder it knocks at my brain. Here comes the headaches.

Random notes of thought:

Loyalty seems to go through the harshest consequence/punishments.
Similarity seems to replay itself through friends.


I understand flaws and weakness more than one thinks. I just don't understand the lack of concern to overcome these flaws. Accept not to disregard, but to understand and grasp to overpower and change.

How do you change something if you do not understand it?

I feel as if my main concern is having a justified self. With that I mean with every action, I need to hold reason, even if I should acknowledge it to be weakness, things need to balance out and make sense. But things have started getting so complicated now. I don't know where to start, I forget what I hold. I need to constantly remind myself to feel strong.

I always need understanding of sense and logic. It makes me feel safe. Of course some things seem to lack logic, yet I can still grasp sense in its being. I seem to understand some things on a deeper level that surpasses any explanation I can explain in words. When we're young, we begin to think with words at a certain point. But what happens when you can understand something, but lack the words to fill in the "thought?"



- Michelle and I


I've finished my paper... I've picked up my notes... I've done this and that... I've been better than okay. I was actually happy for a day... Regardless of there being little change. I guess I've exhausted myself again, cause I'm sitting here nauseated and more than mere sad.

I always seem to return to this page when I find myself slowed.



I'm too exhuasted to process thoughts, let alone write





11:44pm -

There's a lot I want to do and very little I have done. I've taken a sip, but I want to quench my thirst. Uneventful days where I'm accompanied with more aches and fatigue than usual are beginning to be spent reconsidering, reorganizing, refreshing what my ideal desires are. Do I really want what I think? It's a waste to chase after something for so long, only to realize it wasn't the way you percieved for it to be. Perhaps, one of the main reasons I do this is simply to soothe my mind of not being able to attain it anytime soon. It seems the last couple of "long" years have simply been spent facing the feeling of failure.

In my mind, I want nothing to do with those who want nothing to do with me. Sadly, it seems like most the people who are suppose to be there for me don't wish to do so. And, what can I say? I know I haven't been horrible to them... far from it. If in their mind they can only understand from their egotistical perspective, then I guess, there is no room for me. I wish I can do everything on my own. You begin to gain the mental strength to, but not the factors to do so. As I said before, one important thing I must achieve is to feel a justified self of being. With that I mean, I have reasons and purpose for the things I do; I have invested thought in each of my actions. Sometimes I feel like the knot is tightening in my head. Its starting to show itself as a headache. Maybe it's simply not my time yet. I can't get up just yet...

All they see when they look at me are their assumptions, even when I have steered clear of it. Are they that ignorant that they cannot see beyond it?

Humans hold the tendency to assume as the mind always needs something to feed on. If you fail to give it concrete knowledge, it will feed on scraps to get by.

The other day I thought, I don't care anymore. I'm going to be happy. During this time that I'm fussing over every little thing that is wrong, I'm passing up on everything that is right. In these years of my life I should be enjoying it with utmost appreciation... I can never turn it back around. And if happier moments should come later on, let them come... But it shouldn't prevent any happy moments from existing now. It will only be better, and happier. I should turn those moments of hardship into character and moments of simplicity into happiness.

Then I realize, it isn't that I'm not particularly happy on the outside... It's the inside of me that can't hold happiness. I'm not going to elaborate anymore on that. But I notice that when I feel down without a reason, I feed it reasons. Everything becomes worse as I become irritable. But when I'm happy... it seems like all's well. Despite the same circumstances I face or not.

Nevertheless, I must not get confused with when I can't and when I don't feel to. Right now, I think I can keep going. I shall keep going as far as I can.

---

12:04am
I hate you philosophy course. :( There's two factors preventing me from absorbing this material. One, I feel as if my brain can't breath again. Two, I don't understand the reason as to why they are attempting to seek the truth to their topic. If I don't see meaningful purpose for something, I don't see motivation in trying to understand. Right now, I just see a couple people arguing over something as if it changes anything even if they were to agree. This is one of those, Is the glass empty or half full kinda shit. I say it is what it is, and your view point hardly changes what it truly is... Which is something you cannot seem to hold without pinning a biased perspective on. I am getting very irritated. I only had 17 questions to study, but I feel so aggravated I don't know how much more I can pretend to understand.

Does anybody get this:

"But perhaps it can be seen that the rejection of the idea that mind is simply a certain range of man's behavior in favor of the view that mind is rather the inner cause of that range of man's behavior is bound up with the rejection of the Rylean view of dispositions in favor of one that treats dispositions as states of objects and so as having actual casual power."

Wtf.



Searching for happiness when you're down is like trying to look for your glasses when you're already half-blind. The best you can seem to do is try to remember where you left it last.

I understand words of motivation and appreciation when all is well, but I don't seem to get it when I'm down. The same words I wrote, I can't grasp. I don't even know what brought about the change once again. I feel like I have so little control.

No where to go, but I've got to get out of here.


If I could have one wish and it would be flawless, then I would be your star.

"This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life." - unknown

"No matter how unhappy, unsuccessful, or unloved we are, that need not be the end of our story."