11:23am -
I always stare at the beauty of a blank page prior to writing... Afraid that the words I am about to impart will fail at keeping with its perfection. I sometimes find it difficult to attain a sense of wisdom that allows me to feel that it is better to know than to have never known. I shouldn't define it as wisdom; but knowledge since it has yet to reach any conclusion that can offer peace of mind... Setting on a journey for anything never guarantees success in reaching the desired destination... I suppose that's the whole meaning behind a journey.
I've fallen victim to the supposed rules and cycles of life. Simply knowing does not always mean being capable of avoiding. I often wonder how much change will power can impose. Has my mind subconsciously betrayed me... Creating what I identified as the inevitable?
I try my best to direct myself to be happy in waking hours... But as soon as exhaustion invites me to rest; I witness my fears, weaknesses and underlying sadness once again, undoing a day's work. How can I successfully help myself when I don't have all of myself to work with? Is it enough? I have thought myself through, changed myself on the inside as the outside remained still, and I have come to realize that a thousand thoughts are not equivalent to one motion of action.
Our minds are the testing grounds that respond to the world, in an attempt to understand. I need proof of the claims I have invested thought in.
I've fallen into a sadness so draining it seems to drug me, leaving me disconnected with the world. It eventually, time and time again, gets me wondering as to why we need sleep. If my nightmares should reflect everyday life, why must I close my eyes to witness it when I can see it in plain view? Why must I require rest if my soul has yet to live for the day? And then, perhaps subconsciously betrayed by myself again, it hits me... Insomnia. Now, I spend my nights in a sort of crazed sadness. To my mind, I am already asleep... I'm just wondering as to when I will awaken.
march21 - 10:58am
I hate when this happens... Aside from all those excuses that don't hold; I realize you just don't want to. When that happens, there's nothing more I can say or do than to consider it as part of your personality... Selfishness that is.
march24 -
When it's over and done with, you won't need to hear me announce it.
I feel like returning to my detached, cold, caring from afar self. I feel bitter and the more I think of how much I cared and was treated the opposite, the more angry I become. When I was 16, I said: "The most bitter people are often the ones who cared the most." I get angry from the lack of sense and justice. I can't grasp the logic behind it and it agonizes me. I need to accept that some people are just mentally retarded and lack the capability to think beyond themselves. I can't expect any better of them.
On the other hand, some people become bitter simply because of their spoiled attitude and high expectations, which are not fair on a deeper level, but far enough for them to see.
I'm tired of all this hidden planning from people; thinking, would she know? "This doesn't say enough, I can lie easily with this." I tend to read the thought behind the action and not just the action itself. Each time, it seems as if they only earn experience to try to outsmart me. The problem is, I don't care for mind games from people because I sense their motive. I began to see it without pride of right/wrong. I see the thought and it's all I wished to understand. A weakness in personality is one thing that can be understood, but failure to better yourself is another thing. When left with no answer, I can't help but feel a stone to my heart for every person who fails to take advantage of their mind to construct change within themselves. I've let bitterness take over and its weighing me down.
I had held on to friendships with a stretched arm. As Phil would tell you, I am capable of suddenly detaching for long periods of time. Sometimes, I see friendships to be similar like relationships. The thing it always comes down to that I need to see, is care. People make mistakes, but when the person seems to just lack care that's another thing. As I view it, why take time to deceive me when it defeats the purpose of what you're trying to build with me. If you must do so, the reason you wished for me to be there is already being disposed of.
9:47am -
Omg... make it go away. Make it go away... :'( It hit so bad today. Even music's hardly helping. My head is so tense. My left hand and arm keeps shaking - And I don't know why only that side. I totally exhausted my body lately. I went to bed yesterday trying to get more rest... Suddenly a flood of nightmares hit me. About so many awful things. Things I dread or fear to happen. Kept showing me I'm nothing in the future, I don't overcome anything. Because I was so tired, I wasn't sure when I was awake at times. I kept trying to make myself wake up... And when I did wake up for a second, I quickly fell back asleep or started hallucinating. I swear I woke up. And someone was blasting music at 12pm. Instead, I discovered I REALLY woke up at 9:30am... accompanied with the feelings of a huge anxiety attack and depression. It got so bad, my stomach started burning again. I usually try to listen to music to feel alive and strip the depressing, dead, gloomy feeling out of me... but it's not working. It's developing into a stomachache and my nausea is intensifying as I type. I just want to pretend I'm actually talking to someone right now as to not feel more dead and alone. I feel like I have no idea what to do and something horrible is happening that I have no control over. I feel like I have no control over my life. My body still needs rest though. I don't want to get worse yet I can't stand my mind falling victim to these attacks every time. 2 choices, both unwanted. And both will come in time regardless. Which do I prefer to feel first... =*(
10:09pm -
Plagued with uncertainties.
If I can find a source of stability and a happiness that thrives, then perhaps I can also find the desire to focus and take on the other persistent problems. Problems can't exist without the antidote right? Or else, it wouldn't be a problem; merely an occurance that is bound to happen. I'm showing that this is a problem, and it's not right. So there must be a way to diminish it.
I need my mind here. Not in my sleeping hours but in the waking, to help me grasp a solution.
11:13am -
Things are picking up speed, but only in my mind. It's pacing back and forth, looking for a change in it's outer environment. For each time it's let down, it only picks up more speed in it's process. It soon begins to feel like time is running out. Where I thought there was clarity, there is now complexity. What I thought I found understanding, I am now uncertain as to what I know. It's been so long that it seems like everything I've taken along the way is beginning to slip from me as I run desperately looking for my destination. Where can I set to begin to use what I've acquired? Are they nothing but added weight to my shoulders? Am I better without it? I've beginning to think I'm forgetting the purpose of each lesson. Perhaps, it's just fear of it becoming useless. Ugh, anxiety and fear is pacing alongside.
You can change a circle into a straight line in your mind, but it will only exist as as a straight line in your mind. It doesn't make it so in reality.
The more I take on when I'm confident, the more I have to fail from as I become incompetent. Can I trust the person who stands with strength and ability today, to be present the next? Why must the weak take on the punishment of what the strong bestowed upon it? Why don't I have enough sense to know.
In my weak self, I feel I've fallen further behind. I want to crawl under a shell and hide. I only feel safe when I think that only I can hear the actual echos of my own weakness.
The past always appears to be bright and happy, even when it has done its part in contributing to the misery you feel in the present.
I feel like shit.
I miss those days when I was blind to the hatred and attitude of other people. I was blind to anything that did not project logic. Of course this was not always the case, but a lot of times it was.
Let's take honger girl ms i try to act cute because my looks don't cut it. I had a locker beside her. One day she comes walking down to the hallway looking like a bitch. I looked at her, smiled, as I was also trying to open my locker. She continues starring at me, I can feel it from the corner of my eye. So I look at her, see that she really is still starring at me, so I smile again and said 'what?' with a little giggle. She then says in cantonese, "Why are you starring at me." Of course in cantonese it is much more harsh and rude. I reply happily, I'm not! You're looking at me! hahah. She then says: "That's what you think." Again, in cantonese, much ruder. I then go: "Well shit, if you weren't looking at me, how do you know I was looking at you?" I responded in cantonese of course which again, is a bit rude. But I thought we were just talking like uncivilized people ( some do talk like that ). She then slams her locker and calls me "cheun", or cocky and my other honger friend burst out laughing and said I got her back so bad and that she is such a bitch. This is when I realized: "WHAT? WE WERE ARGUING? SHE WAS BEING MEAN?" Hahaha I was just responding on the same "wavelength" as her!! I had no angry feelings. That feels nice. It's like bouncing off their attitude to themselves. hahaha
